While I postponed my midmorning nap on Wednesday and made my way to St John’s Parish Rooms, a dweeb in London held a little red case to snapping cameras. I do not fear his pale red cases, with no reasonable strategy inside them. Families under financial pressure, Hammond said he understands, and chose “a balanced approach;” he said, and said those words, he said them, but he lied them.

Instead the fix-it-up chappie waved £3bn off to ensure Brexit runs smoothly, and hey, just ask if you need more stars on thars. In a week where a government free of Europe pathetically announced legal recognition of animals as “sentient beings” will not be incorporated into UK law, anyone with a heart sunk and begun to digest what England will really be like when we leave, under the, apparently, regime of current savages.

Meanwhile he joshed the deputy speaker a Merry Christmas, announced he was freezing taxes on alcohol, trimming a quid off a bottle of whiskey, but under the same breath, whacked the price up of cider; discounted alcohol, habitually bought by people on low-income; a shameful reflection on the entire budget.

So despite convalescing from last week’s backlash of scornful comments from Tory-loving hypocrites, I find myself no option but to “bash” again.

I cannot stop, they’re squeezing the poor and rewarding the rich, when will basic humanity kick in? If animals are beyond hope, humans ought to at least be treated with dignity and respect, no matter what their circumstances.

Yet councils continue issuing fines to homeless for sleeping in doorways or pitching tents. Winter looming, you can’t camp, can’t afford a cheap bottle of plonk to warm you and numb the stress. The solution isn’t whacking up the price; it’s support, it’s giving them a light at the end of the tunnel.

Recent reports estimate 300,000 people now sleep rough on Britain’s streets, and if you’re not a people-person, consider the cost of preventing and cracking homelessness is far less than the cost of doing nothing.

In Devizes we have minor homeless issues. Still I stand like a loose lemon while Angie Carpenter, the coordinator of Devizes Opendoors potters about, juggling counselling a person with a pending court case, putting marigolds on to clean and also, talks to me about the work they do here.

Now I beg, don’t run away with the presumption I’m aiming guns at you, just because you’re Conservative, I’m aware some locally  support and actively engage with this worthy cause, I’m merely pointing the finger at a system which leaves people vulnerable. The wonderful thing about Devizes is, apolitically, many assist and support this group, and that it is, by comparison, a small-time operation.

Still, as I observe a young girl sort through a pile of donated clothes and beam when she finds a warm hat which meets her approval, I note Devizes Opendoor is a necessity for these few.

I’m there towards the end of the session; there’s usually about fifteen to thirty people coming in, they’ve finished breakfast; a cooked meal and cereals or fruit. I asked Angie if this number has increased recently, as National Audit Office stats show a 134% rise in rough sleepers and a 60% for households living in temporary accommodation since 2010. But she clarified it was quite stable. In the summer they get more, as travellers pass through, “you might only see them once or twice a year,” she explained.

For the people here today there was a calm community spirt, no harassment, no cross-words and no pestering of any kind.

There are books to take along with clothes, fresh bread, fruit, biscuits and tinned food, plus the tea urn is constantly boiling. There’s washing facilities and advice leaflets. Lidal, Morrisons and M&S all donated food, people genuinely only took what they needed and much was left, to be collected by passing Michelle of the Food Bank.

Angie has volunteered here for two-and-a-half years out of the six Opendoor has had its doors open, and she has ambitious plans to create a hostel. The Parish Rooms are open on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for only a few hours, and on Thursday for more one-to-one sessions. Ideally, longer periods daily would benefit the people.

Angie was delighted the concert on Saturday had raised over a thousand pounds and the sponsored sleep-outs allow people to come to terms with the realities faced; still this operation needs exposure, and needs more volunteers. The hostel project needs backing, she told me how Anzac House would’ve suited, but it wasn’t to be. For more information about OpenDoors and how you can get involved: click here.

In conclusion then, am I Bam-Bam Rubble, overzealous with “bashing?” I noted Claire Perry voted for this crazy non-recognition of animals as “sentient beings” and dispatched my concerns. I think Claire now acknowledges she need respond asap; here’s her reply:

“To be clear: the idea that my colleagues and I somehow do not accept that animals are sentient beings is quite honestly ludicrous. This vote was on a very specific amendment about EU regulations, and whilst we support the sentiment of the amendment, there were concerns about some specifics, and we thought it much better to use our own legal system to continue to deliver strong animal welfare protection – we have among the strongest animal protections in Europe and intend to keep them that way. As you will know, we have high welfare standards on farms, do not allow cockfighting or bull fighting and have a proud tradition of animal protection.

You may know that there are already provisions in UK law, such as the Animal Welfare Act 2006, which recognise that if an animal is capable of experiencing pain and suffering, then it is sentient and afforded protection under that Act, and the Minister assured the House during the debate that “Animals will continue to be recognised as sentient beings under domestic law”.

I have made clear a number of times that I myself am a huge animal lover, and I can assure you that the UK Government has a proud history of protecting animal rights, which will not be affected by our departure from the EU. Indeed, based on the Animal Welfare Act, the Animal Protection Index rates the UK’s formal recognition of animal sentience as grade A, whereas other EU countries such as France, Italy and Spain have a much lower rating of grade C.

But that is not what the vote on Wednesday was about. The vote was a question not of ends, but means. The amendment proposed would have limited practical impact, and ran the risk of creating legal uncertainty. However, the Minister made clear that the Government supports the sentiment of the proposed amendment, and he reassured the House that: “One way or another, we need it [animal sentience] to be present in UK law at the end of this.” He went on to make clear that we intend not only to retain our existing standards of animal welfare once we have left the EU, but to enhance them by having the freedom to develop our own gold-standard protections on animal welfare.

Don’t be fooled by the trouble-making SNP party on something as important as animal welfare!”

Perhaps it’s media hysteria; I’ll take Claire’s word and leave you aghast; has that Worrow bloke turned blue, has he metamorphosed from basher to conservative partisan, by one nice letter? Don’t hold your breath.

The Homelessness Reduction Bill has been in place since April, obliging councils to begin the assessment of people at risk of losing their home sooner. Rebuking claims it takes a light-touch approach to dealing with the issue, the government promised to invest £550m by 2020. Homeless charity, Shelter wants the government to end the freeze on housing benefit and pledge affordable home building.

All I know is, while they squabble over preventing the causes of homelessness, they cleared ours from Dews Pond Wood, and benefits are still being slashed more than victims of Michael Myers. People still need help, and whilst they do we should be thankful for these hard-working volunteers as they plan a Christmas Dinner at OpenDoors. So I urge you, if you can donate, offer a few hours a week of your time to help, please do.

With lots of people asking me about Christmas Fayres in town this year, many in need of stallholders and in turn, stallholders looking for fayres, here’s the all that I’ve listed on the Devizine calendar to date in one handy package!

If I’ve missed one then it’s cos you didn’t tell me about it! Tell me now and if you’re still on the good list, I’ll add it!

Thursday 23rd November:

Christmas Shopping Night @ The Giving Tree, Ginnel

Friday 24th November:

Christmas Light Switch on & Lantern Parade 

Christmas Shopping Event @ Seend Playgroup

Saturday 24th November:

Christmas Craft Fayre @ Cross Keys, Rowde

Monday 27th:

Police HQ Christmas Fayre

Friday 1st December:

Rowde Academy Christmas Fayre

German Style Market @ Southbroom Infants

Wharf Tea Rooms Christmas Market

Saturday 2nd December

St Josephs Christmas Fayre

Lion’s Club Christmas Fayre @ Corn Exchange  

Friday 8th December

Seend School Christmas Fayre

Saturday 9th/Sunday 10th December

Caen Hill Cafe Christmas Market

The Farm Cookery School Christmas Fayre

Friday 15th December

Southbroom St James Academy Christmas Fayre

Saturday 16th December

Breakfast with Father Christmas @ The Fire Station

While other towns seem to have the odd Facebook group or two, Devizes has more than its population; they’re the new pubs. The reason boils to rage caused by the popular page admin’s desire to maintain order, which in its own significant way projects a reality on the approaches of the Facebook-using populace of Devizes.

If you want to post impertinent witticisms there’s a page for that, I was soon kicked off as “No Surprises” is officially no longer funny. If you’re hosting an event, there’s a page for this. If you photograph a car which appears to have been parked by a legless Jim Henson creation, there’s even a page for that too.

One of the better pages for messing with people’s minds and enraging the status quo is the Devizes Debate, all members prepped to give their tuppence as if they’ve been in Jeremy Paxman’s nose-bag, on any issue, be it local or worldwide, as if anyone in a position of power to change it is reading.

Naturally politics dominate the feed, seems to offer an alternative view is considered “unproductive” and being Devizes is as top-heavy Tory as Katie Hopkin’s birthday bash (and let’s face it, she deserves a good bash,) it’s only fair those with views slightly leftfield get their comments scrutinised, affronted, and the more rage-driven ones are even saved for a later date, when they can be used against them more effectively; I love it!

The socket of the “debate” page under analysis, members don’t like debating, maybe we call it the “heil Theresa May and all who sail in her” page?

A mere mention the Conservative party could be slightly unfair or harsh, such as, oh I don’t know, off the top of my head; selling off the silly old NHS maybe, blindly continuing to frack perhaps, denying climate change, getting into bed with terrorist organisations, slashing benefits for the most vulnerable, cutting funding for schools, charities and councils, and a variety of petty issues like that, will evoke a temper-tantrum from conformist right-wing cohorts as if the Daily Mail comment section was never invented.

They overuse the ironic term, “Tory bashing,” as if posting an alternative viewpoint is akin to physical violence; truly believing nothing the government do should be criticised. Surely it’s the underprivileged that are really being bashed? Take one for the team guys, or sit it out on the bench.

So I adopted the “can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” ethos and posted thus: “Can we have a debate group without all these lefty-types? It’s just not right; poor people, voicing their opinions. Whatever next? They’ll want feeding, you’ll see.” Alas it was still met with antagonistic comments; they had little faith in my conversion to the dark side, assuming I was being ironic. Ironic, moi? Us ill-educated don’t even know what the word means.

Here then is what really bolts their goat out of its pen I ponder, they’d rather us be illiterate, unable to express concern. I’ll just cut the crusts off my son’s sandwich, have that for my lunch and say no more about it, while MP’s whinge like babies; the porridge with their daily free breakfast isn’t particularly as tasty as that from Waitrose.

I suspect it bugs them I articulate, despite my education being shat on by a Tory regime of yore with school budget cuts causing teacher strikes, as well as taking my milk; I will never forgive milk snatchers; candy from a baby, the baby matured.

It’s this dire antiquated British attitude of tipping your cap to the hierarchy and pushing on with your job which is the sole reason we’re up the creek, this isn’t 1940; these are not the MPs you are looking for. They’ve purposely lost the paddle, lined their pockets from your diligence.

Think for a second the government care about you? Despite the credit I give the members of the group for their intellect, I’m sorry, they’re fooling themselves. The moment they’re unable to put a cross in a box is the moment they wouldn’t piss on you if you were to catch fire. Look closely at the dementia tax; they’ll take everything you worked towards, unless you own a multinational corporation. You. Know. This. You know they lie, they write them on a flipping big red bus for crying out loud. How much more evidence do you need?

