The Modernisation of Wiltshire Museum; Chatting with Amber

Okay, that’s enough now! The social media presence of Wiltshire Museum in Devizes has shot from zero to hero. Vlogs of staff dancing in period clothing, creating street art, and generally enjoying themselves far too much! When did working at a museum look so much fun, unless you’re Ben Stiller?! 

This all came to an apex during carnival, which saw them brazenly parading Long Street dressed as Stonehenge’s sarsens and lintels! Where’s the rusty neolithic tools and bits of rock in rotting condensated oak cabinets, and the bearded teacher with leather elbow patches dragging unwilling kids by their ears?! The fault is apparently shouldered by their new Marketing & Events Officer, Amber Pullen. I went down to Wiltshire Museum to meet Amber, and give her a piece of my mind!

While I waited for this social media virtuoso, some children were exiting the museum, headdressed and clasping gifts with the expressions of someone whoโ€™s just had a really fun morning. Devizes should be proud, for it is a great museum already, seemingly as dimensionally transcendental as Dr Whoโ€™s Tardis. But while I was there, I had to consider that the bigger on the inside surprise factor might be reversed, once theyโ€™ve relocated to the grand Assize Court. I must ask Amber about the project, but also I wanted to focus on her too, because in order to make that transition effective, Wiltshire Museum must make a marketing impact now.

Amber started here in April. Since then it’s been a crucial time for the museum, as it embarks on its most adventurous move ever. I gave thought to the Natural History Museum, and @Bristol, where tech makes them interactive, and I supposed, while Wiltshire Museum has always had interactive qualities for children, like the gold digging pit and brilliant spongy build-your-own Stonehenge, such things are crucial for the contemporary appeal of a museum. Then, I supposed digital marketing was equally as important, to get them through the door in the first place! Here is where Amber shines, but most importantly of all, she took kindly to the Ben Stiller comparison! 

โ€œThat’s going to have to go into my marketing strategy,โ€ she said of the film, Night at the Museum!

โ€œI don’t come from a history or archaeology background,โ€ Amber said about my negative memories of seventies school trips to museums, later revealing she came from an acting perspective. โ€œBut I think culture and heritage are still a definite passion and interest of mine. And I think for a lot of people, they are. But as you said, I think thereโ€™s an element to museums which have, like a wall up or something, which doesn’t always make them always liked by certain demographics, or make certain people feel welcome, but there’s definitely stuff for them to enjoy in them. And it’s changing the conversation, changing the tone or just going, actually, it’s not that scary to walk in because you can still have fun here!โ€

True that; thereโ€™s an extensive program of events for all ages, crafts and clubs for children, which sell out quickly. But does Amber feel the social media is attracting new visitors and opening to a wider demographic? โ€œAgain, it’s hard to tell with social media, you can obviously have your stats change, but that doesn’t necessarily mean those stats bring in those audiences. I’d like to think it does. People have said to me, whether it’s a biassed thing, or โ€˜I’ve seen more about it online,โ€™ so I think just having that voice or that conversation existing is really lovely. And also, being on the edge of town, we can sometimes get driven past or forgotten about. Iโ€™m hoping that people remember, in a fun way!โ€

We talked about the honesty expressed in the videos, and the fun; laughing about encouraging Museum curator David to dance, where Amber confessed, โ€œI think having fun is probably my main go-to!โ€ and โ€œDavid said to me early on, he pretty much has no shame. And I was like, well this is going to go wonderfully because, me too!โ€ But Amber explained he did forewarn her not to get him singing or dancing!

