Devizine Awards 2018

Shamelessly stealing an idea from posh-rural-girls-with-nothing-better-to-spend-their-corporate-MD-husband’s-salary-on website, Shitty Stilettoes, or whatchamacallit, has to be the lowest of lows for Devizine.

No, put those pecans down, we’re not going into the overpriced cupcake business, but hey, they have awards, awards people, awards! What a fun idea it’d be to have awards too; of the understanding we have no shame at Devizine Towers and it’s something we pride ourselves on.

So, allow me to present the nominating period of the Devizine Awards 2018, whereby winners receive absolutely bugger all other than the fame, (soz, typo; I meant shame) prestige (soz again; pretzel) and perhaps a sheet of sneezed on toilet tissue, should I manage to muster some up; give me a minute…. Achooooo!

There you go. Now who wouldn’t want to win one of these splendid trophies which exists purely as an image online, in only 72 dpi?

Categories then, that’s what I need. How about best place to barf up kebab on a Friday night? Most idyllic location to jettison your unnecessary McDonald’s waste packaging from the window of your dropped down Fiat Punto? Admit it, you’ve got the t-shirt on this one.

Best place to lose your shit? Being a good lad, I don’t even know what losing one’s shit actually means, but lots of cool kids say it. Best place to get stuck in traffic so you’ve an excuse for being late for work? This one speaks for itself.

Oo, now, this’ll be fun; most annoying Wiltshire Councillor? I’m not talking about the councillor who simply has the most condescending laugh, or likes to use business jargon such as “moving forward then,” to mean “I know I’m guilty but I really think we should change the subject,” I mean the most stuck-up, obnoxious arsehole who couldn’t give a finger of fudge about the issues in debate, like closing education facilities, introducing extortionate parking charges or the general dilapidation of our roads.

Biggest waste of space in Wiltshire; open to interpretation this one, could be a heritage site, a recreational area, or perhaps your flatmate Kevin who still hasn’t picked up his plate off the carpet from last night and now it’s crawling with ants.

There’s so many we could do, the gym with the stinkiest trainers? Biggest parking Muppet; not looking for the occasional Gonzo parked on a bus lane to get chips, but the real Big Bird of parking Muppetery. We need photos people, photos I say. Worst local website for news and what’s on…. hold on, no scrub that one, in fact, yeah, bad idea all round really.

Tell you what, let’s do this thang, now I’m running low on gags, and do it properly, with some standardised categories but applied to the local scene. You should know our area by now, from Swindon, Marlborough to Bath, incorporating Chips and Ham, Trow-Vegas, the Sham, and naturally, Divided. l throw open the voting process, seriously, please cast ONE vote per category.

Please add your own answer, if they’re not here; it’s Sunday, my brain smells of wee, and I’ve doubtlessly missed loads. Oh and deadline is next Sunday 25th November, so get voting!

Okay, done deciding? Let’s round this up next Sunday, or whenever I get round to it! Talk to you then, when I’ll announce the winners and runners-up in an online black tie-dye ceremony! Hey, now that’s a good idea, a Facebook ceremony; what’d you think?


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