Gazette & Herald to Buy Out Devizine

In a deal I’ve been trying to clench for a year now, Newsquest, owners of Wiltshire based newspapers, including the Gazette & Herald have taken the decision today to buy out Devizine and merge it with the Gazette…….

It is fantastic news for us, as Devizine readers will no longer have to put up with second-rate content, unprofessionally written by a kinky milkman, steering on honesty and commitment. Instead, our readers can expect slapdash clickbait articles with little or no reference to local matters, shameless advertorials, towing the Conservative line to the letter and endorsing illegal fox hunting activities.

In turn the Gazette will have a glossy pull-out section, a funky, freewheeling socialist magazine- fashioned spotlight on local arts and entertainment, highlighting the blossoming cascade of talent we are blessed with here; something they’ve not bothered to do since 1864.

It will rally the concepts of social and political change, be a crucial and pivotal hub for campaigning, fundraising, and highlighting charitable needs, offering free advertising for schools and charities, provided they cross our palms with silver, or at the very least buy us a nice Marks & Sparks Battenburg cake.

We can expect to see a regular environmental news column by Devizes & District MP Danny K Booger, who voted for dumping more raw sewage into our rivers, a sports section by Wiltshire PCC Phillip Willykissingson (blood sports that is,) a fun, games, and undernourishment section for kids by Chippenham MP Michelle Donenought, who voted against free school meals during lockdown, spot the pothole competitions from Wiltshire Council Cabinet Member for Transport, Dr Mark McBellend, and regular updates by Devizes Town Councillor Liam Wallyish (or whatever his name is) on all the crap we can’t read on local Facebook groups because we’ve been perversely banned for no good reason.

We will be celebrating this fantastic news by erecting a humongous and obtrusive signpost on the Crammer in Devizes, blatantly advertising our reprehensible merger, with no indignity. Now defunct from the Guardians, independently bias and in a tizzy town councillor, Chris Greenpants welcomed the obstructive billboard, despite not really favouring proposals for a small ‘ducks crossing’ warning sign. He said, “the last thing anyone wants to see is a squashed duck or swan on our roads, hopefully this sign will distract drivers enough to not notice, until such a time we can kick the carcase into a pothole and cover it over with either horse manure, or the bullshit that comes from our own mouths.”

A spokesman for the Gazette and Herald, Martha Fokker said, “this is officially the most unconvincing April Fool’s joke Devizine has pulled since that statue of MP Claire Perry crap. If only we could think of something to counter attack this pathetic attempt we would, but being we’re a sad sack of spuds, awaiting boiling, we can’t. Oh, by the way, we’re running on the scoop Strictly Come Dancing star Molly Rainford has just bought a house in Lancashire, now, that’s local news.”