Pushing those on the Devizes Debate enough, many confess they don’t truly believe this government is doing things correctly; HELLO? ANYBODY HOME? Still they blindly voted blue, perhaps they didn’t like Jeremy Corbyn’s charity shop suit.

Other parties are available, vote down the middle (sold their votes to the blues last time anyway,) be radical, vote Green. Or simply don’t vote, or vote UKIP, which is the same thing.

It’s not the converted I want to preach to, the usual suspects will “like” this piece; it’s those who blatantly stated this, that’s why I was on the dammed group, send your party your message of dissatisfaction, let them know. Let your local MP know you’re unhappy rather than whinge at people affected by their austerity who are beginning to anger and stress so.

Tory bashing, honestly, have you ever heard of anything quite so pathetic aside Donald Trump’s Twitter Feed?

I woke up this morning, I was living in Devizes; oooh yeah. 2017 was the year our humble dwelling got the blues. S’ okay, I’m not here to discuss parking charges in the Market Place, oooh no mannish boy, don’t dust your broom yet, because I’m-a-talking about da summer’s successful Saddleback Blues Festival at Devizes Rugby Club, remember? Well Elwood, they’re putting the band back together for another year.

There’s no hanging about at the crossroads here, tickets are now on sale for 2018’s Saddleback Blues Festival and it looks to be a stonker. While other acts are still to be confirmed, a Saddleback All-Stars Jam, and a special guest all hush-hush, let’s have a peek at what we do know shall we?

Reckless and raw, Southern Californian rock band Well Hung Heart sound worth the ticket stub alone. Headed by fiery front-girl Greta Valenti, they’re a four-piece and, if I’ve read this right, Robin Davey plays simultaneous guitar and bass. LA’s Deli Magazine praised them thus:  “Packed with youthful arrogance at a blues-laced crossroads between The Kills & early Stooges.”

Deriving from rock n roll, they promise a high-energy performance of new-rock, mashed with blistering blues and punk. They’ve played alongside Linkin Park, ZZ Top, Motley Crue, and Alice Cooper, appearing at London’s O2 Academy, the Paradiso in Amsterdam and oodles of festivals.

Then there’s Innes Sibun, who began playing guitar after hearing B.B King at age twelve. His first band the “Blues Explosion” recorded with legendary Eric Clapton producer Mike Vernon, gaining critical acclaim. By 1993 he joined Robert Plant’s band for his “Fate of Nations” world tour. Following this, Innes recorded several albums for Viceroy Records with his new band; they toured, opening for Peter Green in New York and touring Europe with Roger Chapman & Chris Farlowe.

Yorkshireman John Verity is also confirmed. John’s prolific career begins in the early sixties, with pro-band The Richard Kent Style, who prestigiously supported Jimi Hendrix (yes, I did say Jimi Hendrix) Canned Heat, and Janis Joplin. Spotted by Rod Argent in 73, John became lead vocalist for his band following the departure of Russ Ballard. Still an active artist, with a number of records to his name and busy touring schedule, his experience is sure to bring panache to the festival.

Indigenous Jon Amor, returns to the festival, last year as part of the Boom Band, this year with his own. After developing a reputation as awesome live, they were recently described as, “The Allman Bros meets Little Feat meets The Beatles,” which reflects not only their melodic approach to blues and roots music, but their abilities as songwriters too. After the Booms backed him, Van Morrison described them succinctly when he stated, “this band is great; they’re on the money!”

Prior to all the excitement, Rick and the Saddleback team have arranged two free Battle of the Bands nights in which the winners gain a spot on stage at the festival. Both at Devizes Sports Club, the first on the 17^th Feb, boast local upcoming stars Jamie Hawkins, Tom & Clair, Kirsty Clinch, and my personal fav, Tamsin Quinn.

The second showdown is for bands with members under 21, and it’s on 3^rd March. Both events are FREE, and I’m certain will act as a great taster for the main event. I have to say, the organisers seem to have their mojo working towards bringing Devizes something rather special, which also supports both Julia House and the Wiltshire Air Ambulance.

There may be a few details in need of ironing at this early stage; the organisers are looking into camping possibilities, and arranging a variety of food stands, but priced at £25 for an adult ticket and £13 for the kids, it’ll be well worth bookmarking Saturday 14^th July as a day for doing nothing other than jiving hoochie coochie at the juke-joint rugby club roadhouse out on Highway 361!

Addition: It’s come to my attention there were a few errors in this preview, my apologies; it’s updated now and I hope it fits the bill better. It should also be noted that although the festival last year was titled a blues festival, this year it’s been redefined as a music festival. I’ve opted to keep the theme of this article as it’d spoil the blues jokes!

More details, if you’ve not succumbed yet, at https://www.saddlebackmusicfestival.co.uk/

“Tell them the one about the time you fell asleep while marching Reg,” my Nan would roar with laughter at the mere thought of it. My Grandad, assigned night watch over a tank-storage marched up and down past them, until the point fatigue got the better of him and he dozed while continuing to march. He wandered unwillingly to a similar storage facility which held no tanks. When he awoke he turned around to see the empty hold, he panicked, believing the tanks had been stolen and he was in serious dire straits!

It’s one of many stories told to us kids, the most amusing part was that while my Nan requested the story, as usual, before he completed the first paragraph of the tale in all its finer detail, which was his way, my Nan would interrupt him and blather out the story her way.

After my Nan passed, he’d have a free run of storytelling without interruptions, and if you prompted him he’d tell this one, and many others. Stories I will pass down, but will never be quite the same, coming direct from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. It’s a wonder to imagine if the tales I tell them now will filter down to their children, being of a Great Grandad they vaguely recall themselves.

It’s a concern these, often amusing, but always light-hearted tales of war will be lost in time, that people will forget what these young men done, and all the tribulations of surviving the era on the home front too. Despite the slogan, “least we forget,” time wears these events thinner, as the population able to tell them first-hand sadly do too.

However, check this here photo montage of great images of Remembrance Services and tributes locally happening Sunday, I think it’s wonderful to see how popular it still is.

Thank you all, for allowing me to share them here, Alan Carter of Devizes Heritage, Amanda Attwood (Devizes Issue) Melksham FC, Marlborough Town Council, Southbroom School, Moonraker Bears, Devizes Scooter Club, and Gail Foster the beautiful poem below.

If you’ve some you like me to add to this, let me know!

Lest we Forget

THEY NEVER WENT TO WAR

Gail Foster

They never went to war; they stayed at home

The young, the old, the unwell and the dead

The women who were not allowed to roam

The men who tilled the fields and baked the bread

Those sat in darkness waiting for the rap

Of letterbox, and soft white feather fall

The silence broken by a dripping tap

Dark shadows cast by street lamps on the wall

The little lads who ran behind the train

That took their fathers off to certain death

Who waved until their arms ached in the rain

Who ran until their lungs ran out of breath

Old men who yearned for youth; just one more chance

To feel the blood flow, hear the battle cry

To wear the uniform and take a stance

To stand with other men, to fight and die

The crippled and the mad, the deaf, the blind

Escaped the fate of many thousand men

Some angry that they had been left behind

Some thankful that they’d never fight again

 Women, who with their sleeves rolled ploughed the land

Lit candles, raised the children, hid their tears

Made ammunitions with a careful hand

Kept watch and saved the night time for their fears

So many stayed at home, and stayed alive

And suffered pain and loss, regret and guilt

That they were left, that they were to survive

Within the house such sacrifice had built

Their many names are not inscribed on stone

Those sorrowed souls, so haunted by war’s ghost

Were left to stand and mourn the dead alone

Listening to the trumpet sound the post

*

by Gail

https://gailfromdevizes.com/

Well we made it without skidding on fallen leaves, it’s November and yep, I’m going have to mention the C word. Sorry everyone, I know, don’t want to think about that senseless rush; hoping you’ve enough wrapping-paper, wishing it’d be the relaxing Christmas you’d like it to be as opposed to endlessly shoving AA batteries into toys, trying to keep the cat out of the tree, forgetting to take the pigs in blankets out the oven and racing around the house restricting energetic nipper’s access to the Quality Street tin.

Kids make Christmas, least I’m told, and I’m reminded that I’ll miss it when it’s over. Ever so gradually this sad notion is becoming reality; the kids now roll out of their cribs later than us, rather than bounce enthusiastically on our bed at four-thirty. They’ll amuse themselves with electronic devises, hide in their room listening to atrocious pop (who is Little Mix anyway and what happened to Bananarama?) and complain when I bring out a classic board game only to find the dice missing and the money moulded into papier-mâché since granny spilt her snowball on it while dancing to Slade, three years ago.

If all this does become just a fond memory I’d like to think I’d be prepared. I’d hope to be the grandpa with the crepe paper hat gradually slipping over my face as I orally catch flies on the sofa after a hefty dinner, as harassing grandkids position items around my slumbering frame, you know, empty bottles and beer cans to make it look like I’ve had too many, marbles beneath my slippers awaiting my wee break, and balloons over my face to find them rising with my perpetual snore, a continuous moment of hilarity.

However, there’s always a fear, there’s always a worry that you’ll be alone on Christmas Day, as many are, and let’s face it, no one should be. About four years ago people in this situation met daily in the café at the Shambles in good old Devizes, but it closed on that special day, as do most places of business, and quite rightly so, we all need a break.

Witnessing them expressing their concerns, wondering where they could go, was Jeannette Von Berg, tirelessly collecting funds for the Air Ambulance, as she still does today. Now if you recall a No Surprises Living in Devizes column of yore, we talked of heroes in our town, of those doing great things for the welfare of others, without return.

Jeanette’s name came up on top for her work for the Air Ambulance and many other charities, but we just have to give her another mention here, along with Pam Sloan and her team; of whom Margaret & Chris Stone, Pamela & Bob Hanney, Gladys Cobbert, Michael and Vicki Messam, Ian & Becky Phillis and others have all contributed in past years. They’ll be cooking a whopping Christmas dinner for around about fifty this year, as they do every year since, for people who are alone on Christmas Day.

In a world which seems to be getting perpetually crueller, how absolutely wonderful is this? I’ll tell you shall I? It’s off the scale generous and kind, the sort of thing Christmas should really be about, not Black bleeding Friday riots and driving home tipsy from the office party where you failed you get off with the floosy in HR.

Now you should know me well enough by now to know I can, occasionally when the mood sets, do “nice,” despite this being a rant column. Still I find myself stumbling on my words when I called Jeanette for some more information about this cause, as she humbly explains how the others do most of the cooking and she does the organising, telling me how generous everyone is and how the shops like Sainsburys, Morrisons and Wilkos  kindly give, along with the Lions and Town Council. Healthy Life in the Little Brittox owner, Justina Pettifer, commented on Jeanette’s post on the Devizes Issue Facebook page, offering nut roasts for vegetarians attending, while many others expressed their willingness to help out on the day.

Seems there isn’t a criterion for being eligible to join the dinner, so long as you’re alone, Jeanette expressed it’s not only for the elderly, single parents are among the welcomed for the mass meal at the Baptist Church  on Sheep Street which begins at noon, doesn’t end until four, and includes musical entertainment too.

If you would like to help, or attend the meal then you should contact Jeanette, if you’re having trouble with this, please do not hesitate to message Devizine or Index and I’ll gladly put you in touch.

