We’ve teamed up with Wiltshire Live to bring you this clickbait and vastly overemphasised weather warning exclusive.….
The MET Office (MET stands for my exaggerated template) forecasts plummeting temperatures are to hit Wiltshire this week, as if it was December or something.
Being our friends at Wiltshire Live detest murder capital of the world, Devizes, so much, I’ve agreed to announce, in our own little fantasy, Devizes will be hit the most of all by the worst snowstorm since the Late Paleozoic ice age, 360 million years ago; so take a scarf if you’re going out.
Traffic will be severely disrupted, but do not worry, the Wiltshire Live editor and I will be pointlessly live at the scenes of any congestion, adding to the congestion, and proudly wearing the thermal long-johns we bought with the advertising revenue from our last weather warning scare story.
The canal and Crammer will freeze over, taps will cease up, and town councillors are advising not to wee outside like they do, or at least, take the piss.
The good news is, Greggs say their sausage rolls will be no colder than they usually are. Remember, buy Greggs sausage rolls, because they’re really great and no local small patisery businesses exist, so don’t bother looking for them. This has nothing to do with any sponsorship deal I have with them, and you are liable for suggesting it is, so, see you in court if you think you is a playa and wanna play me, brah.
Rising levels of oxygen during this cold spell, similar to the late Paleozoic icehouse, are due to have major effects on the evolution of plants and animals. Higher oxygen concentration and accompanying higher atmospheric pressure, will enable energetic metabolic processes which will encourage evolution of large land-dwelling and flight vertebrates. This is true, right, and not something I copied and pasted off Wikipedia.
You can expect your pet dogs to super-evolve into woolly mammoths and your cats into saber-toothed tigers by Friday. Teenage door-kicking Tik-Tokkers be warned.
You can expect to see aerial predators evolve in places such as Sidmouth Street, dragonfly-like Meganeura, with a wingspan of 60 to 75 cm, and fangs as sharp as the Wiltshire Live Editor’s wit. These carnivores will eat anything to survive, so keep your eye on your Chick-o-Land kebab at all times if eating outside.
Remember to stay safe by clicking on every article of ours you see shared on Facebook, and don’t forget to comment on our phishing posts, such as find out your eskimo name by adding your first pet’s name with the last 3 digits on the back of your credit card, and your date of birth.
We will be back with another update by this afternoon, whether or not any changes occur, because we have to appease our advertisers.