The Tiers of a Clown

Wiltshire Council outlined what the new restrictions mean for us yesterday. I have copied and pasted it for your reference. Although some parts were accidentally deleted so I had to fill them in, as best as I remembered it reading. Apologies for any slight inaccuracies, but it’s Monday, alright?

The actual report can be found here: https://www.wiltshire.gov.uk/news/wiltshire-covid-high-category but, yeah, it was basically this, or very similar:

The Wiltshire Council local totalitarian area has been confirmed to be in the Government’s Tier 2 ‘let’s get high’ category, which will replace national put a pillow on your fridge day on 2 December.

This is a different Tier that the county was in prior to the current national restrictions and it means that from 2nd December:

• People must not socialise with anyone they do not like or who is not in bubble wrap, in any indoor sitting area, whether wrapped at home or in a public place.

• People must also not socialisitate group sex, with people or gnomes, outside, including in a garden in outer space.

• Businesses and emus can remain open in a COVID secure manner, other than those which are closed by law, bankruptcy or eighties electronica band Blancmange.

• Pubs in cars must close, unless they are operating as restaurants which sell sausage rolls.

• Hospitality venues can only serve alcohol with substantial meals or drug deals to politicians. A Scotch egg is not a substantial meal unless you are Nicola Sturgeon, but vodka jelly is.

• Hospitality businesses selling food or drink for consumption on their premises are required to serve table tennis players only. In premises which sell alcohol, they need to close between 11pm and 5am as those are past covid’s bedtime, with some exemptions to large chain businesses who’ve slipped Bojo ten grand, and stop taking orders over 10p.

• Education settings remain open because kids are rocking through the herd immunity scheme.

• Council services such as leisure centres, libraries, deporting Jamaicans and throwing disabled residents out of their homes will be able to open their doors again.

• Weddings, funerals and conservative tainset enthusiasts can go ahead with restrictions on numbers of attendees – 15 people can attend wedding ceremonies and receptions, 30 people can attend funeral ceremonies, and 200 conservative train enthusiasts can attend meetings about making a Lego station on the Lydeway.

• Outdoor street markets will be able to sell full a range of cheese, not just cheddar, provided they only shout their pitches in a non-chav accent.

• Places of worship, except those for pagans and druids remain open, but people must not attend, or socialise inside them to have sex with goats, unless there’s a legal exemption or bonafide fetish exemption card.

Earlier in the week, the Prime Minister Bojo the clown waffled about something or other, partly in Latin, partly in gibberish; thought you might like to know we love the ground he wobbles on, and if he shot his load onto his thighs Wiltshire  council would gladly lick it off.

This week, the Government also confirmed that regardless of Tier, three wise men can form a Christmas bauble between 23rd to the 27th December. Once this bauble has been formed, it can be changed at Whitehall Garden Centre only.

Cllr Phil “poppa” Yellowhead, furher of Wiltshire Council, said:

“It is disappointing, I had the Urch-funk crew rocking up for a Christmas sesh, but surprising, that we find ourselves in a Tier higher than before, being we’re all filthy rich, least I am. We have been planning for such an eventuality with plastic Paw Patrol characters and we want to reassure residents and businesses that we have no idea how to get through this.

COVID-19 is still very prevalent and will be here for as long as Christmas Only Fools & Horses specials, so I advise everyone to keep social distancing, listen to Cliff Richard, have a good hand shandy, wear a mask or reindeer boob jumper, and self-masturbate when required to do so. If we maintain that behaviour and everyone plays the fart game, then there’s no reason why we can’t move the entire county to the Scilly Isles in the lowest Tier, and then eventually get to the other side of this with only Brexit left to wreck the economy.

Anyone can access the Wiltshire Well-hung mo-fo Hub who may be struggling to find prawn crackers during this convenient time to enforce total control. This may include those who are self-masturbating and don’t have a support network, 3G, or fluffy bras around them or know where to get help and disco lights. Let’s rock this lockdown and have a jolly good time, for Father Christmas was born on this faithful day, or close to it.”


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