…..and other niggly countywide troubles doner meat and chips from Chick-o-Land will stop me ranting about…..
Speculation arises if the entire additional £3.6m awarded to Wiltshire Council from the Department for Transport’s Pothole Fund, has been used to fix just the one pothole on Gains Lane, Devizes, opposite Sainsburys, because there’s bugger all sign of it being used elsewhere….
Miraculously, the single pothole amidst a multitude of other serious road defects in the county with the fifth worst local authority for fixing potholes, has been filled in… over abundantly, leading residents pondering if the county council are trying to attract tourism by replicating Cape Town’s most renowned landmark,Table Mountain.
Spot the difference!
The hilarious irony is, Wiltshire Council are doing the precise opposite when it comes to tourism, and are hellbent on wiping our county off the tourist track all together, inadvertently risking the future of all leisure facilities too.
But, oopsy daisy, you weren’t supposed to know about the grave concerns expressed to town and parish councils by the Chief Executive of Visit Wiltshire on the Government’s new national structure for tourism, which will see the introduction of countywide accredited Local Visitor Economy Partnerships, and as result, Wiltshire Council announcing they will be withdrawing their funding from Visit Wiltshire from April 2024, because withdrawing funding leaves Wiltshire no longer able to meet eligibility criteria to have an accredited LVEP, and it will be effectively ripped off the tourism map of England. Ha, that barrel of laughs is for another place, another time, and I apologise to Wiltshire Council for any accidental leakage until such a time you can illegally trash Stonehenge’s world heritage status by tunnelling a road underneath it, my tongue just runs off with itself sometimes.
Don’t be outraged, there’s time yet to devise a plan as cunning as Baldrick’s to act as a smokescreen and make you believe it’s all for “the greater good.” Cue a certain local Facebook tintop dictator, my very own ineffective fact checker with a penchant for anything corrupt provided it’s suggested by a straight chap with a blue rosette; please try to recognise satire when it stares you in the face.
Not that I’d advise taking business advice from me, but if you own a small business in Wiltshire which relies on tourism, I would only buy stock to last until April if I were you, and consider a crash course in supermarket shelf-filing. Baby-face Danny K, get us a railway station six miles out of town, let’s escape together, we can exchange homophobic gags on the way, step on it!
Anyway, I digress, I shouldn’t worry my silly little head about the vanity of this ease of backhanding futile construction permits once we’re free of tourism, we were rapping about the tarmac on the singular entity on Gains Lane, Devizes, which is so vastly overpacked its convex is an equal malformation to the concave of the original pothole, which, face it, like many locally had the potential of a black hole to suck light, electromagnetic waves and randomly selected solar systems into it. The effect, rather than your wheel dropping into it and smashing suspension, coils, anti-roll bars, et al (which is, even funnier, impossible to prove over the “wear and tear” loophole) is now like navigating a tepuis, or table top mountain in a shopping trolley; hit it and you’re likely to bust open the headliner and bonnet of your vehicle, with your head.
If it happened to you, you may feel a tad dizzy, and confused enough to vote for these councillors again come council elections, which could well be the reasoning behind it. Perhaps it could lead to further famous table mountains being replicated in our county’s potholes, like Mount Roraima, the most famous tepui in Venezuela, or the Canyonlands of Utah; now, wouldn’t that be nice?
Of course, this is purely satirical speculation for amusement purposes only, and it is more conceivable that the council worker simply couldn’t be arsed to flatten it out, let alone use the surplus tarmac to fill the upteen other potholes nearby it, for that would be far too proactive and because it’s highly likely they’ve forgotten what a pay rise is.
Fact is, as Cabinet Member for Transport Caroline Thomas has, in the drone of a weatherman on dope, blamed the annual 400% increase in potholes on “a combination of a long dry summer followed by periods of very wet and then freezing conditions,” we should take her word for it, as it’s not like we’ve experienced seasonal weather changes since, I dunno, eternity, is it? And we should stop bothering them as there are far more pressing issues, such as forgetting to take one’s expenses form when frequenting that trendy wine bar.
The Cape Town Tourism website says Table Top Mountain has attracted 24 million visitors since it opened in 1929. Not that I’m the kinda guy wondering how you open a mountain, let alone with the restricted technology back in 1929, but perhaps it’s something worth considering before all tourists are left wondering whatever happened to that place between Berkshire and Somerset, and they could all nip into Chick-o-Land and pick me up some doner meat and chips; might shut me up for a bit.
devizine.com 