I’ve still outstanding a visit to Opendoor, the homeless charity of Devizes, hoping to check out the wonderful work they do there and report my findings to you, but it all boils down to the same thing, no, not Brussel sprouts, it boils down to the simple fact that while there’s local people in need, there are wonderful people to help; that, for me, is a convivial motive to reference the C word so early and a spirit in Devizes which makes it special.

http://www.sheepstreet.org.uk/

It’s gone up a quid, but what hasn’t these days? Things that only were a quid have gone up a quid.

Still though, at £7 for a colossal breakfast even I struggle to finish, cooked to perfection, with Water Rose bangers, Sandridge Farm bacon, free tea and toast and all within a clean, friendly, down-to-earth cafe which is happy to swap items you don’t like, Jeffersons still holds the gold belt, (which is near to popping) for the best breakfast in Devizes.

I neglected to check the price of the slightly smaller breakie because, well, to be honest, I believe uttering the words “small” and “breakfast” in the same sentence should be illegal. Still, lightweights, whatever you order at Jeffersons, it’s a spankingly good deal and easy on your purse.

Unless you know different, are willing to take up the gauntlet and invite me to sample your pitch for the title belt (it’s a tough job but someone’s got to do it,) the undefeated title remains on Monday Market Street; pass the ketchup there’s a good fellow.

Jeffersons, Monday Market Street, Devizes. Open 8am – 4pm. Call: 01380 698060 https://www.facebook.com/Jeffersons-938954449531730/

By Zoe McMillan

Quartet – a four piece ensemble, as the name would suggest, written by Ronald Harwood and directed by Tess Richards.

The play draws us unapologetically into the world of four veteran opera singers, all previously known to each both professionally & intimately, who have been brought together once more in a retirement home for aging musicians of calibre & success.

An unashamed – no shameless vehicle for four feisty old troupers whose task is to make us laugh a little, sigh a little & cry a little as they lead us into the bittersweet world of facing up to age & mortality. For an audience plucked largely from a culture & society preoccupied with delaying aging & staying younger for longer, a society in which death is probably the last real taboo, Quartet made for uncomfortable viewing at times as the themes of death and mortality were explored in all their guises. “I used to be somebody once” said Jean…”I think I still am aren’t I?” asked Cissy.

Whether they’re making you laugh, cry or contemplate, the players of Quartet definitely make you feel and that is where its strength lies. It touches a chord; it pulls at your strings & examines your own insecurities about aging & mortality. It’s good art right there, as art is meaningless if it doesn’t make you feel.

Richards makes some clever set design decisions, setting the scene simply & sparsely, alluding to the surroundings of a retirement home with dated furniture that has seen better days (just like it’s inhabitants). This benefits the play two-fold. It keeps scene changes and prop shifting to an unobtrusive minimum and allows the audience to focus on the real stars of the piece, the actors.

It is the four thespians that grab and hold your attention, both together & each in turn with laughs echoing around the theatre from the delivery of the opening line & throughout.

Wilf, played by Martin Turner endears himself to the audience immediately with his cheeky nuances & racy one liners but it’s in his quiet moments of musing and retrospective that he really holds the audience; you could hear a pin drop.

Cissy played by Jax Brady, a long-time supporter of the Wharf theatre also captivated the audience and commanded the stage, even managing to steal your attention from the background with no dialogue. She captures the warmth and innocence of Fussy so convincingly that you feel defensive of her when others are misguiding her or mean to her.

Lewis Cowan as Reggie and Louise Peak as the notorious Jean also deserve mention for the light, shade & depth they bring to their roles and to the play as a whole. In short, it’s impossible to pick out any one character or actor from the four that steals the show; superbly cast by Tess Richards, Quartet is an ensemble in its truest sense as the four protagonists come together to make beautiful music that strikes a chord and resonates on a fundamental level with the audience and leaves you wanting more as the finale leaves you wanting more.

I thoroughly recommend a trip to the Wharf theatre this week if you have an evening free. The show runs from Friday 3rd Nov – Saturday 11th November. Performances start at 19.30. For tickets click here.

HELPGUIDE.ORG Trusted guide to mental & emotional health, check it out here; science proves laughter is the best medicine; fact. Now try this, Google most depressing day of the week; you’ll see the traditional Monday suggested, then others opting for Tuesday, but now, according to psychologists, midweek is the worst; Wednesday.  No one thinks Thursday, but after so many depressing days prior, how can you suddenly liven up, just like that?

Although…….

There’s a lot of giggles to be had some Thursdays in Devizes and I’m telling you, you’re missing out on them. For Thursday can be twiddling your thumbs day, awaiting the weekend to arrive, but there’s the occasional one, like this week just gone, when Dr Martin Brown prescribes a healthy dose to our humble town at the Cellar Bar of the Bear.

Oh yeah, The Moonrakers Comedy Club has just set the agenda for its next evening of hilarity, on 7^th December.  Paul Savage is headlining, he started performing comedy in 2007 and has performed all over Britain, and a 2013 tour of English speaking venues in Norway, Sweden and Denmark.

With over 1700 gigs under his belt, including six runs at the Edinburgh Festival, starting with the Free Tea and Biscuits Show, which set a record for having the most genuinely homeless people in one audience front row, it has to be said this guy knows his way around a joke or three.

Paul is joined by some sharp wit and Irish charm from the opening act, Belfast’s Ryan McDonnell, who is no stranger to laughs in his home town with his observations of everyday life. Sometimes bizarre, often dark he’s building up quite a reputation for himself on the UK comedy circuit.

Johnny Emmet is to be the host MC, a comedian and actor, famously sharing the screen with Nicholas Cage for 17 seconds and currently resident MC at ‘Corkers’ Comedy Club, Byfleet’ ‘Criminal Intent Comedy, West End and runs the bi- weekly ‘Bunking Off @ The Old Schoolyard in Borough.

Tickets are a tenner, here.

For recession-infested Britain, tribute bands have fast become a popular evening for everyday folk. With downloading strangling the music industry, touring and festivals are the bread and butter for pop artists, but unfortunately seeing your idols live comes with a price-tag.

Much to my delight then that I spotted Los Palmas 6, a tribute to my era’s legends, Madness, were to shake up the sleepy village of Market Lavington; I’d have crawled there if needs be.

Tribute acts are plentiful and range through the eras, but can be a gamble. It’s like throwing the selection menu away and dipping your hand into the chocolate box, you’re never sure what you’re going to get. Disappointment can avoided though by checking website reviews, or just attending a place you can trust will book something special; the Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club are about as trustworthy as you’re going to get; Los Palmas 6 sold the heat, with a rock steady beat.

To be fair, the whole two-tone period is akin to tribute bands, when you think about it; the basis for the ska sound predating the era by twenty years in the tenement yards of West Kingston, and the Specials, Madness, et-al were not adverse to covering the original classics of Studio One. Madness even coined its name from the Prince Buster anthem.

But you’re not here for a history of reggae; if you were I’d only chew your ears off, got a bit of an everlasting love affair with the music see, a healthy one though, reggae hasn’t put a restraining order on me yet. Still, it suits me not to trek the world following some aging guys who were once a pop band, when locally there’s such a selection of these tribute acts and many project the raw, early periods of an act, as opposed to a blown-out rocker going through the motions rather than cashing their pension.

Now Madness is one band I’ve shamefully never caught live, though I’ve heard only awesome tales, so while I cannot compare them to the real McCoy, the blisters on my feet and perspiring brow afterwards should indicate I had a blinding time and Los Palmas 6 were everything they set out be, and a lot more.

Saturday’s night air had a nip, a chilling reminder winter is around the corner, but the glowing Community Hall warmed me. Unlike many village halls which resemble a 1970s scout hut, Market Lavington proudly have constructed a mega high-ceilinged ballroom, clean, contemporary and functional by design; I was impressed.

Diehard skinheads and mods surrounded the entrance, always a welcoming sight, and the man on the door informed me how busy it gets, “there’s always something going on here.” The hall had side rooms, with bar and reasonably priced kitchen selling pork baps and gourmet burgers; both bookmarked.

With the great support band finishing, and mates propping the bar up, I manged to sneak a chat with the organiser of the event, the endearingly enthusiastic character of Ted Osborn. Since making the village his home, Ted runs the Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club, bringing the village a colossal variety of performances. Being so cut-off from nearby towns by distance, it can only be a necessity for inhabitants.

Ted was keen about this event, trusting it to attract. Still I observed; it can be no simple feat to fill this hall similar to a Viking Valhalla. Ted confessed it’s not always so easy. As we discussed on No Surprises Sunday, getting punters through the door of a rural event is tricky, but all it needs is the support of Lavington, its surrounding villages and prosperity in the form of townsfolk willing to make the trip. I confirm to you Ted puts on a great show and it’s well worth the effort.

The band looked the part; Saxophonist in his Crombie, the Suggs-a-like donned a trademark blue bowler hat and the sound, well the music was parallel to the original fairground ska of Madness. With members of the band having played in Madness, and some of the original musicians having played with them too, Los Palmas 6 are the closest thing you’ll get to Madness without it actually being Madness, if you see what I mean. I did explain all this in the preview, please try to keep up.

Normally on a monthly basis, The Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club has hosted everything from Rolling Stones and Amy Winehouse tributes to a Take That one or comedy nights with comedians John Moloney, Sean Meo, Dave Thompson and Tim O’Conner. Events finish this year with a three course meal, black tie Winter Ball on 2^nd December, where Simply Swing, who have played on Jools Holland and Strictly Come Dancing, will take the stage, and a New Year’s Eve party with covers band, The Magic Tones, a disco and buffet; what’s not to like?

Without hanging around for spring, it’s the third return of the popular Abba tribute, Swede Dreamz on Saturday February 10^th.  Ted is confident tickets will sell out for this, so check the Website or Facebook to get yours.

The Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club Needs Your Support!

https://www.facebook.com/marketlavingtonmusicandcomedy/

http://www.ml-mcc.weebly.com/

Remember, remember, the, oh when was it again?

The 5^th of November being Sunday this year, and the Devizes Football Club not holding their usual quality do, where, you may ask, can you catch some firework displays?

1: Friday the 3^rd has one at Nursteed Community School for £3 tickets from Devizes Books or Brittox News, or £3.50 on the door. Doors open at 6pm and the show kicks off at 7.

2: Bishops Cannings School also have one organised for Friday, by Distant Thunder, with fire performers too, it’s £2.50 for grownups and kids go free. They promise snacks, BBQ and hot chocolate, and note the Crown is open for business.

3: Saturday the New Inn at Coate have their ever-popular FREE fireworks event with inside and outside bars, the bonfire will be lit at 6:30 and display starts at 7pm. They do have a no obligation charity collection. All monies collected go to two nominated charities.

4: Rowdefield Farm are also having an event on Saturday, described as a mini-firework display, they’ve also a bonfire. With a variety of stalls, Rowde Toddlers Pick & Mix Sweets, live music from Tom Miller, fire poi and hula hoop entertainer De Valentine, glitter makeup by Courtney Ball, Younique, hand knitted gifts and glow sticks, there are refreshments and a pedal tractor course as well as the machinery display, it promises to be quite alternative to the norm. It starts at 6pm and fireworks at 7. Tickets in advance only for this one guys, and it’s a fiver.

