No More Claire Perry; a Romance Story

“No more Claire Perry,” was all I posted on Devizine’s Facebook status when I awoke to the news. 710 people reached, 9 likes/loves to date, and a handful of comments, speculating I have some abhorrence for our MP. Whoa there Nellie, I made no such political statement, whatever gave you this irrational impression?!


While local rags and news websites report Claire Perry tweeted, she would not run for the next election, you can trust I’ll carve something alternative to their platitude bulletins. Why? Don’t ask me. Seems I get accused these days of unwelcomed political opinion here, when actually only guilty of sharing the efforts of a local group campaigning against Brexit as it constitutes a happening, and happenings is what we report. Plus, it was only a Facebook share. Thank heavens for Facebook groups and grammatically unbecoming, blatantly lying memes, else it’d be war on our streets.


But I like to think Devizine is more than reporting events, remember it started with my rant causerie? Times like these I contemplate the return of No Surprises Living in Devizes; certainly, ammo is plentiful.


Yeah, I know, right, satirically it laid into Claire. Yet, those who remarked I’d be gutted, in ironic jest, you’re closer to the truth then you may think. Our April fools about Devizes Town Council erecting a statue of Claire Perry in the Market Place was our most popular article of the year, I owe her for that, at least!


In all actual fact, better the devil you know. This news is not something I’ll be doing a song and dance about. This is still Tory town, we’ll only get another, most likely worse. But as I plan this piece, which I do, sometimes, roughly, a letter lands on my doormat. It’s like they know, infiltrated my cookies, the biscuit-pinching Conservative disciplinarians; the envelope says its from the House of Commons.

Last time I got one of these, it was the answers to my interview questions, which professionally avoided actually answering any of them, and to my shock, others had similarly worded letters. Yet I contrived a column from it, which I thought was firm and fair, while a few uncompromising Tory disciples felt the need to cry about it. Funny thing is, they cried more than Claire Perry did.


So, I salute her for being an inadvertent sport, and on the whole, there were times through her decade regime I thought we saw a kinder side to Ms Perry, just poking through, on a local level. My issue is when she boarded the train to Whitehall. To disregard her local promises, to turn Sith in Parliament and the telebox, for her atrocious decisions in her ministerial roles, her offensive tweets, and her abomination of a voting record, leaves me with the sad conclusion she neglected her own ethos, if it were ever true, in pursuit of a career, no matter what the cost to others and the environment. Typical crooked politician really.


Even if the letter was an application form though, it’s not a job I’d want! I ponder how much their hands are driven, and they’re scapegoat from a higher persuasion, usually billionaire businessman backhanding their campaign fund. Signing off fracking for example, was an abysmal and unforgettable move I simply cannot abide by. But greater than this, her flamboyant charade of parading, pitifully endeavouring to convince us her influence over environmental issues had been positive was nothing short of criminal, and makes me ponder if alone on dark nights she shed a tear for the lies she knows she asserted.

If she does, she doesn’t show it, the hypothetical remainer writing, “I remain in full support of our PM and his brave Brexit strategy, as I can see no alternative if we want to honour the Referendum result.” Obviously bagged enough savings for an offshore account.


Maybe the pressure of arse-licking whoever’s at number ten was too much, and for that I cannot blame her; dropping like flies, aren’t they? The Gazette, who, surprisingly, recently grew critical of some of Ms Perry’s decisions, reported she’s snared a suiter, yeah, lucky university professor, and is off to Cambridge to shack up with the dude; ah, our loss is his…. or maybe, the other way around!

In this thought though, I celebrate, this is a “love conquers hate,” story, like the Return of Jedi’s closing scene, whip off that imperialistic helmet, there was some good in her, and through it all, I wish her all the best, honestly, I do; we had some laughs, well, I did. I do think it’s time to drop the politics all together though Ms Perry, maybe try being a dinner lady.


And the letter, well, it was congratulating us for the money we raised for Carmela, which was nice of her secretary to write (!) Seriously though, thank you for your support Claire, and for retweeting our campaign. Yet, the Gazette does go on to say she will be keeping her Wiltshire home. It would be terribly common not to have a secondary country retreat wouldn’t it? Ak, I fear her reappearing, like Nick Cotton to Dot when the cash runs low, giving it; “’ello, ma….ma constituency!”


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