Amber suggested she was concerned about how the older generations would accept the โ€œmore playfulโ€ adaptations to the museumโ€™s media content, with the notion โ€œyou’re never going to please everyone,โ€ but explained, โ€œI think what’s really wonderful is, actually, they’ve interacted and received it well, way better than I thought! Even the volunteers here, I was like, okay, that’s really wonderful to hear, because I think also they care about, you know, how can we get a younger audience in? And if we’re not, why not? And how can we?โ€

With the idea of using tech for interactive exhibits, Amber confirmed they would be developing more of this for the new Museum. โ€œI think humans learn in many different ways,โ€ she said. โ€œSome people would love to come in here and read everything, but others might like to learn through the interactives or the costume corner and then just look at all the gold and like the visual interactive which is probably my learning style!โ€

On carnivalโ€™s Stonehenge costumes, Amber said, โ€œwe needed to turn up in this community, for sure, but I’m not just carrying a banner!  So, I got five of us dressed as cardboard boxes, which was really good fun! Next year we just know to go bigger and louder. So that’s a nice thing to prepare for.โ€

If weโ€™re talking about the future, the burning question must be, when will the museum reopen at the Assize Court? Amber suggested, โ€œwe’re going for 2030, which would be wonderful. I have every hope in that. Which sounds a long time away, but actually it’s only three years if you think about it.โ€

The best thing about the project is destiny; the building looks like it should be a museum! โ€œExactly that,โ€ Amber agreed. โ€œThat’s exactly what it looks like.โ€

And on its modernisation, Amber mentioned how their engagement, creating, and education teams have been working together. โ€œThey’ve been doing so many meetings and planning in the background, and with work starting next month, I know enabling works are due to start in October, which will be so exciting for not only us here to see, but everyone else in the town to see.โ€

Amber exemplified the recent shaman revelation, where the two-centuries long assumption Upton Lovell Shamanโ€™s gender was male, has been turned on its head through recent scientific discovery, and transformed our understanding of Bronze Age gender roles. โ€œIt’s she, not he,โ€ Amber expressed, and explained, โ€œshe will have her own interactive screens with wonderful bits that you can learn more from. I think the idea is we’ll have cleaner spaces to work around; that’s the ambition.โ€

Recounting the amount of times Amber used the word โ€œfun,โ€ and speaking about how to engage the community of all ages, throughout our chat, would be impossible! Her optimistic approach and ecstatic enthusiasm rubs off on an institution which might otherwise be wrongly considered dull; that is the magic happening at Wiltshire Museum, proir to this exciting move.

Proof of this is in the way Amber explained that the Upton Lovell Shaman was once described as a stout man, โ€œbut not a stout man at all! And that’s really wonderful, going forward in terms of not only changing the museum to a new place and being able to tell multiple stories in new ways, it’s also completely celebrating a whole new story and what we have now learned from modern technology that can retest these things, which is really cool, really great and I think really exciting. This is awesome for sure!โ€

See what I mean?! Iโ€™m actually deleting some of Amberโ€™s optimistic expressions, to save the word count! โ€œFun is going to be at the root of everything I do, to be honest. Probably just how I function.โ€

The obvious advantage to having the Assize Court, is a large event space, and it got me thinking about recent occasions when this would have been advantageous; when Brian Edwards made national headlines with the discovering the origin of the thatcher on the Led Zeppelin album cover, David and I discussed the prospect of having a Led Zeppelin tribute, or the possibility of local electronica producer Moray McDonald paying homage to Daphne Oram, these things could have been done internally at the new museum. But day to day, having elements like a cafรฉ, which Amber said was on the cards, would surely keep visitors for longer, and refreshed.

I mentioned Johnny Ball, and how he made maths and science fun in my youth, and Amber praised the brilliant Horrible Histories television series, which does a roadshow, and we agreed this would be something amazing to bring to Devizes. โ€œI think those things are really important,โ€ Amber said, โ€œand finding new ways to kind of express all the stories. How we can make it interesting for the people who don’t naturally like just reading and absorbing information.โ€

I asked Amber if there is a secret to social media success that she would like to share?! 

โ€œNo,โ€ she replied, โ€œbecause I am convinced that the algorithms are ever-changing. I think half the time people don’t know what they’re doing. And maybe I’m so foolish for saying this myself, but I think they’re so advanced now; just be authentic. For me, I’m quite a playful, bubbly person, so I try to put that into my marketing style, as well as obviously the element of knowing the team here are so lovely and also similar. So, why not bring that to it? Because those people exist in the space that we’re also trying to promote.โ€

We chatted about how fast social media changes, compared platforms, and debated their worth. My aging mind boggled, but I returned from Wiltshire Museum confident about its prospects and growth through this entertaining engagement, and grateful to Amber for such a nice chat!