‘Cause baby I be a West-Country firewerrrk,
Be comin’ ter shows yer hows I twerk,
Makes ’em go “Oo, arr, oo!” an art,
As I shoots acrass yer sky lioke a gurt lush far-arr-arr-t.

If you know of one we’ve not listed, let us know and we’ll add it before the big night, whenever it is again. At least it’ll stop me from my Katy Perry impressions, which I should’ve saved exclusively for Halloween instead.

These stunning, collectable cards are from the ‘Christmas Cats’ collection by South West artist Elly Shaw and each card is hand made and unique.

Signed by the artist, they can be framed or sent as Christmas cards to your special people. Oil on silk with trimmings. They will be available at the trade price of £2.50 each or 5 for £10 only at the Craft Fair on November 25th at The Cross Keys, Rowde. 12pm onwards.

I like tea, full stop. You pamper to taste; a “milky builder,” others like it as black as the ace of spades, or some like the teabag to stew for exactly one minute, twenty-seven seconds. No, don’t dare add milk before taking out the teabag or they’ll spoon your eyeballs and wear them as earrings; that kinda subtle specification.

Me, I’m impartial; I’ll drink any tea made any way. As long as it is tea and not warmed mud from the farmer’s welly, I’ll drink it; desperate enough I’d even consider the mud.

I’m eclectic in my taste for most things, treat food, books and music just like tea; provided it’s of quality. I don’t worship any particular genre, pigeonhole or dedicate my life to one style. Some do, s’alright, that’s fine, but it’s not my cup of tea, so to speak.

City life can be diverse; you wander a street to find a-la-carte Benin vegan cuisine next door to a Tasmanian tarantula burger stall, you could host a night of minimalist Cambodian folk synth-pop techno and still fill the Albert Hall. But here in deepest darkest Wiltshire, often you have to make do with the conventional; a Chinese takeaway considered exotic.

When someone dedicates themselves to bringing us diversity it deserves our full support, but it comes at a cost; the rural event promoter’s dilemma. Example; country & western music, not really my cup of tea, but what exactly is my cup of tea anyhoo?

Give it, I’ll drink it, ta; where we left off last week, I’m at the doors to the Conservative Club on a Sunday evening, to check out Devizes diversity in action. Hand it to them, the Cons Club offers variety, last Saturday it was skanking to the sounds of Swindon’s two-tone band The Killertones, courtesy of the Scooter Club, and this Saturday it turned all Blues as the Long Street Blues Club bought us Carvin Jones.

Alternative Sundays are the turn of the Devizes CMC; it’s going country & western all the way. There are elements to this genre I do love; the creative plots of songs, and twangy banjos and the whole Americana atmosphere; however there’s a clear label of “Achy Breaky Hearts” and line dancing which, well, puts me off to be Frank.

Sheriff of the CMC, Dean Czerwionka is keen to highlight his efforts to break this stereotype, and brings diversity in the genre to local venues. His Dead Kool Country Promotions operate not only in Devizes, but at the Owl in Bromham and Trowbridge too. He explained to me that while some bands he books are traditional Country styles, he often books ones which are more experimental and assorted in styles.

So, generally American theme occurs in the Club, Dean tipped his Stetson at the bar where we chat, but there’s also something quintessentially English about the event; I order a cider rather than a bourbon, there’s no hog-roast but ham and cheese rolls sold on the bar, and while within the crowd are a sprinkling of those dressed the part, there’s others dressed more conventionally, it’s informal.

There are no cowboys having a farting contest around a campfire, but a fun and friendly atmosphere, which is endearing. Even the performer Trey Jackson, who was booked last minute due to a cancelation, speaks with a Geordie accent.

I felt comfortable and not out of place, a surprise in Devizes; I reckoned I needed to cast my labels aside and enjoy the music and atmosphere, for it was homely and warming; I like it here, you would too.

Dean explained to me that specialist magazines cater towards the American scene and the big names when they visit, rather than focus on home-grown talent. Here then is the dilemma, can he wipe the stereotype and bring people through the door when it’s Sunday in a narrow-minded market town like Devizes?

No easy task, Dean tells me many local C&W clubs have closed, there’s no club like this left in Swindon, and punters willingly travel to visit his Dead Kool nights; this doesn’t surprise me, they’re clearly worth the effort.

We break off our conversation for a moment, while Dean sells raffle tickets. The marvellous thing about these nights is each one is dedicated to raising funds for local schools.

Everything Dean tells me is spritely, an enthusiasm dedicated to his passion for Country and bringing it to the good folk of Wiltshire. On 12^th November, for example, when Peter Donegan, son of the ‘Godfather of British Rock n Roll’ and ‘King of Skiffle’, the late Lonnie Donegan, visits the club.

So we chat about Johnny Cash and Dolly, of the movie Oh Brother Where Art Thou, and my love for the music of Woody Guthrie. We talk about bluegrass and the various styles of country music, which Dean celebrates and books artists who cross those borders and fuse said styles. So there really isn’t anything to dislike about these nights, no matter how much you care for the music.

There’s a good mixture of age here, yeah there’s older folk but there’s girls in short skirts (it’s the little things I notice) and while we chat, people get up and start dancing the night away. Trey has an authentic voice and the whole scene is entertaining. It’s this kind of diversity which keeps Devizes from being so narrow-minded.

Similarly Saturday night when I shipped out to Market Lavington to see Los Palmas 6, the Madness tribute band, these events are endearingly good but it’s often difficult for promoters like Dean and the delightful character of Ted Osborn of the Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club to continue, bands don’t come cheap, bums need to be on seats and in a village or small town it’s no easy task, unless we support them.

So I highly recommend these nights to you, without compromise and pray these decent guys will persevere so we’re never in doubt that #nothingeverhappensindevizes and the surrounding villages, is ironic banter.

So, yeah, Saturday at the Market Lavington Music and Comedy Club was a top, top night, but I’m running out of space here, I’ll write a separate review of the night, and of Ted’s hard work, equal to Dean’s, in hope you’ll take heed and support these guys in their quest.

For Dead Kool Country Promotion’s future dates, check Devizine’s event calendar, or visit their website here, and like their Facebook page here.

Resident or just passing through, The Food Gallery is the premier café in Wiltshire. Standing proud on Marlborough High Street and voted Best Café in Wiltshire this year, its owner, Bob Holman announced there’s a free coffee for the emergency services at his family business, whilst also raising funds for SWIFT Medics, a support charity for the emergency services across Wiltshire and beyond.

Mr Holman, also a Trustee of SWIFT Medics, plans to offer a free coffee to any member of the emergency services; ambulance, fire brigade or police, by asking his customers to make a voluntary donation of £1 every time they buy a coffee at his shop.

In return, The Food Gallery will donate 50 pence to SWIFT Medics, who, although they are a Wiltshire-based charity and entirely funded by the public, are regularly called out by the Emergency Services to assist them and work alongside them saving lives and helping to prevent more serious injury.

Bob, who runs The Food Gallery with his wife Nikki and children Rich and Kat, said: “This is a win-win situation; we are a community coffee shop with valued local customers, so it makes sense to ask them to help us support our vital emergency services, which too often we all take for granted.”

“We think it will give a boost to those unsung heroes in the Emergency Services to know that the public value them enough to donate money for a coffee. We all like to know we are appreciated and it is particularly important for the Emergency Services to realise that. It is a small gesture but we think it is an important one.”

All members of the Emergency Services have to do is show their ID at The Food Gallery for a regular coffee, from 7:00am on 27th October 2017. Although, Devizine points out, they also do a superb brownie!

The volunteers of SWIFT Medics are trained Pre-hospital Emergency Care Doctors who attend road traffic accidents and medical emergencies in Wiltshire and surrounding counties when an incident is so serious that the NHS ambulance team need an appropriately qualified Doctor at the scene.

Approximately once a week, these volunteer Doctors either save a life or prevent a life-changing injury in Wiltshire. SWIFT Medics is a registered charity and are 100% reliant on voluntary donations for our funding.

http://www.swiftmedics.net/

http://www.thefoodgallery.co.uk/

I don’t know with all these “arty types,” I mean, remember the gallery on Vine Street? Well, change one letter and they shift the whole shebang to the White Horse Business Centre on Hopton, but it’s worth a trip down London Road. The new space at number 10 is airy, bright and awash with friendly atmosphere.

The Wine Street Gallery is never without interesting contemporary art, and hosts exhibits regularly. This November it’s the turn of local oil painter Anna Simmons, who creates figures within a sense of space and light in architectural backgrounds. The importance of the figures stressed, adding extra dimension, a kind of “bridge between worlds.”

Former teacher, Anna had always painted, but only received formal training later in life. She studied at St. Martin’s, which shaped the particular direction her work continues on today. She has exhibited in London, Bath and even America, and her work has sold worldwide.

This has to be a great excuse, if you need one, to visit the gallery. Join the private view, from 6-9pm on Friday 17th November, and you’ll aptly get a glass of wine too! And the Recent works by Anna Simmons show continues until Saturday 18^th November.

Normal opening hours are 11am – 4pm, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or by appointment.

Wine St Gallery @ No 10, White Horse Business Centre, Unit 10, Hopton Road, Devizes SN10 2HJ.  facebook.com/winestreetgallery Instagram: dawngalbraith10

Why hello there, I’m back. Did you miss me?

You don’t have to answer that.

A-polo-gees, but due to a family issue I’ve been back and forth from Southend-on-Sea, a place which makes Swindon look like Monte Carlo, with bells on. Hoping we can start back where we left off? Unless, of course, you’ve found a new causerie, a kind of prose rebound, no doubt, a Daily Mail column. I understand really I do, does it do what No Surprises used to do for you, only grammatically; you literate hussy, you.

Southend is quite different from Devizes, maybe it’s the sea air but there’s a “salt of the Earth” spirit in the majority, a kind of cockney-pride of an East-End, retired now to the nostalgic littoral illusion of “South-Enders.”

So, despite the constant race to construct glass façades to ersatz castles, larger than that of their neighbours, allowing their view to pass over pink and white panelled beach huts with star-shaped fairy-lights tacked on, to a murky estuary and its heavyweight industrial dock horizon, there appears to be minimal snobbery there; one significant difference.

The sight of Essex’s arch-nemesis Kent, with burning chimneys and industrial plants, seems to dissuade no one, as they saunter a hectic coastal highway of ramshackle Tropicana and neon amusement arcades, with disregard to seasonal change and gale forces blowing along the Thames, in search of a polystyrene cup of jellied eels or a boggy whippy ice cream.

The entire inlet from London to the south-end is one analogous sprawling suburb of pleasant and generous mediocre folk, unfortunately with a princely sprinkling of avaricious braggers, voluble tattooed hoodies swapping beard-trimming techniques, and hordes of overdressed Billericay girls all called Anastasia, with earrings larger than their boobs, yapping bargain hauls and neighing through whitened teeth at their own jokes; inappropriately, they bulk the laughable Essex stereotype we love to encourage here.

You’d love it, if you pretend you never witnessed the dank arches outbound from Liverpool Street station, where if you gaze past train lights, you can see occupants huddled under filthy duvets and rotting sleeping bags.

I admit, it feels like everything is bloated folly there, a neon phoney philosophy forged into residents, blinding them from the certain doom this government is sailing us into, and it takes an individual from a Tory-infested affluent zone to explain it? Yeah, right on. Still I adhere, snobbery is absent; no one looks down their nose and scoffs, which is a pleasant change.

