Katie Hopkins to Reopen Devizes Cinema in May

Picturedrone, the new owners of the old Palace Cinema in Devizes announced today that the cinema will have a grand reopening as early as May, and media personality turned controversial comedian Katie Hopkins has accepted an invitation to cut the ribbon on the newly renovated establishment….

May is set to be an exciting time in Devizes, when the cinema will finally be reopened. We are told the work is near complete and the company plans to reopen in May, though an exact date remains unconfirmed. The town’s only cinema closed in July 2021, with broken promises to reopen under new management. But the new owners, Picturedrone Cinemas, met spiralling costs with the extensive refurbishment. The good news is, The Wiltshire Reform Party has stepped in to help fund the project.

Aiming for a traditional, multi-use, Roman Colosseum styled venue, the cinema will also house the Wiltshire Reform headquarters and provide them with a space to hold popular conferences and rallies. Flagpoles will align the Market Place outside, restoring pride in our country and providing dogs and drunks with somewhere to relieve themselves. They really have thought of everything, even the reintroduction of white dog shit.

Harmless and loved by all, Katie Hopkins is expected to deliver one of her hilarious hate speech comedy routines before she cuts the ribbon and Devizes cinema will be open once again, to patriots and Brexiteers only. Then there will be a screening of “Mein Kampf: The Movie,” an animated cartoon adaptation of Reform’s beloved bible, aimed at children.

“We’re eternally grateful to the Wiltshire Reform party for their donation,” a spokesperson for Picturedrone said, “I mean, who needs equality, basic morals, Trowbridge’s Oden, or a health service, when you can stuff hotdogs while watching ‘1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story’ on the big screen, in the comfort of your own town, yell abusive gibberish and puke Wetherspoons lager into your popcorn?”

A spokesperson for Wiltshire Reform said, “we’re making cinema great again. It will be like the good old days of British cinema, Zulu, Dad’s Army and The Black and White Minstrel Show. There will be snogging and fingering in the back row, and chewing gum will be squashed into every chair. Their springs will jut out of the material piercing every bottom; just as uncomfortable as our make-it-up-as-we-go manifesto. And of course, you will be allowed to smoke cigarettes inside, in fact, that’s compulsory.”

“If you visit the cinema in Devizes you can rest assured your family will not be exposed to dangerous leftie woke films. They will not be shown. No films of forced diversity, gendered power shifts, anything by Mark Ruffalo, or any containing boats, save perhaps ‘Titanic’; just films with good old traditional family values, like ‘Showgirls’ and ‘Lolita.”

The Ivana Trump biopic The Apprentice will be the first film screened at the reopened cinema, and is expected to attract huge interest.

A spokesperson for Devizes Town Council told Devizine they think this is, “a great initiative and an asset to our town.” They continued to express their delight and said, “I’m looking forward to the cinema reopening and inviting Danny Kruger back to Devizes so I can kiss the hem of his petticoat in the dark. We’re grateful for Reform’s contribution. I think all Devizes Town Councillors should show their gratitude by switching their chosen party affiliation to Reform, and if they don’t, I’ll ban them from my popular Facebook page, or call Donald to carpet bomb the town, thus liberating our people from the oppressive regime of The Devizes Gardens, or Guardians, or whatever stupid name they call themselves.”

Devizes wet wipe residents active on the Devizes Tissues (but bitter) Facebook group are said to have “shot their load” upon hearing the news about “sexy” Katie Hopkins’ appearance, as excitement builds for the town’s many gammon flagshaggers. Bert, a local fake profile, deliberately provoking poll maker and anchor with a capital W is said to be “besides himself,” likely because no one else would. 

Hopefully, by next April Fools Day a visit to the cinema in Devizes will be a usual occurrence, and we will all be marching there in Nigel Faragührer football kit uniform. Thank you, Reform, and the Russian oligarchs who are gaslighting your fascist propaganda. I’m so happy about the cinema and its “free fags” policy, and, being as thick as a Hungry Horse’s Big Plate Special slice of gammon with the political awareness of a small pickled egg, I’m voting for you now.

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