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Devizes Issues Wants You!

Dubiously biased and ruled with an iron fist, the mighty admin of the once popular Devizes Facebook group, Devizes Issues, is using the iconic Great War โ€œLord Kitchener Wants Youโ€ recruitment poster by Alfred Leete to plead for volunteer moderators; jump to it, comrades!

Why? Wouldnโ€™t a picture of some Care Bears, or an AI image of some mugs with frustrated expressions be more suitable? Meanwhile, admins of the alternative group, Devizes Issues (but bitter) are asking, โ€œerm, any1 no like what is, a, like, moderator?โ€ย 

Tragically, it’s estimated 900,000 British lives were lost during the first world war, and the poster played its part in convincing young people to sign their own death warrants. To  pastiche it for such a petty purpose is disturbing, or at least extremely dark humour. Though it proves either the admin hasnโ€™t lost his unsettling sense of humour under all the pressure, or heโ€™s flipped on a Trump level and intends to invade the Potterne Pages Facebook page for reasons of national security!

You might think youโ€™re only signing up to delete the occasional lefty meme, but youโ€™ll be handed a tin hat and rifle, and be ordered to march towards The Patch, just you wait and see! 

Coincidently the town councillor admin of Devizes Issues has banned a similar number, simply for having a differing opinion on a subject, or using vulgar words, like poo, Gary Lineker, or Devizine. Face it, your king, country and local Facebook group needs youโ€ฆ.to ban your besties; do your duty and enlist now!

I’ve been banned, you’ve been banned, we’ve all been triggered by the obsessive Conservative propaganda on the group at least once, which resulted in the chip on the shoulder unashamedly displayed herein, and a lifetime ban; he thrives on the power trip like General Ludendorff inhaling his super-strength gas in the Wonder Woman movie. Haven’t seen it yet? Thatโ€™s because you spend too much time sucking up to admin on local Facebook groups, you fascist booklicker!

Occasionally, it’s an urban myth that someone will hand him a little bag of Haribo, he’ll cheer up for a whole three seconds and invite the odd Facebook user back in; โ€œvewy well. I shall welease… Wodewick!โ€ If you’ve been bestowed this honour you’ll know how exciting it feels to be suddenly wanted again. I congratulate you, suggest you’re ideal for the important role, though I fear there’s little chance of it ever happening to me; ashamed I hold my head in my hands, cry here in my own little corner of freedom.

But I don’t envy him for running a group akin to a Devizes GB News, it canโ€™t be an easy task, bless his cotton socks. If it were me I’d be sorry I started the fiasco now, do the right thing and archive the virulent exercise. Especially being the group isn’t as labelled. It’s not a local issues group at all, rather the prime issue in Devizes itself, a not very cleverly disguised conflict of interests and only a platform for Conservative campaigning. Perhaps if it labelled itself appropriately people wouldnโ€™t mock it so, and he might not need recruits to moderate it; vicious circle, but the best laugh today on an otherwise toxic social media platform.

Very good, as you were.ย 


Love Devizes Issues? The Local Facebook Group Which Banned a Covid Community Support Page

On the day the first Ukraine refugees arrive in Devizes, and government shockingly announces its intentions to set up concentration camps for illegal refugees in Rwanda, it seems Devizes Town Councillor Iain Wallis has played his small part in the hypocrisy, by banning the Facebook page Love Devizes Covid19 Support from his large and influential group, Devizes Issues.…..

Love Devizes Covid19 Support was set up at the beginning of the pandemic, its ethos to enable โ€œthe people of Devizes to support, inspire and strengthen one another,โ€ has seen volunteers running needed shopping and prescription trips for those self-isolating, manning advise phone lines, has advised and assisted with the vaccine rollout at the Corn Exchange, and has been a pillar of support in our community.