If this week has taught me one thing, it’s that life is too short to whinge and rant, so I planned a nice column today. Then I returned home and read some local news.

Say what you will, but Southend is functional; they allow a freedom of street art, they’ve frequent and affordable buses, and they get both bins and recycling done weekly, with a far more extensive recycling process. As opposed to our maggot-infested fortnightly collected bins which you’re expected to climb inside to squash last week’s rubbish.

So as the train returns me to the beautiful West Country downs, the first local post I see on Facebook is photos of the aftermath of some prick clearing out for the season of goodwill, and fly-tipping the garbage they couldn’t fit in their overflowing bin, over our idyllic rural landscape.

Ha, it’s like they just shoved the mountain of dead badgers aside and dumped their crap there, as if recycling centres are only in the imagination. How is this lesser a crime than Swindon’s window-licking Noel Gallagher lookie-likie, if not far less amusing? They need to be named and shamed in the local rag.

Honestly, what was going on there with the window licker, or has the Oasis star fallen on hard times? I mean licking windows is one thing, but in Swindon? It’s equally as unhygienic as making candy floss in a rugby club’s stag-do toilet bowl, which no doubt you think happens in Southend? Least they put their rubbish in the bin, cos they’ve the facilities to do so.

So Wiltshire Council jump on the bandwagon, groaning it costs two and a half million quid picking up litter in the county, omitting the opportunity of finding an old five pound note. They’re campaigning for volunteers to tidy up a bit, taking credit for the idea; as if it hasn’t already been in existence in Devizes for many a year. Thank you CUDs, it’s a big society success story that’d make Cameron oink and blush.

This tomfoolery is seriously biting into the Council budget, which needed to raise their councillor’s expense allowances again, just to have a meeting about it; pass the caviar hors d’oeuvres while we discuss it. Parking tariffs in the Market Place simply will not cover it, maybe because the ticket-machines they do have malfunction more than HAL 9000 with a Morris Worm bought from Curry’s.

“Take your litter home,” the council says; I agree, even though my bin is full. I’m not paying £1.70 an hour to sift through your litter, just to get a loaf. Still we feel it imperative to groan about people in other places, like how shallow Essex is, for example.

I withdraw the cliquey rant about Southend; Essex is Constable Country don’t forget it mate. Go sleep in a railway arch you idiot fly-tippers, oh and Councillors who make it awkward to make alternative options practical too. Stick a cold tin of beans and dirty mattress on your expense forms and kip with the dossers; see what some folks endure.

We need a rodeo roundup, a cowboy style lynch mob to march into county hall all guns blazing.

So, before I fled town, I went in search of some able-bodied men; but where could I find some West Country rouges, larger than the Council’s for a showdown at high noon?

Hold on, every other Sunday at the Conservative Club is Devizes Country Music Club. So I busted through the saloon doors, nodded to Sheriff Dean Czerwionka, who tipped his Stetson. I scanned the tavern, are there cowboys here, would it be best to try Kwik-Fit, or is it another of those uncharacteristic surprises in Devizes?

Tune in next episode to find out…. cue the sunset.

I had to walk back to Rowde last time I attended a Moonraker Comedy night at the Bear Hotel’s Cellar Bar, I tried to hitch a lift but had to be honest with myself, no one about to pick me up in the dark with the insane giggling smirk awash my boat race. I was still sniggering at Mark Felgate and supporting comedians into the following week.

Thursday 2^nd November sees another tsunami of laughter with Andrew Doyle headlining the evening. Writer and comedian, Andrew is the co-writer of the spoof news reporter, created by Tom Walker, Jonathan Pie who has become an internet sensation.

Andrew started writing for Pie in December 2015, and has since collaborated with Tom on weekly online videos, and a live tour culminating a sell-out performance at the London Palladium. Their online video responding to the US election result has had in excess of 130 million views.

Andrew recently appeared at the Soho Theatre, London, in his fifth solo stand-up show “Future Tense.” All five of his solo shows have run at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Johann Hari of The Independent had this to say, “One of the funniest, sharpest, cruellest comedians out there. Prepare for all your internal organs to burst with laughter.”

Andrew is supported by award winning comedian Nathan Cassidy who’ll open the show, fresh from The Comedy Store, Bearcat and Mirth, Nathan has performed full-length shows at comedy festivals for several years. And Quick-witted Tim O’Connor, who has “been making people laugh since forever,” but has only recently taken to comedy club stages as it allows people to laugh at him in a more appropriate setting. Recently recruited to present a monthly radio show for Frome FM, Tim is a published comedy writer.

Doors open at 8:00pm, it’s definitely for 18 and over, and its ten notes for a ticket (from The Bear Hotel, Devizes Books, The British Lion, The Vaults, The Southgate Inn, or on-line at “We Got Tickets” and also some availability on the door on night; if you need a giggle, this performance-on-your-doorstep comes highly recommended.

https://www.facebook.com/events/162470411017096/

Probably the youngest and freshest duo on the Devizes music scene, Larkin, retain the classic combination of guitar and keyboards; a modern answer to Simon & Garfunkel, with a slice of Bastille thrown in for good measure. Even the cover of their forthcoming album, Set You Free, has a strong resemblance to that of The Sounds of Silence.

We’re eagerly anticipating this release, which is due in December. I probed Sam Bishop for what we can expect, being I know they’ve been working so hard on this crowdfunded project.

Set You Free will be all original material, generally conceived by Sam and written in collaboration with guitarist Finley Trusler. “The album is called Set You Free,” he explained, “because that was the first song as a duo we wrote together and everything that has transpired because of this!”

Working on tracks for over a year now, Sam described, “The songs are about a variety of things, whether it be ex-girlfriends, events that have happened in my life, how crazy the world is, and even the plot of a film.”

With a totally DIY approach, they’ve played all the instruments on the album; Sam reasoned it’d be “a more personal feel!” There’s also old films sampled in the tunes, “to give more context and a vibrant feel, as I’m a fan of old cinema and it adds more layers to the tracks.”

These young guys are confident of their goals and exceptionally enthusiastic and motivated. “The album means a lot to us,” Sam continued, “it’s always been ‘a dream to release a debut album and thanks to kind donations while busking and gigging, we’ve finally be able to get into the studio and nail tracks.”

Larkin have been working with fantastic producer Martin Spencer at the Badger Set in Potterne, and tell me he, “has been amazing; works tirelessly to get good results. Not only is he local, so we can keep the album linked to Devizes, but he is a good mate of ours and knew he’d give his best.”

I’d like to congratulate the duo, Martin and the team behind this project as it pertains to a bright future for music in Devizes and sets a goalpost for others to attain. If you’d like to witness them in their comfort zone, Larkin are appearing at the Moonrakers in Devizes on the 21^st October, and they’re making Great Cheverall that bit greater, appearing at the Bell, there on 28^th October.

But the big cheese here is their album release gig on a risky December 30^th at an unconfirmed venue in Devizes. “The release gig will be amazing,” Sam explained with enthusiasm, “It’ll be in Devizes, with easy access from the town centre, and depending on how many emails, to let us know they want to come, the venue size will change accordingly. We’ll have a support band, and all our songs will be played as a live band, with saxophone, drums, bass and synth, as well as our keys, vocals and guitar.”

Tickets will be a mere three quid, which entitles you to a half price copy of the CD; I mean, what else are you going to be doing on that date, cabbaged on the sofa stuffing dry turkey sandwiches and watching the Enders Christmas special?

“It’d be great to see so many familiar and new faces turn up to support us!” Sam finished with, “We’ve put so much into the album and would love people to turn up and chat about it.

Let Larkin know you’re up for it, by clicking here!

More info on Larkin

The Errant Stage is a new​ ​mobile​ ​performance​ ​venue​ ​in​ ​a​ ​van, it​ ​offers​ ​affordable
space​ ​for​ ​artists​ ​and​ ​accessible​ ​theatre​ ​for​ ​the​ ​masses; sounds cute eh? Yeah, that’s what I thought too, that’s why I’m here, telling you about it!

The travelling venue, a big red van, is off exploring the West for an affordable
and sustainable future of the performing arts.

 
​”An​ ​initiative​ ​like​ ​this,​ ​which​ ​places​ ​accessibility​ ​and​ ​sustainability​ ​at​ ​its​ ​core,
nurturing​ ​new​ ​talent​ ​and​ ​enabling​ ​artists​ ​to​ ​tour​ ​their​ ​work​ ​successfully,​ ​merits​ ​all​ ​the
support​ ​the​ ​UK​ ​theatre​ ​sector​ ​can​ ​give​ ​it.​” -Simon Hart, Puppet Animation Scotland.

This alternative, professional platform launched at the beginning of August and is
currently​ ​crowdfunding​ to raise enough money to complete the conversion to an
eco-friendly venue and get on the road. The stage has been created to offer artists an
affordable space to perform and create work, whilst allowing new audiences access to a quality of performance they may not have seen before.

The girls at the Errant Stage want to provide affordable​ ​performance​ ​space​ ​for​ ​artists,​ ​and accessible​ ​theatre​ ​for​ ​the​ ​masses​; from puppetry to performance art. What with Arts funding cuts greatly affecting the amount of new performances, the restrictive cost of venue hire and production for emerging companies, it’s a fresh and exciting project.
The alternative off-grid travelling stage has an audience capacity of 20+ inside, creating a
“welcoming and accessible,” “magical” and “wonderfully intimate” performance space.

For larger shows and spectacles the van can swing open it’s doors and serve an unlimited outside audience. The venue offers artists an affordable professional platform to perform their work in front of an audience, whilst enabling that audience to be anyone, anywhere.

 
“Theatre​ ​and​ ​the​ ​arts​ ​is​ ​more​ ​than​ ​just​ ​an​ ​industry;​ ​It​ ​is​ ​a​ ​community.​ ​A
community​ ​that​ ​we​ ​want​ ​to​ ​continue​ ​growing,​ ​to​ ​keep​ ​putting​ ​new​ ​work​ ​in​ ​front​ ​of
new​ ​audiences.​ ​A​ ​community​ ​that​ ​is​ ​fuelled​ ​by​ ​passion​ ​and​ ​belief​ ​that​ ​the​ ​arts​ ​and
performance​ ​are​ ​essential​ ​to​ ​our​ ​human​ ​connections​ ​with​ ​each​ ​other​ ​and​ ​the​ ​world
around​ ​us;​ ​The​ ​Errant​ ​is​ ​our​ ​contribution​ ​to​ ​that,” said Wiltshire’s Kate Powell, and with  Jonna Nummela  from Helsinki, has had this vision for an alternative performance venue since they first met in drama school in 2011.

The pair lived together on a canal boat in London.​ ​Then, when Kate bought the van from Kilter Theatre in January 2017, and The Errant Stage concept began to take physical form, she quickly joined forces. Growing increasingly frustrated with the current restrictive funding climate, Nummela jumped on the chance to make space for artists and their audiences through a more accessible venue.

 
“The​ ​Errant​ ​Stage​ ​is​ ​our​ ​vision​ ​for​ ​the​ ​future​ ​of​ ​the​ ​performing​ ​arts.​ ​It​ ​is​ ​a
future​ ​of​ ​empathy​ ​and​ ​community​ ​instead​ ​of​ ​egoism​ ​and​ ​competitive​ ​industry,” Kate continued.

