“We can’t stop here. This is Tory country,” I chuckled while fiercely yanking the handbrake, as if Dr Gonzo was in the car. We can say that now, (wink!)
One can be infamous on Marlborough’s Facebook group by not applying sufficient handbrake on the High Street, as if K.I.T.T had a blonde moment. But I’m not here for that. I want to see their Pants….
Memories flood my neurons as I saunter to the Parade; shirking in Waitrose for a measly £2.20 per hour, hoping to get off with a goth girl outside the Dragon on New Years Eve, waiting for an older mate to return with a bottle, hiding down the alley where Victoria Wine once stood. The majority of shop facades have changed, the rest remains the same, even the most uninspiring nugget of hip hop graffiti the world over, on the wall of the alley. It’s offended the cliquey since the eighties, I checked…yep, fading but still there.
Same deal down the Parade, much the same, save The Crown is now “Dan’s,” and they’ve a posh looking cinema. Years I spent in Marlborough, no flicks, moved to Devizes where they had one, it shuts down and one opens in Marlborough. Maybe I jinxed it.
Many of those fond memories are located in the Lamb, once Vyv and Jackie’s flagship Waddies. One from the mid-nineties when we gathered to see “Moose’s new band,” which we had high hopes for, knowing the giant goth Moose Harris was in New Model Army and The Damned. Surprised but drunkenly amused upon them delivering a set of pop covers in a heavy metal fashion, whereby the theme to Bob the Builder was their showstopper!
Pants was supposed to be a one-off joke, a Marlborough Spinal Tap, but that knob jockey Jim Davidson is still touring, why not perpetually repeat their nonsensical gag? It never seems to wear thin, if it ever had any depth!
Undoubtedly the funniest interview we’ve done was with Pants, when they played the landlord’s retirement, but morso I ran it because I knew it’d be as funny as fuck, and it was..
Significant because Pants is a Lamb exclusive, a Marlborough thing. No one else would dare book them, and equally it’s likely they wouldn’t be arsed to play there! Would the new management be as inviting to this bizarre and self-deprecating ritual? Would they continue their legendary live music rep in Marlborough?
Glad to report they’ve improved on it. Less sporadic, live music is now weekly, the back of the yard has a summer ankle stage, and there’s a communal and hospitable atmosphere. Such is this community feel, the sound man for Pants, Lee Mathews has his own band supporting, The Vooz, and local legendary drummer Dan Tozer is drumming for both.
The Vooz kicks the proceedings into gear. It’s high-energy contemporary punker pop covers neatly delivered with enough gusto for four bands in one, and sprinkled with some originals, such as one about getting wasted outside Swindon’s Brunel Rooms, indicating there’s a historic penchant for the lively and swearing for swearing sake hairdressing frontman. Lee is a force of nature, providing only vocals he bounds around the stage, banters on a local level, posing for selfies with nipples on show, and generally raises a roof even if there isn’t one; a legend in his own shirt.
Yeah, archetypal are the singalong covers, Arctic Monkeys, Green Day, and a Lemonheads version of Mrs Robinson, but it’s entertainingly tongue-in-cheek and proficient; apt for what’s to come, especially the comical Kylie cover!
With anticipation brewing, Pants took their time to set up, reminding me somewhat of the Dolly Parton quote ‘it takes a lot of money to look this cheap,’ it takes Pants a lot of prep to sound this shit! I mean, they opened in the black warlock cloaks of a heavy gothic band, only to throw them off and cover Abba’s Mamma Mia with black wig, starry spandex bodysuit and black tape crosses over nipples. And I travelled…for this!
Yeah, I travelled because we share this desire for undervalued self-deprecating and ironically overstated disparagement and weirdly define it as humour. Pants are deliberately shit, that’s the joke, beneath it they’re proficient musicians but that’s the last thing they’ll confess to being. Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band did this, Spinal Tap, Barron Knights, but rarely do we see it today. Things are more lateral, pragmatic now, you’re either a great band, or a shit band pretending to be great, not the opposite.
As darkness fell over Marlborough, the town gathered to catch a glimpse of something as traditional as the Mop Fair. Pants covered every pop classic you wouldn’t want them too, Don’t You Want Me, Turning Japanese, and from Girls Aloud’s Love Machine to Sparks This Town Ain’t Big Enough of Both of Us. Tiger Feet at the finale I’ll give them, but they rolled out medleys of Kung Fu Fighting with You Sexy Thing, they used an out of time hooter for Tainted Love like it was a bloody seventies quiz show with Bob Monkhouse, they did Hey Mickey and the Theme from the Sweeny, for crying out loud, what is wrong with them?!
They tried so hard to make this gig as shit as they possibly could, but even failed to do that. The crowd lapped it up, it was highly entertaining, hilariously tongue-in-cheek, but like a kebab, you need a few pints inside you to fully appreciate the silliness of a Pants show, and being I was driving…Still, I managed more than my quota of laughs.
The Lamb rocks, the Vooz are fantastic and Pants are no Y-fronts, proper comfortable silk boxers. I’m glad I’ve seen them again after thirty plus years, and look forward to 2054 when they’ll hopefully progress from the seventies!
Meanwhile, next Saturday is another Famous Hangover Session at the pub, with a number of bands playing, worth the trip… or try a tea room with Danny K, whatever floats your boat!
devizine.com 