As the focus on the pandemic is gradually easing, the group has partially turned its attention onto the Ukraine crisis, extending a warm hand of advice and support for those entering the Devizes area, fleeing war-torn zones, and those taking in refugees. It continues to support the community too, helping to create and promote the Devizes Living Room, a social gathering group which meets in the Shambles.

The Facebook group not to be confused with many others of similar names, has come under scrutiny of bias and censorship beyond its set out rules and regulations; heck, I was banned and so too has the Devizine page for hinting Boris Johnson may not be the deity heโ€™s made out to be! So, yeah, Iโ€™ll confess some bitterness, because at best what Devizes Issues has done is create a worthy forum of local matters. It remains open to political debate on local and international matters, and encourages members to participate in such discussions. Though it appears more and more the group will not tolerate anyone disagreeing with admin, but to outright ban a community group created to help those most in need is seriously counterproductive to the reason it exists, surely?!

Admin, Councillor Iain Wallis has not given comment reasoning the ban at this time, but I would encourage the group decides its precise purpose and not pose as an impartial community group when quite clearly it holds an agenda, for whatever that reasoning is, intended to block community support groups. Holy Moly, the issue in Devizes is the Devizes Issues; itโ€™s all getting a bit Jackie Weaver out here!


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Flora Fiora Kicking the Tyres

Chedworth, Gloucestershire; proud village soloist, songwriter and model Flora Fiora is kicking the tyres and smashing windows in with a new single, and itโ€™s aboutโ€ฆ

New Ladies-Only Club Opens In The Market Place.

A ladies-only club, four gloriously eccentric rooms and a barista in a bowler hat: The Dressing House is anything but ordinary. Devizine contributor Charlotte Howardโ€ฆ

3 Daft Monkeys at The Barge on HoneyStreet

Witnessed amazing fireworks for Confetti Battle in Devizes, and I hopped eastwards to that sacred hippy haven in the Pewsey Vale, The Barge at HoneyStreet;โ€ฆ

Stormtrooper in a Teacup at Devizes Town Council

A Saturday afternoon, Iโ€™m trying to watch the new Boba Fett Star Wars series here, and whatโ€™s more important, I ask you; me being fair and impartial about a Handforth-Parish-Council-Zoom-meeting style squabble between Devizes Town Councillors, or the fate of the Tusken Raiders now the Huttโ€™s legacy has concluded on Tatooine?!

Itโ€™s rhetorical, full gone conclusion, yet being without endorsement I was quoted in local rag The Gazelle & Herod, I feel about as moderately involved as Salacious was in Return of the Jedi (heโ€™s the giggling jester gremlin who lives in the folds of Jabbaโ€™s flab.)

To quote Obi-Wan, โ€œI felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened!โ€ No shit, Jedi; Devizes Town Council are trying to stop councillors posting so much as an amusing meme on social media, or least thatโ€™s the talk on social media, initiated by a town councillor!

Between North Ward Conservative Iain Wallis stating his case within the confines of his own Facebook group, Devizes Issues, Iโ€™m also chatting with East Ward Conservative Johnathan Hunter, in a kinda east coast/north side stand off. Iโ€™ve told them both what they need is a nice, Labour speaker to settle the score, but neither rose to the bait; typical Tories!

To begin I took Iainโ€™s opinion as red, supporting his gallant efforts to project the happenings within DTC, as other councillors donโ€™t use social media with quite the same efficiency. But Johnathan, concerned the local rag went to town with a one-sided scoop, โ€œa half-story without the full facts and presented them in a way which couldnโ€™t be further from the truth,โ€ claimed, โ€œthe last thing anyone wants are restrictions in free speech or any type of so-called gagging, which would be absolutely unacceptable as well as plainly ridiculous.โ€

Yeah, thatโ€™s what I was going with, ridiculous. Ridiculouso, because while theyโ€™re squabbling between themselves over usage of social media, one has to ponder if theyโ€™re dealing with the issues theyโ€™re supposed to be dealing with; my nan would say โ€œIโ€™ll bash yer bleedinโ€™ โ€˜eads together,โ€ cos she resolved conflicts that way, thatโ€™s why there were never conflicts in the family.

