No Surprises Locked Down in Devizes: Part 1

All hail the one-off, two-part return of No Surprises Living in Devizes, my excuse to rant freely. It’s been a while, I guess you could say I’ve a fair bit of ammo. Do not read if you’re easily offended, do not message me if you are offended after I warned you, twat…..

It may surprise many to note, this is the first time, I believe, I’ve typed the word “comrade,” and I’ve only done it to mock myself before you do; that’s me though, proactive. That’s them though, the baby boomer who call me, and anyone with a differing opinion, “comrade;” referencing a forty-year-old situation comedy; traditionalist to the end, even Dave doesn’t rerun Citizen Smith, leading me to ponder if their sense of humour hasn’t changed since 1980, neither has their ideology.

I’m indifferent, might even pop an aging comedy reference your way, though mine will be apt. My theory; laughter is the best medicine, and I’ll try find the humorous side to everything, even the handling of a global pandemic. Which is, if you don’t cry, laughable. Pity me though, subject matter such as this, an era like this, being funny is implausible with sanity, so if I do, consider I’m senseless, but if you laugh, so are you.

Twenty years ago, a bad year for British comedy, we lost both Frankie Howerd and Benny Hill. Yet in this patriotic flag-waving era, does anyone else feel we’ve not lost Benny’s spirit; Ernie’s ghostly gold-tops? That we are, in many ways, perpetually living an episode of his show? We have a rotund, bumbling idiot, aching to speed up the finale of lockdown, for economic sake alone. The only thing missing is the yakety sax, otherwise it’s plausible to imagine Boris in a mac, waddling around an English suburban park, chased by a raging mob of socially distancing scantily-clad women; best guess, ex-Spectator journalists. You can slap the head of that disobedient bald man as many times as you like, but you know he’ll be back next week for more frolicking fun.

For many, the Cummings scandal is the tipping point; a blatant show of negligence exposing the charade to all. It is fact, he did break his own rules and potentially endanger others with the spread of the virus. To defend him is to defend the indefensible, still they try; not buying it Danny. Our MP said without Cummings they wouldn’t have won the election; I wager it was big fat fibs which won you the election, buddy.

Aside the uncanny resemblance to blind cartoon character, Mr Magoo, it’s not Cumming’s eyes which need testing, it’s his obligation and sense of superiority. If you disagree, say, “like any father, he did what he did for little Timmy,” consider an administration which makes allowances for refugee families and children ripped apart by famine or conflict in a manner we couldn’t contemplate on our plush green lawns, then look at our government’s zealous drive to close our borders and divert immigration.

Daggers momentarily fly at the PM’s chief advisor, shadowing a former week where Home Secretary Priti Patel had the guns aimed at her; all she did was motion migrant frontline NHS workers should pay extra for their own treatment, and when they do snuff it of Covid19, it’s time for their families to be deported. Kind of like additional charges when Sajid Javid uses paperclips in his office, then extraditing him if he takes a smoke break. Another sick career-bitch so blind not to look beyond towing the line and into a mirror; she wouldn’t be here by her own unstable immigration values. If there’s logic there tell me, I’m not Mr Spock.

But news flies so fast we’re onto another separate incident in a blink. We don’t get time to rewind and calculate these outrages, for U-turns doesn’t make it alright when malevolent concepts remain in a seat of power. For the sum of them all equals an underlying conclusion something is very wrong in our government.

Disagree? That is your right, stupid, in my opinion, but that’s my right. Consider, we have the highest death rate in Europe. Forage me a substitute reason, worthy plaintiff scavenger; bound to have been something a political party who never came to power did, eh? Or bias media reporting their findings? Or the fact some teenagers were playing on the Green last weekend? Dog them in Facebook police, but leave Cummings be? Riddle me that.

To argue another party would do things no different is hearsay, we will never be fully sure. Lockdown was too late; simples as a meerkat on watch. The Liverpool-Atletico match, the Cheltenham Racing Festival, why? Why were people coming and going from the UK freely? They knew the virus was hanging out, loitering at our gates chewing gum and high-fiving everyone; the science ignored, crucial meetings unattended. Big Ben bonging for Brexit was the bulletin, bullshit.

If you, sir, have the preconception the self-proclaimed leftie snowflake is akin to Channel 4’s wonky depiction of Corbyn as a Russian socialist, or Wolfie, you’ve officially been brainwashed. Nought defecting about them, if they aren’t dedicated to what’s best for Britain, they wouldn’t be moaning. They are not traitors; they are very British. Hey you, funny cos, like, I thought we were supposed to be uniting for the common good, clapping together, why won’t you then allow them independent thought? Why will you continually witch-hunt anyone who dare criticise, when undoubtedly there’s something amiss?

Want unification? Compromise. United in one thing, at least, their dedication to the country, the reason they’re upset. Clap the NHS, but as staff tell you, it’s not putting food on their tables. You’re not a hypocrite for clapping and voting right-wing with a decade of negligence towards NHS funding, that’s reformist misinformation gone too far; you’re just thoroughly misguided. No one will hold you accountable, it is okay to admit you made a mistake. The average leftie doesn’t want Britain to be an episode of Citizen Smith, but you seem to crave Love Thy Neighbour, or The Benny Hill Show. You see, Benny had a bad side, behind the scenes of the titillating comedy there was an underlying perversity, skeletons locked in cupboards. My metaphor takes shape now.

If there’s a reason Boris Johnson defends Cummings and allows his popularity to faulter, it is not because of some intricate totalitarianism agenda, but because of the foolhardiness of saucy playground behaviour inherent of prep-school pomposity. The only good to come of this lockdown is the sense of celebrity reality; look at our luminaries on a live Facebook stream, desperate for attention but attired in sweatshirt and joggers. They leave themselves exposed, they’re just like us. Now you see contemporary politics crystal, it’s a teenage school disco rather than a fascist regime. The very idea Boris compares to Hitler is laughable, I’m not Winston Smith, I agree with you, when a leftie compares our era with that of the war, they lose the argument. In return then, neither should you assume Boris is Churchill, here to save the day.

Hold me up as a leftie if you like, but I’m not. I’m my own person, scrabbling in the dark like you, trying to make sense of it, but if we differ it’s not my political standpoint at fault, it’s your barriers; “Labour MPs broke lockdown rules too,” oh yeah, I agree, stab them with the same sword. Something about politics makes the most motivated corrupt, but I’m not one to be satisfied conforming to the status-quo, if there’s an alternative I’m considering it, if there’s a lesser of two evils, I believe that’s the path to take. I’m so sorry to quiver at your support of a government denying all, failing to produce PPE and testing for frontline workers, the buck stops with them, blood pours from their hands and onto the useless phone app they spent the funds on.

I know you’ll chastise me for it anyway. Shut it and pick fruit, dissident. Complain Devizine is supposed to be about local issues and not cast national opinion. Shush rebel, Devizine is about whatever the hell I want to be about! Did you complain when The Gazette run an article speculating the name of Boris and Carrie’s baby? Hardly local affair, after all. Take my unending waffling as reason for this piece to be so negligent of that factor, for it is only part one in a two-part series, the local issue precedes, after the break.

You see, it’s an advantage living where we do, an affluent Tory freehold, a heaven for traditionalists and conservative ethos. I believe there’s nothing wrong in holding these values dear, but cannot help feeling that political current trends break the code, the Cummings scandal black and white. By comparison folk here have been outstanding, not perfect, but brilliant nonetheless, and we should all be proud of that. Part two then, I will explain why I think this. Meanwhile chew on this; Benny Hill really was a milkman. That’s more honesty than you’ll get from Boris.

Read part TWO here!