 
Support for the van is already evident, the team launched their crowdfunding
campaign and has raised​ ​over​ ​40%​ ​from​ ​70+​ ​backers​ ​in​ ​the​ ​first​ ​three​ ​weeks.​ The
Indiegogo campaign is looking to raise funds to enable ongoing maintenance and further conversion of the van into a more accessible​ ​and sustainable​ ​venue​ ​and will continue until the 21st October, 2017.​

Work started on the van back in January with structural repairs and insulation; Now attention turns to the inside of the van and its transformation into a multi-use performance space with high quality technical resources and a new, lighter stage design. They’re also researching sustainable power sources, from solar to wind, aiming to make The Errant Stage a trailblazer of sustainable off-grid venues.

The Errant Stage embarked on it’s maiden voyage when it was invited to the Ventnor
Fringe Festival (www.vfringe.co.uk) on the Isle of Wight in August 2017. Following the
success of this soft launch, the venue continued to travel the UK, hosting performances and scratch events at Puppet Place’s Bristol​ ​Festival​ ​of​ ​Puppetry​ and Skipton International Puppet​ ​Festival​.

With interest and return invites from various puppet and theatre festivals across the
UK in 2018, including new Moving​ ​Parts​ puppet festival in Newcastle and Manipulate
Festival​ ​in Scotland, it’s looking to be a busy and successful first season for The Errant
Stage.

Support the Errant Stage’s Crowdfunding campaign, running from 8th September – 21st October 2017.  https://igg.me/at/errant-stage-fundraiser

Next appearing at:
– Isle of Wight 23rd-28th October 2017, tour collaboration with Ventnor Exchange and
Isle of Wight Museums.

“Hello and welcome to another episode of 999: What’s Your Emergency?” (Cue soothing countryside harmony.) “Today we’re in Wiltshire, where local Bobbie, Hugh Janus cycles into the village to inquire about Mrs Bun’s lost tart.” The creaking of an old bicycle on cobblestone pauses.

“Good afternoon Mrs Bun, I understand you’ve had a tart go missing from your bakery?”

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here PC Janus!”

“Do you think it’s been stolen Mrs Bun?”

“Oh bless, not at all, one of the puppies pinched it. No, it’s just I have these lovely cupcakes left over from the village fete.”

PC Janus smiles at the baker, “Never mind Mrs Bun, officer Dweeb and I’ll guarantee they don’t go to waste.” The baker smiles gratefully.

“Well, that’s the end of this week’s show; next week police in less conservative areas of the country will be tackling drug dealers, thieves and burglars.” (Pan across a sunset scene of downs, with cows grazing and a hummingbird fluttering, to a squad car parked in a layby with two officers admiring the view, while enjoying tea and cupcakes.

There you go Wiltshire Councillors; sounds better doesn’t it? Realism has no place in a reality TV show anyway; drama has never been less enthralling.

Councillors wanting the episode of a police action reality show set in Wiltshire to be akin to an episode of Heartbeat, were shocked to see edited results, and complained it’d have a detrimental effect on investment in the county.

In the same week I drove to Trow-Vegas for a new pair of work boots. Simple job, you park free, pick up a cheap pair of boots, and leave as fast as you came. You can’t do this in Devizes, shoe shops thinner than the soles of 70’s market-bought plimsoll, but I’d rather it not be a parade of hackneyed, chain-store trite, for our peace of mind and abject infrastructure.

The need to park without fee in the county town vital to its consumer attraction, I’m certain the Council will retain the idea. But parking free in Devizes, for tourism, those who need a few items without the hassle of large towns, and others who merely like to browse or saunter our town, will be a thing of the past.

Face it, Trowbridge has no aesthetic value, it’s pure functional I’m afraid, which is sad but why I’m in and out of Dodge faster than you could say “shall we pop in Wilkos?”

Some, it seems, crave for something other than a pleasant tranquil Devizes, arguing on social media we need a McDonalds, and we need a Matalan and a Tesco the size of Wales too. They overlook a larger shopping centre needs a larger town to fund it, which brings larger social issues.

You could drive to Trow-Vegas, Chips-n-ham; spoiled for choice. But we can’t have our cake and eat it; you really want Devizes to be another Trowbridge? I rest my case.

You’d sacrifice the pleasantness of wandering relatively safely through our dwelling, our serene backdrop, and friendly tenet, for the chance to grab a discounted pair of shoes and stop for a Chicken McSandwich? Go on, get off with yer; Trowbridge bus leaves in ten.

Anyway, attracting chain stores to Devizes is about to get trickier, as while the county-town’s rarity of free car parking lingers, our suspicions a fortnight ago, that Wiltshire Council will focus parking tariffs on our Market Place came true. Kaboom, it’s now going to cost a quid per hour, £1:70 for two; more expensive than other similar towns. Who rattled their cage?

It’s a forbidding tax we’ve no choice but to accept, doubtlessly not reducing traffic as people’s needs remain the same; suck it up. Using an environmental excuse, as they did, was a smokescreen. As a town we’ve thrown our political opinions aside and upon a post on the Devizes Debate Facebook page, are in agreeance, it’s farcical, and as Andy Fawthrop summed it, “totally bonkers.”

To rub salt in the wound, the post by Our Wiltshire headlined: “Have your say…” when as we explained in a previous week, the whole consultation was veiled unless you enquired, even then I couldn’t locate the online file I was directed to. Akin to this obscurity, it was absent of a section in which to indeed, “have your say.” The questions, as Rosalind pointed out, were skewered. Even Iain Wallis and I were united in its injustice; I love it when we agree Iain, got my blue tie out and everything mate!

He rightfully pointed out its prohibited to fund other failing services with revenues from parking, and that it will have an effect on local business; of course it will, until such a time we cave under pressure and allow our town to explode with sprawling repetitive housing estates, tawdry commercial hypermarkets, gigantic billboards advertising the latest Nike trainers and, of course, overpriced parking meters.

The Council won’t be able to brush anything under the carpet when the cameras switch on then; hell in a town. Yep, this is the same council who were worried a flimsy TV show, of the variety no one really recollects its setting seconds after it’s over anyway, might have an damaging effect on local business; hypocrisy. Now I’m no economist, but I’d reckon racking up parking fees would be worse.

You ever think while you remain sane, the rest of the world has flipped? A world where it was suggested Dr Suess books were racist when given out in schools in US by Melania Trump, wife of the most bigoted man in the free world.

A world where we believe a tabloid that dogging is depicted in a children’s book, when they simply omitted pages to make it look like it. Where judges spared a criminal from a jail sentence, who unprovoked, stabbed her boyfriend, simply because she has a pretty face and good career opportunities.

Oh whatever Wiltshire Council, charge us a quid to stop in our own town; justice a farce anyway.

 By Zoe McMillan

After 9 days and 969 miles, Jenny Dalton & John Whalley finally made it home to celebrate successfully, completing their Lands End to John O’Groats cycling challenge.

If the intrepid duo were hoping for a quiet and unassuming return to normality though, they were in for certain disappointment as the proud fellow villagers of Seend had very different ideas…well it’s not every day you get to walk amongst local heroes, is it?

They were certainly not expecting their usual Friday night drinks at the village community centre to be ambushed by a host of villagers, all togged up in cycling gear, Lycra and helmets in homage to their impressive achievement, nor were they expecting the celebratory banners, and poo balloons (don’t ask…intensive cycling plays havoc with your bowel movements apparently!) or the vast array of cycling themed delicacies on offer, including of course the cycling pairs particular favourite; the pork pie.

It’s not very often either, John or Jenny were lost for words, but on this occasion even they were taken aback by the level of support from the village and sheer enthusiasm for their tales from the saddle.

To get an exclusive insight into the adventures of SPPCC, yours truly went undercover and masqueraded as a super hero myself, SPPCC’s very own ‘Sustenance girl…bringer of cider and pies to all long-distance cycling enthusiasts’…this allowed me to get up close and personal with John & Jenny and get from John particularly a first-hand account of the trials and tribulations he faced and the lasting affect his adventure will have on him moving forwards. You can read John’s account below.

The staggering and impressive achievement of the Seend duo should not be underestimated. They are two of the 650 that made it across the final finish line in John O’Groats out of over 950 that set off from Lands’ End and together they’ve raised over £5315 for their chosen charities; Vodafone foundation & Macmillan.

The terrible weather conditions they encountered could not dampen their spirits as together they tackled each day as a unique challenge that stood alone…one day at a time, one more push towards the shared end goal. With knees still creaking, shoulders still painful and aching joints still evident it doesn’t seem possible that they would already be searching out their next adventure but they most surely are, and their friends and fellow villagers will most certainly be right behind them once again!!! We’ll let the villagers of Seend have the final word… ” Well done John and Jen. We all knew you would both flipping do it!!!”

In his own words, John Whalley details their Lands End to John O’Groats cycle challenge:

Approximately 900 riders began this event, with around 635 crossing the finish line last Sunday, supported throughout by the very professional organisers, Threshold Sports.

I think the first thing to say is, ‘This was, without doubt, the toughest 9 days of my life!’ Jenny and I had trained very hard, all year for this, with 100mile rides, 4-day back to back tours, rainy rides, hilly rides, but nothing really prepares you for 110 miles, every day, for 9 days, with little sleep in muddy campsites, constantly damp clothing and the most horrendous weather imaginable. It was an emotional rollercoaster of pain and hardship.

That said, the sense of pride and achievement I now feel cannot be put into words. Stressed knee ligaments and cyclists palsy afflicted hands are a small price to pay for the new friends I met along the journey, friendships that I already know will last a lifetime as we supported each other through our own periods of hell, and celebrated our wins together each day.

By its very nature, the event captures you in a bubble that can only involve preparing for cycling all day, cycling all day, and recovering from cycling all day, ready to repeat next day. There is no semblance of real life or normality, and with very sporadic internet coverage and constantly under charged devices, little chance to communicate with the outside world. So, visits from friends and family on the finish lines and pit stops, and messages from loved ones mean everything. We are so grateful for the support we have both received from our families, our friends and our small village of Seend.

In conclusion, this has been an extraordinary journey for me, something I could not have completed without my riding partner and friend Jenny, without the new friends we met along the way, and without the support of our family and friends. But I have also found new qualities in myself, I am stronger and more determined than I realised, I do not give up and I do not let others down when they are in need. I am now looking for a new challenge to see how much more is in me.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/john-optional-whalley

Back in 1980 my brother and I could choose one LP each for Christmas, my first real record aside from Pinky and Perky singles (Google them kiddo, they were the Alvin & The Chipmunks of their day.) My brother thought he was being mature when he opted for the Police’s Zenyatta Mondatta, and my choice was juvenile; Madness – Absolutely.

But from all the ska and two-tone bands of the period, it was the pop, fairground style of Madness which stood the test of time, because our generation could identify with them.

Through synth-pop, electro and hip hop, and soul, not overlooking my eternal love for reggae, my eclectic tastes relished them all along the years, and then the rave scene took me away. It seems now though, I’ve turned full circle and, zipping up my boots, I returned to the roots, the offbeat ska sound; when Madness ruled that Christmas morning.