Jonathan continued, he โ€œwould never oppose the use of social media. No one wants draconian restrictions or censorship; however, no single person should control the narrative. Iain provides excellent updates and info on social media, but is selective with rules and posts. Iโ€™m not a Guardian but there are some good people who want good stuff for the town. I think with social media groups there should be a more open approach and less controlling if counter views donโ€™t suit a particular narrative.โ€

So, according to Johnathan, no one objected to a deadlock on social media usage, rather suggested it was controlled with equality for all councillors, and this has been blown out of proportion. โ€œTotally blown!โ€ he responded.

Devizes Town Council proudly announces on its website: In March 2020 the Council was re-accredited with a Quality Gold Award – which it has held since 2015 – demonstrating it delivers its services in a way which is at the forefront of best practice by achieving an excellent standard in community governance, community leadership and performance management.

Ah, thatโ€™s nice, but what of it, if the public doesnโ€™t know what services it actually delivers? Where can you find out whatโ€™s happening at DTC?

Thereโ€™s a website, with PDFs of minutes. Can I get the minutes of the meeting involving this outcry? โ€œThe 2017 policy is on the council website,โ€ Johnathan tells me, โ€œBut as the proposals havenโ€™t been approved, they are not in the public domain.โ€ Itโ€™s a far slower process than despatching a Tweet, and besides, youโ€™ve got to go find it, rather than it splash in your face via your phone.

I told Iain, โ€œFolk don’t come (to meetings) as I suspect they believe they’ll succumb to hours of โ€˜article 234 on the agenda, Reg Smith wants to erect a weathercock on his shed…. type stuff. Ergo, we need a summary, which is exactly what you do, and most would be in favour of that, logically.โ€

โ€œThere is definitely a place for an officially DTC line and it should be on their Facebook page,โ€ Iain replied. โ€œDTC social media presence has improved significantly since the new community engagement manager took up her post.โ€ Though compare Devizes Town Councilโ€™s Facebook pageโ€™s 1,073 likes, and 123 followers on Twitter, with Devizes Issuesโ€™ 14K members, understandable Mr Wallisโ€™ posts there have tenfold the clout of DTC posting on its own page.

What they need is to take a leaf from Iainโ€™s book, create a flourishing “group” rather than a “page” as it’s more open to discussion, and anyone can contribute. Then, and only then, can DTC say please keep social media posts about council matters on the DTC group. Jonathan agrees, โ€œit needs to be improved.โ€

Hopeful if done it would put an end to the pettiness? Yeah, right. Iain gives me a โ€˜howeverโ€™; โ€œI think there is also the case for individual councillors to speak. We are not one council and we are not all bound to think and speak in the same way. We are bound by democratically made decisions but we donโ€™t have to like them. We should be able to engage with the public and give our own views separately to the councilโ€™s official position.โ€

Totally agree with Iain on this one, though on their own platform rather than one they have created for โ€œgeneral purpose.โ€ As the dispute of the impartiality of Devizes Issues is never-ending, it is up to the individual to note he controls that particular powerful Facebook page, and what is published are not agreements made by the entire council; akin to national media, who knows what to believe anymore?

Jonathanโ€™s key concern is that, โ€œan article has been written in the G&H and also posted by Iain, grossly exaggerating potential proposals and is therefore misinforming the public by using headlines like gagging order. The draft policy hasnโ€™t even been debated and agreed in the relevant committee in Council.โ€

In a heartfelt counter-article placed on other local Facebook groups, which Johnathan says heโ€™s โ€œnot allowed to share elsewhere,โ€ he calls thereโ€™s โ€œnever been any intention to restrict debate, free speech or social media interaction – itโ€™s crucial to have an ongoing conversation within the community and for the community.โ€

โ€œWhat a sound social media policy would look like is one when no single individual controls the narrative, and/or censors free speech claiming that it doesnโ€™t fit into the rules as it doesnโ€™t suit a particular narrative. Many organisations are reviewing their social guidelines to also move forward with the times, especially in a world of misinformation.โ€

