Another day at the office for Newsquest reporter Jamie Singleton. He reports on a new convenience store at the corner of St John’s Street in Devizes, shares it to Facebook and moves onto the next task….
“Delight as new shop opens in Wiltshire market town,” he headlined it as, encouraging clicking by curiosity; the way of social media. The secret town this time is Devizes, but the mystery surrounding it is the first line of attack for Facebook users; why can’t they name the town in the headline they wail, defeating Jamie’s objective. Yet, it’s far from the end as the anger bubbling, as it cascades into a biblical apocalypse akin to the Book of Revelation.
It often feels to me like Facebook’s comments sections have become the contemporary Armageddon, cycles of cataclysmic verbal plagues, a final gathering for a great cosmic battle, for and against forces of evil; perhaps this is proof. Seriously, this story distracted me from reading a post by a Welsh Restore councillor furious at a rainbow coloured table.
“Remarking on the business’ first week of trading,” the article continued, the owner Mr Raja said “we have had positive feedback from all of the customers. The customers have really liked it and always give nice feedback.”
This is great, and we wish the owners success with the venture, but shamefully, the customer’s feedback doesn’t match the comments section of the Facebook share of the article. Beginning lightly, some there question if we need another shop like this, causing me to wonder if they’re the same people moaning about the absence of shops in town?!
Then, they spiral out of control, with disgraceful and unfounded accusations of money laundering, selling vapes to children, and others barely legible. Here’s me assuming we still lived in a country where we’re innocent until proven guilty, but hey, not according to Facebook amateur magistrates.
Here’s a collection of some of the worst comments made on the story, in all their individual and unique variants of the English language. Warning; they may shock you, but I saved the worst till last:
Dodgy vapes fack navy.windscreen wash alcohol…sounds like another money laundering business to me 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
This first one defies all logic, and causes me to wonder if I should pop into the new shop, enquire if they really stock “fack” alcoholic navy-coloured screenwash flavoured vapes.
More fake booze, vapes and selling whip to kids
I may be ill-informed about this, but what is “whip,” in this context, and does it contain walnuts? Again though, this is a Police matter not for Facebook speculation. If there was any truth in it, which is doubtful, it is up to them to investigate. What if a child has a nut allergy?
Seems Devizes about to get overrun with ‘corner shops’ now. Does Devizes really need 2 in the same area?
I confess, it’s been a while since I checked the definition of “overrun,” but I believe it means going past a planned limit, filling a space with unwanted large numbers. Does two really qualify as a large number? I find myself wondering if this person likes bookshops. They should visit Hay-on-Wye, buy themselves a dictionary.
ran by dinky people
Is? What? Whoa! “Dinky?” Has the meaning of this word changed too since I last looked, or does this person feel small people cannot run a shop? I mean, if it’s a real issue they could lower the height of the counter, or invest in a footstool. Again, I’m encouraged to pop into the shop with a tape measure, all in the name of research.
Market TOWN – Devizes JESUS CHRIST must pray for a fire there and burn the lot it’s a dump and full of OAP”s
This one makes me feel ashamed to be a creature of the same species as this person, and not because of their grammatical error of using a speech mark rather than an apostrophe when neither were even necessary. Rather because, they felt the opening of a convenience store in town was their golden opportunity to summon Jesus and demand he prays for a fire to burn down the whole of Devizes; if indeed we are of the same species.
I’m not making this up, I’ve saved a screenshot because it’s so preposterously sinister even if poorly intended to be satire, I suspect you think I might have. I’m just trying to imagine the scenario: I brushed my teeth and got into my nightgown. I crouched by my bedside and held my hands together in prayer.
“Now I lay me down to sleep,” I chanted, “I pray the Lord…. will burn down the entire town of Devizes!!!”
Then, Jesus appeared before me and asked, “why do you ask me of such a thing?”
“Becasue it’s a dump, and full of pensioners!” I demanded.
“And how did you come to such a conclusion?” Jesus asked me.
“Becasue someone opened a shop!”
As if Jesus would agree. “Very well! Like Sodom and Gomorrah, for their sins of aging and opening convenience stores, I will call upon God to rain brimstone and fire down on Devizes, a river of lava from out of the sky, and destroy this market town, the entire plain, everyone who lived in there, and everything that grew from the ground!”
“Oh, could you wait a moment,” I asked, “I’ve run out of bread, and have to nip to the shops.”
These people walk among us, or at least appear before us on Facebook; cue a tear dropping down my cheek as I await what may come of the comment section for this article!
devizine.com 