Claire Perry’s “weekly-round-up” email; with translations (in brackets)

Local MP Claire Perry’s weekly newsletter appeared in my inbox today, I thought I’d decode the complicated jargon of it by inserting basic translations in brackets, so there is no need to worry, our government, apparently, is in full control of the situation.

Welcome! (Tory supporters. Others, just signed up for my newsletter for satirical purposes can kiss my rosy red….)

It was a busy start to the New Year, (although we had a fortnight break, while you all slaved through the festive season, filling shop shelves and delivering goods in your pathetic, minimum waged jobs; insert Nelson Muntz style “ha-ha” here) with Brexit continuing to dominate Parliament and the news (other critical national issues rightfully on hold). (Help! We haven’t got a clue what we’re doing, and Nigel Farage put a slug in my knickers.)

I was of course disappointed by the result on Tuesday evening (someone told me the majority of the population have been disappointed since the day this government got into power, which I find very hard to believe.) Whilst I recognise the concerns of my colleagues (did I say colleagues? I meant backstabbing backbenchers and filthy snowflaking Leftie extremists I’d like to brutally murder) around the complex issue of the backstop in Northern Ireland (whatever that is, I live in Wiltshire don’t you know?) I still believe that leaving with a deal provides the best way (despite originally campaigning to remain) forward to fulfil our duty to deliver the Referendum result whilst also protecting jobs and the economy, (believe it, or I’ll diss you on Twitter) and I will continue supporting the Prime Minister in securing a deal that we can all coalesce around (because through my rose-tinted specs, it’s united the country.)

(You may be surprised to hear that) I voted with the Prime Minister this week, (for the sole reason to protect my job) and will continue to back the Government, because I believe that this is the best way forward to ensure we leave in an orderly way (an orderly way and Brexit goes hand-in-hand doesn’t it?) with a good deal, (despite half the population wanting to crash out and the other not wanting to leave at all) and ensure that the UK has the decent, moderate government it needs to build a country that works for everyone (and I’ve not suffered brown tongue symptoms for no reason.)

We now have a responsibility to work together (to divide and rule) to identify (see if we can’t come up with another desperate Baldrick-style cunning plan) a way forward that can secure the backing of MPs across the House of Commons (so we can have another holiday, I fancy the Seychelles this year, how about you, Butlins again? You’ll be lucky.) In the coming days, there will be meetings taking place between senior representatives (do I have to go?) including the Prime Minister, (she’s so sexy she can turn a girl’s head, and I’m not that way inclined, in fact as a Tory I hate homosexuality, one rule for you, one for me) and groups of MPs who represent the widest possible range of views (honestly, they do) from across Parliament, to reach a consensus and get on with delivering a Brexit that works for everyone (for our personal outside business dealings; bollocks to the rest of you.)

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