Newly elected in May last year, what we know of him is his hard-working community projects particularly during lockdown, in planning and committee responsibilities, his focus on building better provision for young people, and involvement in Greening Projects. โ€œHowever,โ€ he states, โ€œI am not involved in any schemes to restrict free speech, censorship or that crass term โ€˜gagging order.โ€™โ€

What we have here is a storm in a teacup, intended to belittle parts of the council by other sides. In my honest opinion, the argument is crass and misinforming, but not reflective of the good and hard work councillors are really doing behind the scenes.

Though those behind-the-scenes points need to be publicised impartially better than it is, and folk need to be made aware what theyโ€™re reading is the view of one councillor only when taking information from the Devizes Issues. Weโ€™ve covered the bias there in the past, my conclusion is, intentional or unintentional there is, despite denial from admin. It came to apex when I myself was banned for proposing it was wrong for the taxpayer to fork out the millions for the PCC re-election, and I stand by that notion as proof of censorship.

Same here I confess, if you were to suggest Supreme Chancellor Palpatine was right to manipulate the battle of Geonosis to escalate the Clone Wars, Iโ€™d have you banned, outright!

But in the Star Wars universe one councillor would saunter into The Mos Eisley cantina, and with one bout of laser gun battle would solve the problem, and thatโ€™s not usually the way it works in Devizes. โ€œDevizes town council meetings actually sound that bit more exciting than I projected here,โ€ I added to Iainโ€™s musings on the episode, โ€œdo we bring our own weapons or are they provided?โ€ It got two laughing emojis, which was all I was after, really, I donโ€™t expect this to be solved anytime soon.

Might as well go for all three trilogies in one, and send yourself to a galaxy far far away than wait for a conclusion to this!


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JP Oldfieldโ€™s Saltwater Gospel

Devizes favourite southern fried gothic-Delta blues one man band, JP Oldfield has an EP released at the end of the week, Saltwater Gospel. Itโ€™s aโ€ฆ

Jess Chiverโ€™s Sunrise Comparison

Iโ€™ve found myself sympathising about post-punk recently, how they scrambled around in the dark somewhat, taking pot shots at reggae, claiming a โ€œnew wave,โ€ orโ€ฆ

Whatโ€™s on at the Wharf Theatre in October?

OCTOBER at The Wharf Theatre, Devizes arrives with a burst of creativity, variety and irresistible entertainment. This monthโ€™s programme showcases everything that makes the Wharfโ€ฆ

Facebookland, Really?

Iโ€™d always imagined a virtual reality internet, but honestly, with Facebook, sorry Meta, (which incidentally sounds like the name of a hard rock magazine,) announcing it will create one, has to bring about an element of slight concern. Itโ€™s not just since Zuckerberg has made the billionaire club his liberal stance has warped into the ultimate conservatism, rather judging by the content and actions of users on Facebook, theyโ€™re best hidden behind a screen.

Donโ€™t get me wrong, I love Facebook, addicted to the bloody thing, canโ€™t keep my fingers off it. I check it at breakfast, lunch and tea. I check it on the loo; if I liked your status today, I probably didnโ€™t actually read it, rather I accidently clicked it while rescuing my phone from the u-bend. I check it night and day, and when Iโ€™m asleep my dreams come over as a newsfeed.

Like many others my initial reaction to the news was jaw-dropping, I was held in awe. The more I think about it, though, I beg you consider, your Facebook feed, in realityโ€ฆ…

If an actual place, Facebookland would be, best guess, an irrelevantly violent place, with a lot of obnoxious bigots. Think how many peopleโ€™s comments you read make you wish you could punch them on the nose, praise be the day you could do it.

As soon as you arrive in Facebookland numpties will be thrusting dishes of food in your face, not offering you any, rather just to show you what theyโ€™re eating. โ€œLook at what my wife made!โ€ Theyโ€™ll bellow, โ€œlook at what I got at Nandos;โ€ for crying out loud.