While 80s mod bands warbled on subjects unrelated to the experiences of a seven-year-old scallywag, Madness sung songs of baggy school trousers and dirty shirts, of pulling hair and eating dirt; we did all that, we walked home squashing snails, and when the teacher came to break up a fight, well you get the picture.

Bands like the Jam I appreciate now, but at the time I didn’t have a clue what they were on about; a clown called Maurice, what’s all that about? And you know their song Eton Rifles? My adolescent mind thought they were singing about eating trifles.

Seems I’m not alone in this affection for the Nutty Boys, the area has gone mad recently. With the MACS theatre school surprisingly opting the Our House Musical for their next production, and now I’ve just picked up on the rumour that the unquestionably best Madness tribute act, Los Palmas 6, is visiting the sleepy village of Market Lavington on October 28th, to show the Music and Comedy Club their nutty acknowledgment.

Not without connections, Los Palmas 6 boast authenticity, citing amidst their seven-piece band, saxophonist for Madness for over eight years, Steve Turner.

Established in 1998, Los Palmas 6’s objective, said Steve “was to offer the most accurate Madness Tribute, and we succeeded.” They proudly awarded themselves the title “best Madness Tribute Band in the World,” and with prestigious booking from the BBC, Virgin Records, Arsenal Football Club, Cardiff Castle, Alexandra Palace, Splash FM, Cobo Bay festival in Guernsey, and not forgetting The Army, SAS, Navy and RAF, nobody’s arguing.

Can you afford to miss this, at twelve quid a ticket? You’d be a nutty boy to wait as gossip is spreading it’ll be a sell-out. Get your ticket from Devizes Books, Market Lavington Post Office or www.ml-mcc.weebly.com

https://www.facebook.com/events/990621147714002/
https://www.madnesstributeband.co.uk/

After my daughter returned from the Macs Theatre School’s performance of Beauty and the Beast, reporting how brilliant it was, I’ve been keen to see what they’d do next. As a long-term fan of Madness, my first album being Absolutely, I was thrilled to learn the next presentation would be the musical inspired by their songs, Our House; this is up the middle of my street and knocking loudly on my door!

Showing at Devizes School on 15th to the 17th February, I’m already building excitement for it. But who is to star in this extravaganza? Well, that’s up to the results of the auditions on Friday, at the school, starting at 6pm. Macs inform us “it’s not too late to sign up!”

 
With over 100 students ranging from 5-19 years old signed up to the theatre school, after only a year since its launch, and the introduction of Mini-Macs for the younger budding actors, things are progressing well and the team thank everyone who has supported the project.

 
Hopefuls will take part in a workshop, but no planning is required. During this workshop, they’ll be taught a routine from the show, and work on a group performance of one of the songs.

 
The auditions continue 2nd October, for those wanting to go for leads. Hopefuls will prepare a solo, performed in character, which showcases their abilities from a choice of songs, ‘It Must Be Love,’ ‘Simply Equation’ or ‘Baggy Trousers, along with a minute improvisation based on the character.

 
But there’s a need for a busy chorus and many smaller roles with lines too. So, if you’ve a budding performer in your family, you’d be hard pressed to find a better local opportunity then this; you’ll need to sign up on Macs website, this only costs forty quid for the whole year, and guarantees them a part in this, and the undecided drama summer performance.

I walked home squashing snails and did indeed pull hair and eat dirt, I’ve still got the dirty shirt and baggy trousers, but fear I’m past it, and should leave it to the kids; still can’t wait to see it Macs!

https://www.macstheatreschool.co.uk/

Children of the Devizes & District Opportunity Centre were treated to a show of Lambrettas and Vespas when the Devizes Scooter Club turned up to donate the funds raised at their Family Fun Day, back in July. Over £700 was handed over to the pre-school for children with disabilities and learning difficulties.

“Thank you for supporting us,” the Opportunity Centre told them, “and showing our little ones the super cool scooters!”

Marland Music Management sure are devoted to bringing us some great local talent, but I was particularly fascinated by a gig at Times Square happening next Friday (22nd,) by the photo of the performer; she looked so young.

 
Akin to moments on Cowell’s over extravagant karaoke show when a younger participant wows the audience with rare talent, upon searching YouTube I was bowled over to learn, at just 13, Swindon’s Lottie Jenkins has a mature, sublime voice, a natural ability to write her own songs and a talent for piano.

Times Square is undoubtedly the place to head Friday; don’t take my word for it, check the video.

 
I caught up with Lottie’s manager-mum (cos that’s what mums are for!) Debbie, who enthusiastically told me about Lottie getting through to the top ten at a Song Academy competition at Westfield in London last year, at just 12, spurring her to enter the Future Music’s Young Songwriter live showcase in Camden. She got through to the grand final and was awarded the monthly opportunity to record her songs at River Studios in Southampton.

Lottie has also been playing festivals this summer, booked at Meadowside in Whiteley, and the Netley Park Festival, among others.

 
She cites Amy Winehouse, Emilie Sande, Earl and One Republic as her influences, so I asked if Lottie would be covering songs, or playing her own written ones.

 
Debbie explained she’ll do a mixture, stressing the importance of engaging the audience with known songs. However, with tunes like the songwriter’s entry “Kiss your Old Life Away,” where the judges commented that they loved the “Elton Vibe,” and Tom Odell praised her “spiritual imagery,” I think Devizes would welcome her to play her own songs, and will be in for a treat on Friday.

LOTTIE JENKINS LIVE AT TIMES SQUARE. 22nd September

Always a hit vrooming along in the carnival parade, the Devizes Scooter Club are gearing up for their biggest show to date. On October 21st Devizes sees the return of Swindon-based The Killertones, who last time, it must be said, rocked the Cons Club with a skanking set of classic ska and two-tone covers.

 
This time though, mod band Easily Led support them, with a grand playlist of Beatles, Stones and Who covers, it’ll be intervallic with DJ Shaun Smitherman’s blend of Motown and soul and set to be a storm. Tickets like hot cakes are on sale at the Conservative Club priced at just a tenner, or contact Adam, the self-proclaimed Colonel of the club via their Facebook page and he’ll personally ensure you’ve tickets delivered; don’t get left out and hope you can get in on the door.

 
The Devizes Scooter Club is a retrospective merger of mod and skinhead cultures, assumes mutual respect for both and is open to all with an interest in either scene, scooter or no scooter. As well as organising ride-outs, they’ve successfully raised staggering funds for The Devizes and District Opportunity Centre via their Family Fun Day at the Cavalier on Eastleigh Road, and received a letter of thanks from MP Claire Perry for their efforts; I’m not sure if she’s a Lambretta or Vespa kind of chick though!

Kids playing football, dressed as footballs could be the hilarious component missing from many a children’s birthday party. Bubble Warz, a Calne based event organisation, who are so cool it’s not worth correcting my spellchecker for, has it covered.

 
What to do with your youngster who’s  above the age for soft play centres but not old enough to be clubbing the night away? Let Bubble Warz drive down in their van, inflate a load of human-sized balls and take your party off for the most bizarre and original activity I’ve seen. It allows you time to stand back and laugh out loud, as the nippers clamber inside the core of the transparent ball, harness up, brace themselves and roll off; it’s a hysterical sight to behold.

For my football-fanatical daughter, it was the ideal choice. The only part of the person outside of the ball is their legs, so they started off with a practice, running, leaping forwards and tucking their legs in so the ball rolls. Then, it was onto a knockout sumo wrestling contest, followed by a football match with side-splitting consequences, and finally, giant foam skittles were bought out and, well, I’ll let you guess the rest.

 
An occasion reminiscent of “It’s A Knockout,” Bubble Warz provided us with an original and highly amusing party, the staff were friendly and great with the kids. You only need to sort a location, a large garden or school field will do, and some food for afterwards, as our group were famished grass-covered gremlins afterwards. Bubble Warz did bring a crate of water bottles and insured the kids stopped for a break.

 
I’d recommend this for children from six to sixty, oh yeah, they have adult-sized balls too, if you’ll pardon the expression. It’s ideal for so-called grownups on a stag or hen night. Not for me though, I’m far too mature, and if you tried to force me inside one, I’d tell my mum.

Check their website for more details: Click here.

 by Sarah Tyler. Photos by Gail Foster

What a wonderful afternoon! Devizes Town Band really enjoyed playing the Children’s Proms and Proms Not in the Park, at the Corn Exchange. As it did rain, it was right to change the venue, though we were sad not to be in Hillworth Park this year.

Thank you to our guest soloist, singer Chloe Jordan and to our compere and narrator for Peter and the Wolf, Mark Jones, from Fantasy Radio UK.

Thank you to Sarah Williams from Hillworth Park, for a great collaboration in providing this event and to Fantasy Radio for broadcasting live from the event. We hope those listening at home enjoyed the concert too.

Finally, thank you to everyone who came, we were thrilled to see so many of you there. You were a wonderful, enthusiastic audience and a joy to play for.

If you go to Morrisons, take a book. No, it’s not Christmas rush at the tills yet. Morrisons’ employee Michelle Hawkings is putting out a request for more books to add to her book sale stand in the supermarket, raising funds for the children’s cancer charity Clic Sargent. They’ve reached over £1,400 to date but more books are needed. Hand in those unwanted novels to the customer service and they’ll do the rest, maybe pick up a new read on your way past too!

There’s appears to be a tank, (sorry Simon and Alan, a Bulldog Armoured Personnel Carrier, without a 120mm calibre barrel and weighing significantly less than a tank,) by Shane’s castle. Has it really broken down, or has, as I suspect, martial law broken out across the vizes?

Wiltshire Reich, I mean Council, acknowledged we’ve had our fun, but now we pay the price.

 
Proficient and informative journalist, Joanne Moore reported artistic director of DOCA, Loz Samuels’ understandable fury at the grand price tag on our entertainment and the tenner parking duty proposal, which they just made up, on the non-fee parking day, to attempt dissolve the disgraceful ethos that some wish to provide entertainment for free, and jeopardise future events in our town. Thanks then, yeah, cheers.

 
There’s a new black rat infiltrating our celebrations, come back Wat Tyler, all is forgiven.
This must be the first, at least since the May Day Fair, a lengthy three months ago, effort to curb festivities in town. Let’s hope it’s the last or what will become of carnival? I ponder a twenty-five-quid ticket price, or two calves and your firstborn son for carnival 2018. Is there a vacancy going for a chippy to board up the windows of unpaid town residents who might cop unrestricted views? Bloody freeloaders.

 
So, I hope you made the most of the carnival this year, it certainly looked good from the freely distributed galleries of our talented photographers Ruth and Gail, who blatantly and thankfully aren’t Wiltshire Councillors, or we’d get a tagging tax.

 
Who me? Sorry, I missed it; spent my carnival staring at an obese couple orally absorbing Wotsits, an eternally wailing baby with hawkeyed mum, and signage which read, “waiting time: 3-4 hours,” at Swindon’s A&E due to a dog bite; must have read my article about keeping mutts on leads.

 
So, to all those who wedged themselves into the crowds only to criticise this year’s event; think yourself lucky.

 
You know if you don’t take your kids to the fair, you might have enough to cash to eat this week; scream if you wanna go faster, giv’ us another fiver if you want to be rotated 3-60 one more time. The closer to peak times the price rises and the fare too. You. Know. This. Why fool for it, or if you did, why moan about it on Facebook? Everyone’s out to get their share.

