Tag: novel

Devizine can reveal how a new book by a local author might possibly be the reason why Devizine isn’t as funny as it used to be….

Devizine, it used to be funny, but sadly it seems it’s not so much anymore. Who took the banana skin from under its flip-flop? Who failed to give it a raspberry on the bouncy belly? Editor and creator of Devizine, Darren Worrow might have discovered why.

He said, “It’s a disgrace. This so-called author Darren Worrow has channelled all his pathetic attempts at humour into his new book Murder at the Scribbling Horse, and hardly bothered sharing anything the slightest bit amusing here on Devizine, as he once did; typical liberties from a loony leftie! And now he expects me to blow my own trumpet and sing his praises; what a pretentious twat! Shamelessly plugging his own book on his own website is surely proof.”

“Set in the fictional Wiltshire market town of Slapam-on-the-Fye, which is nothing like any real Wiltshire market town you might know of, it claims to be a murder-mystery, but the only true thing it murders is English literature.”

“Neither is there any subtlety in it either, like there is with Devizine,” Worrow waffled on sorrowfully wallowing. “Worrow takes no prisoners, has gone all out and created an absolute work of filth; an offensive joke book with a sham narrative, just so he can say disgusting things about various celebrities, politicians and anyone else he doesn’t like, despite the good honest work they’re doing to keep Britain free from logic and empathy.”

“With the mouth of a sailor, it downright disregards any level of intelligence locals might possess, and paints them all as so utterly idiotic the narration of the story has to be conveyed through the point of view of the pub dog; I don’t think that’s funny at all. The dog is a depressing nihilist, who uses the opportunity to put the human world to rights, rather than getting on with telling the story, that’s why it stacks up over 500 pages. 500 plus pages of meandering woke filth, I might add.”

“Using a facade of a murder mystery, in which the frontman to a tribute act is murdered in the pub whilst they organise a fundraising music festival, as the plot thickens like moulded yogurt around his genitalia, it goes as far as disgracefully making a mockery out of petty local politics too. It’s the biggest crime against pop since David Bowie and Mick Jagger’s cover of Dancing in the Street. I’d rather lick that yogurt off than buy this book, but that’s probably what this sick perverted tyrant wants us to do.”

“You’re not going to enjoy reading it, as tea can scold you if dropped in your lap through laughing too much. Therefore I call upon Steer Karma and the government to ban this book for health and safety reasons.”

“This thing wouldn’t have been published under Farage, you know? And thousands of flagpoles will now have to be erected to counteract the unpatriotic damage done, at the taxpayer’s expense too.”

The author of the book, Darren Worrow, rebukes comments made by the Devizine editor, Darren Worrow. “That guy is as thick as a Boxing Day turd and pissing into the wind,” he said. “Other than the fact I have released a new book, the rest is slanderous lies and Devizine will be hearing from my lawyers. Murder at the Scribbling Horse is a fascinating psychological study and critique of the modern world, questioning our nonacceptance of aging and the social and political issues it raises; with added knob jokes.”

The author became irate, claiming, “for eight long years I’ve been tirelessly promoting everyone else for peanuts. I’ve not even had the opportunity of taking a bath since, and I look like a Yeti past its sell by date. It’s about time I thought about myself for a change, and everyone can bloody well return the favour by buying my book!”

If there’s ever any proceeds from the book, they will go to a much needed new Lynx Africa deodorant set, and a Brazilian back, sack and crack wax for the obnoxious author; the twat needs it, he looks like Posie from the Flumps’ rustic vajazzle.

Seriously though, being funny is the only thing I’m serious about. If you laughed at any part of this internal press release you’re a bit weird, and the ideal target audience for my book! You’re going to laugh a kazillion times (that’s a zillion zillions) more with a copy Murder at the Scribbling Horse in your grubby mitts. And even if you’ve no sense of humour, you know a good Christmas present idea when you see one!

You can buy the paperback online here. And the e-book here. It’s out for global distribution but buying direct from Lulu cuts out the middle man and gives the best royalties to the authors. 

Not for sale to children or the over sensitive, though; as if I needed to say!

Murder at the Scribbling Horse is available at Devizes Books for a reduced price of £20, and next Saturday 22nd November, I’ll be in the shop praying to the Norse god of biscuits someone might stop by and purchase a signed copy at the super reduced price of £20!

If you cannot make it, you can message me and I’ll personally deliver you a copy if you live locally. I still need to work out posting & packaging costs, so message me if it needs posting and I’ll let you know about that asap. Happy reading…well, I say that but do I really mean it, I mean, really?!

---