For a change his Sunday, I thought we’d talk ABOUT bollocks, as apposed to just talking bollocks. Or, more precisely, we’re talking about that walnut-sized gland just above them. Ode to your prostate, without which the acidity of a lady’s special passageway would neutralise all your little fishes and none of us would be here today, talking about it…..oh grow up, this is serious.
Sadly, cancer of this gland is nothing but serious, unless you like your doctor prodding his mid-digit where the sun doesn’t shine. While you can check yourself for testicular cancer, can even be a superb excuse if you’re caught by the missus bashing the bishop, you don’t know what’s-what in that prostate thingy-me-jig. And face it, we’re men for crying out loud, we stuffed a few burgers at last night’s barbeque, love our cheesy chips with pizza, aren’t too keen on eating greens, and consider there’s no need to bother a doctor unless we’ve physically dismembered all of our limbs.
It only takes a couple of seconds to check for testicular cancer, according to the limerick, only half the time if you’re Hitler. So, grasp each beauty in your nadsack separately, between your thumbs and fingers of both hands and roll that beastly meatball gently between your fingers. Find any hard lumps, or smooth rounded bumps, or any change in the size, shape, or consistency of the testicle, get over yourself and call the flipping quack for crying out loud.
So the simple bit done, but a check for prostate cancer is nothing more than a PSA blood test; no coughing with a cold spoon on your gollies, no probing your Bournville boulevard, nothing to be sacred of, for peace of mind. Now, I know, about 99% of cases of prostate cancer occur in males over the age of 50. But fifty creeps up on you like a cheetah on a promise, it’s advisable to get checked if you’re in your forties.
So, in conjunction with The Loganberry Trust and Wiltshire Freemasons, all men aged 40 or over are welcome to be tested, free, although a donation to the cost will be gratefully received. It’s on Saturday 29th September, from 10:30 AM – 1PM, at The Conservative Club, 30 Long Street, Devizes SN10 1NW. You don’t even need to book an appointment, just turn up guys, and help raise awareness of prostate health, even if show no symptoms; early prostate cancer shows no symptoms.
So, let’s get it out there now; if you find yourself getting up for a wee in the night more often than normal, and not just to check your Facebook, if you’ve trouble starting or maintaining a constant stream of piss, have any pain, or see blood in it, or in your gentleman’s relish, you really need to get a test done, and if you’re busy on 29th September and can’t make it, phone, for fucks sake don’t ignore it, it won’t go away like a bought of green apple splatters or a paper-cut on your thumb; call your doctor.
Being the Trust and Freemasons haven’t created a Facebook event of this, I have, so you can click you’re interested and it’ll remind you to come along, no excuses. I’d kind of imagined our first Devizine event would be a knockout musical extravaganza, but needs must. Check that out here.