Tag: dinosaur

Devizes Road Resurfacing Plan Abolished Due to Dinosaur Fossil in Pothole

Wiltshire Council’s ambitious plans to resurface all the roads in Devizes before the next ice age have been cancelled because rare dinosaur fossils have been found in the potholes on Estcourt Street, by the Morrisons roundabout….

Head of Wiltshire Council, Dick Cleaver, a keen fossil finder in his spare time, discovered the fossil of what is believed to be a baby Tyrannosaurus Rex when inspecting the potholes personally. “I’ve always had a keen eye for spotting fossils,” he explained, “there’s lots of them at County Hall.” 

“We’ve suspected Devizes had a prehistoric past, a breeding ground for dinosaurs like the T-Rex we’ve found,” Cllr Cleaver continued. “This is why we’ve deliberately not fixed a single pothole for the last decade or two, but we couldn’t announce the reasoning until we found some concrete evidence.”

Now they have, Wiltshire Council have had no choice but to suspend plans to fix the potholes. “They are of vital archaeological interest,” the councillor expressed, “a freestanding baby Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil perfectly intact like this is an extraordinarily rare find. Who knows what other feeble excuses, oh, sorry, I meant paleontological relics the potholes will unearth? Archaeology excavations are costly, thanks to the potholes we’ve saved crucial spending costs to the taxpayers.”

It is thought the dinosaur died from either Sarsan dropstones falling from the melting glacier on Roundway Hill, 65 million years ago to this very day, the 1st of April, or it was hit by a speeding Waltery Rosely butchers delivery driver. Councillor Yan Wallish said, “it is unfortunate that local archaeologist Professor Brian Schmuck, the independent verificator of the discovery sadly has gone mysteriously missing in his brand new Porsche just hours before releasing his report, and the document is password secured on his Speak & Spell.”

The contract for excavation of the site has been awarded to Strongishold Global Archaeological Research, a newly-formed subsidiary of John Turner’s company, partner of local MP Michelle Donenought. Ms Donenought was excited by the news, stating, “there’s been a decline in requirements for bogus PPE fleecing the NHS, since the end of the pandemic, and Johnny’s profits have felt the crunch; we thought we might have to sell the second yacht. By coincidence SGAR has just been set up for precisely this kind of exciting discovery, so we’re delighted; imagine trying to live with just the one yacht, like Chippenham chavs. Oh, by the way, I can say what I like about anyone now, and if they sue, you the taxpayers cough it up, how fantabulous is that?”

Amazingly fortunate, SGAR was registered as a company at London’s Company House, with its banking in the Cayman Islands, just five minutes before the discovery of the fossil. With the potholes already at considerable depth, little further work needs to be done over the next millennium and the company could employ as many as three experts in the field. “Expect an insignificant rise in your council tax to cover the cost,” Cllr Cleaver explained, “for as little as an extra £30 a week to the average household, Devizes could become the archeological site of interest for the entire county, especially as we’re wrecking Stonehenge this coming summer. I’m sure residents will be delighted with the news.”

Accusations made by Wiltshire’s gutter press, the Wiltshire Hive newsite were quickly dismissed by the council. Editor Kenny J Plebb, alleged the discovery was a hoax, and a feeble excuse for not fixing the potholes, as he spoke with Cllr Cleaver’s mum, who claimed some fossils had recently gone missing from her son’s private collection which he kept in a biscuit tin under his bed. Then she asked the Wiltshire Hive reporter for the fifty quid he offered her, but Kenny just ran away giggling, after showing her his Spiderman underpants.

Councillor Yan Wallish reminded residents that the roads are the property of Wiltshire Council, and anyone found interfering with any archaeological discoveries, by “driving past them with the expression of a woke loony lefty,” would result in the persons responsible being permanently banned from his Tory bias pornographic Facebook group, Devizes Tissues. “And no one wants that to happen,” he expressed, “if they want the free pix of Liz Truss in her undercrackers, that I recently acquired, and who wouldn’t? Corr, I’ve cracked a few out over that, I tell you.”

The baby Tyrannosaurus Rex townsfolk are calling “Barney,” was approached for an interview, but as of yet has refused to comment, which is a shame because he would likely make more sense than your average Tory councillor dinosaur. What is becoming clear through these findings is that Devizes was hugely populated with these beasts, but despite the T-Rex left masses of footprints measuring 1.55 feet in length, Devizes roads were significantly smoother during the Jurassic period than they are now. Mum may have gone to Iceland, but it seems T-Rex shopped at Morrisons. The dinosaurs were naïve to a bargain, and likely missed out on hotdog stuffed crust pizza and chicken tikka lasagne for a pound fifty each.

The only question remains if the dinosaurs of today’s Devizes are equally as naïve to believe any of this April Fools joke. I’d like to think it’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel to expect anyone to fall for this, but the clickbait keywords are all here for a healthy hitting article, like Devizes and pothole, hot topics right now for some unknown reason.

Trending…..

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