Say no to Maria Carey this Christmas; and other festive songs which need to be banned!


Now science has proved every man is a rapist, and that any man so much as accidentally sneezing on a woman constitutes sexual harassment, I’m glad to read delicate philanthropists have found time between solving all the disturbing issues in the world to call for a ban on the Christmas song “It’s Cold Outside.”


We’ve all known the concept of the song advocates rape for some time, as, if the female character really wanted to be in the man’s apartment and sex was consented, she’d be enraged and screaming, “get off of me, you crazy bastard,” or words to that effect. Being no such words of distress or fear are uttered by the female character in the song is neither here nor there; liberal extremists, who taint everyday liberal’s name, have seen this as thoughtcrime and a thoughtcrime it clearly is.

Jesus; “be more sensitive to the increasingly diverse population at schools.”

The assumption she is somewhat nervous, has slim doubts about her 1940’s reputation, (something lost in today’s world) and the man is attempting to comfort her with terribly unconvincing excuses is pathetic and far from intended humorous prose. The implication he has topped her drink with a tipple of extra whiskey, as in a rather outdated joke, is plainly false. He has, in fact, slipped some Rohypnol into her glass and is about to brutally assault her, once the drug kicks in; that much is obvious.



So, in the manner of this shocking enlightenment, I thought I’d dive deeper into some other classic Christmas songs to see if there’s anything swaying far from political correctness in those too, and I think you’ll be surprised by the result. There is a world of filth, crime and insurgency projected in these songs and I, for one, will not stand idly by waiting for something appalling to occur as a result.

Not as pure as the driven snow; this snowman received 12 hail Marys for confessing to the filth in his mind after meeting the Cheeky Girls

While some damaging associations are obvious; the Pouges and Kirsty McCoy’s Fairy-tale of New York referencing anal sex taken as red, (“Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it’s our last,”) some are harder to spot but read between the lines and you will be shocked by the real meanings lurking behind a charade of Christmas cheer, perpetrated by disgusting, heathen musicians.

“Christmas time, Mistletoe and wine, Children singing Christian rhyme.” What does this suggest, for example? Mistletoe traditionally used for obtaining a kiss, a kiss being a precursor to sex, and Cliff starts bashing on about children. This has obvious connotations of child sexual abuse and needs to be banned straight away.

Take Mariah Carey singing “all I want for Christmas is you.” No matter how often she pesters me, I’m not going to cave into her demands and I don’t think you should either. People are not possessions, you can ask Santa for a Scalextric, a new bike, or even a Tamagotchi, but you shouldn’t ask for a person. What kind of message does this teach our children? It’s simple, Mariah is condoning human trafficking and therefore this song should also be banned.

In a world where children are inspired by all of the reindeers in Father Christmas’s fleet, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is not projecting a constructive sentiment, in fact it’s pure prejudice. Laughing and name-calling at others misfortunes is not how we’d favour to raise our children, so why accept this song?

Santa Claus is Coming to Town, deliberately labels children and sections them off unfairly. Not forgoing rural kids who don’t live in towns being exempt from Santa’s visit, it proceeds to suggest Santa has a list of who has been “naughty or nice.” How anyone could presume the role of judge and jury, without taking on board the child’s social and economic background, the influence of their peers and issues arising from the autistic spectrum is quite honestly beyond me. This song is simply derogatory and borderline fatal to a child’s welfare.

Dreams are based on events in real life, a confused amalgamation of thoughts and happenings throughout your day. Being there’s no one alive who recalls it ever snowing on Christmas day, Bing Crosby must’ve been referencing some other meaning of a White Christmas and it’s highly likely, given the notorious celebrity misuse of drugs that ol’ Bing was advocating the use of cocaine in his timeless Christmas classic.

Seems innocent Aled Jones isn’t so innocent either. Who has ever heard anyone else claim they’re “walking in the air,” who blatantly hasn’t been sniffing some illegal substance? Seems Aled’s been at Bing’s nosebag.

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Make the Yuletide gay…..” you see, here is everything wrong about Christmas songs, and quite often it’s these peculiar, liberal sexual practises which offends my delicate right-wing agenda. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire is a well-known ethanium for a sadomasochist fetishism, obviously. The Ronnette’s Sleigh Ride is blatantly a lesbian sexual position, and Noddy Holder thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to yell “it’s Christmas,” when antisocial behaviour such as shouting is unquestionably negative.


So come all ye faithful, placing a ban on these songs is overdue and needs to be addressed by our government straight away, in my opinion. Many other Christmas hits should’ve been analysed closer at the time, as nearly all have these derogatory or damaging connotations and require immediate sanctioning, except Shakin’ Stevens’ “Merry Christmas Everyone,” of which in its content I can find nothing of an offensive nature, yet still feel it should be banned anyway, because it’s shite.

Christmas stocking of shite; shake off elsewhere, bloody weirdo 

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