Devizes Town Council proudly announced today that a fourteen-foot partially bronze statue of local member of parliament, Claire Perry, will be erected in her honour as a centrepiece for the development of the Market Place in Devizes.
The town council has listened to the people of Devizes, who opted to erect the statue as part of a steering group, suggesting ideas for what to put in the Market Place after the take-over of assets and services from Wiltshire Council, today.
There are ambitious plans to make Devizes Market Place a focal point for visitors, and a community area for endless events and celebrations. “Watch out Boomtown Festival, Devizes is coming!” said town clerk Simon Fisher. “It’ll be like one massive party, 24-7, provided you pay to park, if you can find a spot, which you will, honest. And who better to look down us all than our heroine, Claire Perry MP? Who is more worthy for a statue than the saviour of our Food Bank? We think it’s a great choice; it may mean a slight raise in council tax to cover the cost, but I’m certain, as we are in touch with the people of the town, they’ll welcome the idea.”
The statue will cost slightly over £22,000 and will be sculpted by French artist Pierre Dubois. Dubois has sculpted statues for many prestigious clients, including Chinese President Xi Jinping, Charlene, Princess of Monaco, and television presenter Dale Winton.
“Ms Perry represents the demographic of Devizes,” a spokesperson for the market place steering group explained, “she’s worked tirelessly to make this constituency a great place to live, striving to keep Wiltshire fracking-free, disposing the task successfully onto the northern working-class scum of Lancashire. After all, they’re far hardier than us; they can take an earthquake, or twenty.”
“It’s a top choice,” said a member of the Devizes Conservatives, “a true honour to our long-standing member of parliament who has done a sterling job of keeping riff-raff in line. Look how she voted for reducing housing benefit for scroungers in the bedroom tax debate. I was only saying to the wife the other day in the conservatory of our second holiday home in the Algarve, what do those peasants need with an extra bedroom, just an excuse to pop out another bambino for me to pay for? Nothing but filth those lot, Claire was right to vote against handouts for those so-called too ill or disabled to work, to halt rewarding young dole-cheat’s with jobs, and well, when she voted to stop all those stupid student grants; get out there and sweep my chimney, boy, and I’ll give you a farthing for an honest day’s work. She’s a lovely lady, lovely, nice legs too.”
Claire Perry was unavailable for comment, but her office claimed she is over the moon with the news, fully intends to visit the statue, and encourages local primary schools to organise children to circle the moment, chanting her name.
Allister Whitewash of the Wiltshire Council welcomed the idea too, “we may have to close off all road routes through Devizes for a few weeks, to get the bronze delivered and statue erected,” he informed, “but it will cause minimum congestion in the town, now my traffic lights on London Road are in action, reducing traffic jams by a statistic so staggering I’ve clean forgotten what it was.”
“I am so glad The Devizes Town Council are making full usage of the space,” he continued, “as long as we get our money from parking fees, put a statue of Jimmy Saville up for all I care.”
Devizes Town Council take over control of agreed assets from Wiltshire Council today, April Fools Day; coincidence? I think not. If you would like to air your views on the idea, do email the Devizes Town Council, they will listen.
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