Cats and other pets will be everywhere, doing cute stunts, and people will demand you watch them. The skyline will be filled with billboards of misinformation and propaganda in block capitals and primary school grammatical errors. Every book or newspaper will be in emoji, everyone will be shouting, few people somehow liking, but not really listening, because theyโ€™re too busy doing their own shouting.

Opinionated keyboard warriors you can punch, Facebookland would resemble a Tekken tag team tournament more than real life. Iโ€™d give Greta Thunberg about thirty seconds in there. Endless chains of people, stopping you to ask if you know what time Lidl is open, can you recommend a carpet fitter, or asking if you know what the handbrake light on their car means. If anything, the internet has lessened idle chitchat between strangers on the street, and you want to head back into a virtual realm where it perpetually occurs? Youโ€™ll be late for work every morning.

Late for work because fifty people stopped you on the street to thrust a photograph of a renowned philosopher in your face, only to ramble off some supposed inspirational quote you doubt they even said. Late because you had a dying need to discover your Star Wars bounty hunter name, by melding letters from your postcode with the name of your first pet, and returning home to find someone ransacked your flat and emptied your piggy bank.

No need for a police force, face it, everyone is a cop, everyone is a robber. Power-hungry group admins acting like bouncers at the door of a nightclub, spammers saunter town like chuggers, eavesdropping your every word. Whisper the word trampoline, I double-dare you, and a hundred frenzied trampoline salesmen will mob you.

My last Facebook Messenger request was a message from a total stranger who felt the need to tell me her โ€œvagina was very beautiful.โ€ For reasons of account privacy, I ignored it, I get similar messages racing through my spam filter daily. Another one said, โ€œIโ€™m naked, without my clothes,โ€ which in itself is either presumptuous, assuming I donโ€™t know the definition of the word naked, or they have devised some ingenious method of being clothed and naked simultaneously. Imagine these in real life, itโ€™d be harder to ignore. Youโ€™re walking with the wife, and a woman saunters up to you to tell you her vagina was beautiful; where do you look?

Alongside this constant red-light district, life for the beautiful would be an endless building site, where wolf-whistles and chauvinistic taunts ring out perpetually. Thereโ€™s a cathedral of far-right knuckle-draggers and a flat Earth theorists beach cafรฉ; are they the kind of Facebook users I really wish to bump into on the street?

Child free too, Facebookland, teenagers all live separately in Instagramville and Tik-Tok Town, twerking and kicking each otherโ€™s doors. The entire day spent in the park choregraphing a Kayne West move, where bikini-clad chicks are pranked by a twentysomething so-called magician, else trying to craft a diamond sword in a pixilated universe, while a Superman skin is kicking the butts of innocent bystanders on an urban street.

Guess youโ€™ll find me at the gig, where I donโ€™t need put my beer down to clap at the end of the song, just fire off a handclapping emoji. And every so often, people ignore you, because theyโ€™re busy checking their real self in some far-off realm called reality, where everyone lives in a plastic box floating in the ocean; itโ€™ll never catch on, least not until 2030.

And weโ€™ll eat, imaginary humus and iceberg lettuce, drink nettle tea and be merrily, liking each otherโ€™s status updates in real time, remembering those sadly passed over to the other side, Twitter Island; we had to let him go, by the end he was talking in hashtags.

And you thought a holographic Abba concert was annoyingly cutting edge.


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Dinosaurs at Jurassic Hillworth Park!

Images: Jess Worrow Ah, for the connotations of US drive-in movie theaters, now in decline over the pond, but embedded as characteristic romantic americana; theโ€ฆ

I See Orange Pining For Apollo

If spring saw Swindonโ€™s premier rock trio I See Orange breaking new ground on a US tour, autumn brings with it their first full lengthโ€ฆ

DOCA Awarded National Lottery Grant

Congratulations to Devizes Outdoor Celebratory Arts, who announced yesterday that they’ve been awarded a substantial National Lottery Project Grant from Arts Council Englandโ€ฆ. This isโ€ฆ