No Surprises Living in Devizes: Hopeless


There’s appears to be a tank, (sorry Simon and Alan, a Bulldog Armoured Personnel Carrier, without a 120mm calibre barrel and weighing significantly less than a tank,) by Shane’s castle. Has it really broken down, or has, as I suspect, martial law broken out across the vizes?


Wiltshire Reich, I mean Council, acknowledged we’ve had our fun, but now we pay the price.

Proficient and informative journalist, Joanne Moore reported artistic director of DOCA, Loz Samuels’ understandable fury at the grand price tag on our entertainment and the tenner parking duty proposal, which they just made up, on the non-fee parking day, to attempt dissolve the disgraceful ethos that some wish to provide entertainment for free, and jeopardise future events in our town. Thanks then, yeah, cheers.

There’s a new black rat infiltrating our celebrations, come back Wat Tyler, all is forgiven.
This must be the first, at least since the May Day Fair, a lengthy three months ago, effort to curb festivities in town. Let’s hope it’s the last or what will become of carnival? I ponder a twenty-five-quid ticket price, or two calves and your firstborn son for carnival 2018. Is there a vacancy going for a chippy to board up the windows of unpaid town residents who might cop unrestricted views? Bloody freeloaders.

So, I hope you made the most of the carnival this year, it certainly looked good from the freely distributed galleries of our talented photographers Ruth and Gail, who blatantly and thankfully aren’t Wiltshire Councillors, or we’d get a tagging tax.

Who me? Sorry, I missed it; spent my carnival staring at an obese couple orally absorbing Wotsits, an eternally wailing baby with hawkeyed mum, and signage which read, “waiting time: 3-4 hours,” at Swindon’s A&E due to a dog bite; must have read my article about keeping mutts on leads.

So, to all those who wedged themselves into the crowds only to criticise this year’s event; think yourself lucky.

You know if you don’t take your kids to the fair, you might have enough to cash to eat this week; scream if you wanna go faster, giv’ us another fiver if you want to be rotated 3-60 one more time. The closer to peak times the price rises and the fare too. You. Know. This. Why fool for it, or if you did, why moan about it on Facebook? Everyone’s out to get their share.

It’s okay thanks, no sympathy, I know you care. Right on the inner thigh it was, the dog bite I mean, close enough to my brain to have had a significant effect, and I got to thinking about our nothing-ever-happens-in-Devizes hashtag and how true this could be if Wilts Council get their way.

To see how much really does, or does not happen here, I committed to create Devizine, and in a few days, I’m glad to report, it’s a thing now (hate that saying, but “it’s a thing now,” is a thing now.) Treat Devizine as a what’s-on-guide, a “zine” inspired website offering local news and reviews, wrapped in a whole lot of fun. And no, Mr Teeder, while Tia sounds like a lovely lady, she’s not on the payroll here, yet.

I will force everyone to support Dezivine, with or against their will! Please, show it your love, check it out for regular updates, “like” and spread our social media posts, consider our dirt-cheap advertising; listings events are free, but to keep it chugging and improve we NEED advertisers.

I want Devizine to be dynamic and communal, unlike the Carer-Support-Wiltshire “what’s on guide,” which claimed a “parent carers drop in group was on,” but sent no support staff. The dazzling Devizes Issue divinity, Amanda Attwood announced, “After contacting Carer Support Wiltshire, I was informed they have cancelled the group, leaving carers high and dry. They say this is due to falling numbers, but it has been obvious to carers, this is due to lack of proper advertising and effort. This means Carer Support Wiltshire has withdrawn yet another much needed service from Devizes.”

What other changes threaten our humble town? Latest, we get a say in the future development plans for the Wharf, provided you’re jobless. Yep, Devizes social media elite went to town over this, as local rag announced the first meeting is, “Tuesday 12th from 9am to 4pm at the Wharf Theatre, followed by a second on Thursday from 9am to 3pm in the Market Place and one on September 18th from 5pm to 6.30pm before the Devizes Area Board at the library.”

Wiltshire Council again, they seem to have either overlooked the employed or organised this at their convenience, making me apprehensive, the only idea put forward will be an overpriced, private-pension-robbing, gigantic old people’s home, the like Devizes has never seen.

We dun’t warnt yer ganderflankin’ changes rand ere shagger; happy as we be, we is.

You can get gooey-eyed over Tesco but kiss the dilapidated Assize Courts and likelihood it could be an entertainment hub for the community goodbye. Welcoming visitors at the gateway to Devizes, the landmark eyesore day’s maybe numbered, the Dubai owner uncaring even about museum prospects, and the Council hot on its potential.

Get real; although they say, “we want people to drop into these sessions to find out what we’re considering, but to also let us know what they’d like to see happen,” it int gonna be rock n roll (or is it?)

Without a suitable meeting time, it’s doomed to failure. Wiltshire Council cabinet member for economic regeneration, Chuck Berry said, “C’est la vie, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell,” but continued later to explain, “I’m aware our temperature’s a’ risin’, and the jukebox appears to be blowin’ a fuse. But I can assure you my heart is beatin’ a rhythm, and my soul keeps singing the blues.”

“Roll over Beethoven,” announced the Wiltshire Council cabinet member for economic regeneration, “I have formally informed Tchaikovsky of the news.”





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