Our recently elected MP Danny Kruger told Devizine exclusively he will stand down next year and allow Boris Johnson to take control of the Devizes constituency.
Danny messaged the office yesterday, sadly heartfelt he informed Devizine he planned to stand down and hand the baton to Boris in a move predicted by fleeing local conservatives during the election. “Being as Devizine has supported my campaign from the beginning,” Danny expressed, “and there’s little doubt those Gazelle & Herod rascals will plagiarise this story anyway, I thought it best to tell you about my decision first.”
We are saddened to hear of Danny’s decision, but look forward to being treated like vermin by the Prime Minster himself. Mr Kruger explained, “it’s not just about the lardy cake, though it is pretty rank. I just feel I’ve not really made an impact on the people of Devizes. I tried to belch up kebab meat and chips along Morris Lane on a Friday night after twenty something Bacardi Breezers down the Crown, but it’s just not me. I’ve hung my dog poo bags on the trees in Drew’s Pond woods like everyone else, I’ve even climbed Rose’s facade and pretended to drive the lawnmower on top of it, but I’m just not cut out for life in Devizes. It’s either a miracle or via Google maps that I even know of these places, and I’m just not at home without a Starbucks drive-thru.”
Mr Kruger, who is nicknamed Danny K by his infamous amateur rap band, went onto explain, “I never felt I could replace Claire, just haven’t got the legs for it. Nor does my good-stock babyface allow for malicious stares and random outbursts, as she was so well respected in the community for.” Danny took the example of when Claire Perry was viciously tapped on the shoulder by a dangerous leftie snowflake during a surgery in Morrisons. “How she called the police that day, to inform them of her attack was nothing short of heroic. If it had been me who was assaulted like that, I’d only have given off a sound akin to a squeaky dog toy.”
His frequent visits to the neediest entrepreneurs and wealthy businesses will be sadly missed. Upon being quizzed about our homeless charities and food banks, Mr Kruger replied, “it was on my to-do-list, but then we had this lockdown thing, honest. Stay in your homes homeless people and I’ll get around to seeing you in a local wine bar soon, but I insist, it’s your round.”
Boris Johnson is said to be thrilled to be moving from the Uxbridge constituency, what he deemed full of “deplorable chavs” and plans to buy a second, or maybe third home in Urchfont, which is so swanky even the road signs are thatched. “I have visited Dewotizits,” he stated, “and didn’t see any Remainer scum, walking letter boxes, or one watermelon smile, which is nice. Just lots of happy Brexiters, so if Brexit doesn’t work out in the UK maybe Dewotizits could get Brexit done on its own.” Then he waffled some impenetrable baloney about Lord Horton’s relationship with an ancestor of his, pledged to save our NHS twenty-seven times over, and how delightfully working-class Chick-o-Land is, until our reporter dropped dead from boredom.
We look forward to seeing Boris’ gold-digger, sorry, I meant girlfriend, Carrie Symonds shopping in Lidl and ranting about spitting teenagers on the Devizes Issues. Admin of the popular Facebook page, Sir Iain Wallis, praised the decision and gave a rambling announcement basically declaring, “anyone who dares to criticise Boris or Carrie on my nonbiased Facebook page I’ll verbally dice into small pieces with my academic wit, so there.”
Boris expressed on social media, “Locally, I will personally build a supermassive train station, airport, and ferry port, just off Sidmouth Street. I also want to get to the bottom of this place in the parking of the market, or whatever you bumpkins are on about with that, whatever it is,” and called for “Dewotizits, Marlborough and Pewsea” to have Boris bikes, as in London; “just with fatter tyres to withstand all the potholes.” Unaware we already have plenty of usable town bikes, at the Bin, for the cost of a vodka & Red Bull.
On social media, where Boris initially announced the plans, he was promptly welcomed by all, expect for Amanda Attwood who banned him from The Devizes Issue for using the word “bottom.”
Mayor Judy Rose will welcome Boris to our constituency on 1st April 2021, aptly All Fools Day, with a plush champagne reception and town council ceremony, kindly paid for by council tax revenue. All councillors will be present to give Boris virtual hugs, but the public will not be invited. Local businessman Iain Wallis was angered by the news. Crying outside the Town Hall, he whispered, “it should’ve been me who kissed his ring, that is the final straw, teddy bears assemble!”
Recently converted fascist, Morrissey is said to entertain at the event, with party games such as pin the slander on Corbyn, pass the NHS parcel to a US medical company and a Donald Tusk pinata, as hosted by filthy Islamophobic Katie Hopkins. “I usually cry in the kitchen at parties,” Danny said, “but this one should be an awfully spiffing blowout bash, and we’ll end up down Spoons, no doubt, or any other commercial pub chain which doesn’t pay its employees, if there is one.”