 
It’s okay thanks, no sympathy, I know you care. Right on the inner thigh it was, the dog bite I mean, close enough to my brain to have had a significant effect, and I got to thinking about our nothing-ever-happens-in-Devizes hashtag and how true this could be if Wilts Council get their way.

 
To see how much really does, or does not happen here, I committed to create Devizine, and in a few days, I’m glad to report, it’s a thing now (hate that saying, but “it’s a thing now,” is a thing now.) Treat Devizine as a what’s-on-guide, a “zine” inspired website offering local news and reviews, wrapped in a whole lot of fun. And no, Mr Teeder, while Tia sounds like a lovely lady, she’s not on the payroll here, yet.

 
I will force everyone to support Dezivine, with or against their will! Please, show it your love, check it out for regular updates, “like” and spread our social media posts, consider our dirt-cheap advertising; listings events are free, but to keep it chugging and improve we NEED advertisers.

 
I want Devizine to be dynamic and communal, unlike the Carer-Support-Wiltshire “what’s on guide,” which claimed a “parent carers drop in group was on,” but sent no support staff. The dazzling Devizes Issue divinity, Amanda Attwood announced, “After contacting Carer Support Wiltshire, I was informed they have cancelled the group, leaving carers high and dry. They say this is due to falling numbers, but it has been obvious to carers, this is due to lack of proper advertising and effort. This means Carer Support Wiltshire has withdrawn yet another much needed service from Devizes.”

 
What other changes threaten our humble town? Latest, we get a say in the future development plans for the Wharf, provided you’re jobless. Yep, Devizes social media elite went to town over this, as local rag announced the first meeting is, “Tuesday 12th from 9am to 4pm at the Wharf Theatre, followed by a second on Thursday from 9am to 3pm in the Market Place and one on September 18th from 5pm to 6.30pm before the Devizes Area Board at the library.”

 
Wiltshire Council again, they seem to have either overlooked the employed or organised this at their convenience, making me apprehensive, the only idea put forward will be an overpriced, private-pension-robbing, gigantic old people’s home, the like Devizes has never seen.

 
We dun’t warnt yer ganderflankin’ changes rand ere shagger; happy as we be, we is.

 
You can get gooey-eyed over Tesco but kiss the dilapidated Assize Courts and likelihood it could be an entertainment hub for the community goodbye. Welcoming visitors at the gateway to Devizes, the landmark eyesore day’s maybe numbered, the Dubai owner uncaring even about museum prospects, and the Council hot on its potential.

 
Get real; although they say, “we want people to drop into these sessions to find out what we’re considering, but to also let us know what they’d like to see happen,” it int gonna be rock n roll (or is it?)

 
Without a suitable meeting time, it’s doomed to failure. Wiltshire Council cabinet member for economic regeneration, Chuck Berry said, “C’est la vie, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell,” but continued later to explain, “I’m aware our temperature’s a’ risin’, and the jukebox appears to be blowin’ a fuse. But I can assure you my heart is beatin’ a rhythm, and my soul keeps singing the blues.”

 
“Roll over Beethoven,” announced the Wiltshire Council cabinet member for economic regeneration, “I have formally informed Tchaikovsky of the news.”

Following the recent hurricanes in the Caribbean and Southern USA, Devizes Rotary will be sending a shelter box in order to help provide much needed shelter and supplies.

They will be putting at least £500 from Devizes Rotary towards these boxes; anyone interested in contributing a donation – however small – towards purchasing further boxes, Iain Wallis states, “If there is enough interest, I am happy to start a collection at Moonraker Bears.”

You can learn more about shelter boxes here: https://www.shelterbox.org/shelter/aid

By Zoe McMillan

Oktoberfest, Seend Community Centre,

Saturday 30th September, 19.30, tickets £10.

Limited tickets available now so don’t delay, buy today from Seend shop/P.O or community centre !!!.

Entshuldigen bitte, mein leiblings; hallo damen und herren… right, now I’ve your attention I want to tell you all about the fun & Bavarian shenanigans that will be taking place in our very own capital of fun; Seend on Saturday 30th September from 19.30 in the village community centre.

STOP PRESS – OktoBEERfest is coming to a village near you!!!! On Saturday 30th September, Seend invite you to join them as they offer to transport you (metaphorically speaking) to a Bavarian fun-fest of games and merry making.

Come along to our OktoBEERfest and enjoy a great night out full of Bavarian music, game playing, German sausages, sauerkraut and ofcourse beer drinking…well we are being guided by a bone fide German on how to run this do you know…(don’t worry though, there will be other beverages on offer if you’re not a beer drinker). There will also be a disco to get ya feet stomping too so where else would you rather be?
Come along and embrace your inner European!!

Are you tough enough to hold your own (There may be a clue here for you )when you take on the competition in the authentic game of masskrügstemman..how well can you hold your beer??? (perhaps another clue here); do you fancy trying your hand at the novelty challenge of kühmelken (milking cows) or even baumstammsägen (tree trunk sawing), or would you rather just get hammered in the Bavarian game of nägelschlagen? There will, of course, be prizes up for grabs to the victors!!

Come along and don’t be shy. Release your inner party animal. Traditional dress will be welcomed but is definitely not essential. Join us for a fabulous night out. We can’t wait to see you all. Tickets are limited now and selling fast so if you would like to come along please snap up your tickets whilst they’re still available.

Tickets are £10 & can be purchased from Seend shop/P.O or Seend Community Centre. Ticket price includes a sausage & salad supper.

https://www.facebook.com/events/1637970046215407/

By Zoe McMillan

I could take the long route round and waffle on about how refreshingly good Tamsin Quin is, but if you’ve roamed the Devizes music scene you’d know this already. Plus, I’ve mentioned her on the No Surprises column enough, so get with it!

 
Supplying us with sublime acoustic, self-written songs, and often bursting into classics in her unique style, Tamsin has fast become one to watch, but now she’s asking for your help to raise funds via the crowd-funder website for an album.

“I’ve been writing and performing for the last five years,” Tamsin pledges, “but over the last year or so, songs have been coming out of my ears! My music has really evolved, grownup and I feel really ready to record my first full-length studio album and present these new songs to you in the best way possible.”

 
Planning five days of recording at Earthworm Amber Recording Studios, with producer Jon Buckett, she aims to record ten to twelve songs and offers some interesting and fun gifts to people who donate, starting from a download of the album for a mere fiver, to private sessions, the chance to “hang-out” together and write some songs, to the more obvious wooden spoon-carving workshop!

 
We’ve mentioned Crowd-funder on No Surprises before, its worked for Richie Triangle with his new album and I’ve covered Larkin’s prospective album project. When I go back to my youth, (not as long ago as you might think, whippersnapper!) manually cutting and pasting zines with scissors and Pritt-Stick, standing in the rain trying to flog them to unsuspecting suckers; I loved every minute of that DIY culture; the sense that you were making something without the restraints of a publishing company leering over you.

 
But it wasn’t without its drawbacks; funding and distribution being generally awful. I’d collect three quid or so from a shop and return to my car to find a parking ticket! I reckon sites like Crowd-funder are a blessing to diversity and DIY culture, as opposed to making a fool of yourself under the beady-eye of Simon Cowell, youth can do their own thing and create avenues for their art. This opens opportunity and, while its no easy path to tread, creates a multiplicity of aptitude.

 
I’ll admit, I’d have gone crazy if we had such a thing back then, I’d be crowdfunding for a photocopier, crowdfunding for a word processor and even crowdfunding for a pint! But young- ‘uns today have got their heads screwed on, obtain a goal and go for it; I like this.
So, please help Tamsin if you can, as she says, “I feel mega-lucky for the support of really loyal followers that have built up over the years and I’d LOVE for you all to be involved in creating this album with me!”

 HELP TAMSIN QUIN: CLICK HERE!

Back yonder, in the early days of scribing articles for Index, I reported my surprise upon wandering in the Black Swan and finding it renovated to the charming place Devizes hipsters know it as today. At the time, I was adamant I wasn’t there for antique shopping, stating “I’m not David Dickenson; I’ve come here for atmosphere, a pint and some live music, the quality of all above my expectations. To suit the off-beat character transforming the place a young Irish singer stands at the windowed alcove grasping his guitar with passion.”

 
That singer was, of course, Richie Triangle, and he bought a sense of cheerfulness with spritely enthusiasm, good humour and talented performances. Alas his campervan out back of the pub is no longer, Richie has been travelling, but we’ll still recall him busking in the Brittox and just his short stay in our town, he gained a local following.

 
Well it seemed we’ve good taste in Devizes, as Richie found success on his adventures and has hooked up with Adrian Sherwood’s ground-breaking On-U-Sound studio, to record “Made from Broken Pieces,” an album of original material, all written by him.
In his own words, Richie is, “describing and sympathising with all our situations. How despite being broken, beaten and battered, we’re still here, alive and strong, and have many crazy tales to tell.” The concept stemming from a rock climbing accident Richie suffered while travelling India.

 
Paralysed from the waist down, it was a struggle to make it back to the UK. “After much determination and most of 2015 in a wheelchair,” Richie explains, “I managed to rehabilitate enough to be able to stand, and in time, walk. I couldn’t sit around, and I absolutely had to get back in the music.”

 
Good news is Richie is back in town, playing the Crown on Saturday, thanks to the magnificent Marland Music. This will make the ideal after-carnival party and hopefully, he’ll have copies of this acoustic magnum opus, with hauntingly sublime backing sounds, akin to a modern James Taylor or Neil Young. Or, you can download it for a tenner here: https://www.richietriangle.com/ bargain.

Other after-carnival parties are available; Stuart Beck performs at Times Square, Mike Barham belts out classics at the Moonrakers, DJ Ramon’s getting funky at the Southgate (with BBQ.) What am I, some kind of human event calendar now? Bloody cheek, might start singing in the Market Square myself.

 
Fear not, that will not happen, not with Black Rat Monday out of the way.

 
While on the musical subject, I was lucky enough to be treated to an exclusive preview of the newly formed “Full Tone Orchestra,” at a rehearsal for their performance of Iconic Themes on 16th September at the Corn Exchange. After just three rehearsals I can confirm they sound totally awesome and this should be a spectacular night as they accomplish numerous film scores.

Invited by the ever-busy Jemma Brown, who is promoting the event with husband Anthony, the conductor. I arrived fashionably late to which Jemma whispered I’d missed, “Game of Thrones.” Fussed about this I was not, for it’s not something I’ve followed, rather I favour I arrived just on time as they moved onto the Star Wars theme with boundless energy, and this is much more up my street.

 
Having to close my eyes and allow the music to envelope me, rather than let my eyes wander over the school hall or the musicians attempting to concentrate, I could almost imagine Darth Vader striding up the corridor like the headmaster from a netherworld.
An attempt to bring the uplifting sounds of an orchestra to the Devizes masses, I’ve seen first-hand the hard work and dedication the Full Tone Orchestra are putting into this performance, I heard them still going for it hours later when the wind blew in the right direction and I was taking the recycling bins out!

 
All this and the anticipation of awesome Swindon based two-tone ska band, The Killer-Tones returning to our Con Club on 21st October, with Easily Led supporting, courtesy of The Devizes Scooter Club, you can’t say for a town this size, #nothingeverhappensindevizes hashtag or no hashtag.