Courage (Leave it Behind) New Single from Talk in Code

As predicted, the void where live music reviews used to sit will be filled with an abundance of releases from our local music circuit. I’ve a backlog building at Devizine Tower; here’s the first this week, from Swindon’s indie-pop four-piece Talk in Code, and much as we’ve enjoyed watching streams of Chris in his car, yeah, this is more like it, cool.

Some pensive prose swathed in the upbeat eighties-fashioned synth-pop we know Talk in Code have mastered. Courage (Leave it Behind) offers a “wake-up call,” as the press release defines, yet does so with all the hallmarks of another catchy anthem. This lockdown-themed leitmotif hails what you’re probably questioning yourself, “it’s that feeling of realising something is not right and has to be changed. But, knowing what needs to happen and taking action are two very different things…”

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The world will undoubtedly be the different after this pandemic, the unity binding us could potentially tear us apart; did Joy Division predict this?! If not, there’s a ghost, least an inspiration from those early eighties new romantics fused into this contemporary tune, and again, just like the previous singles, while Talk in Code songs sound as if they’d slot into the background of a John Hughes coming-of-age movie, listen again, they also ring modernism in both production and subject.

From its inaugural piano, through its beguiling beat to this cliff-hanging finale which leaves the question open to interpretation, this is an uplifting song; I expected no less though. “Finding the strength to make a change and every bit relevant to these challenging times,” as the blurb continues, is surely up to us, pop doesn’t preach as it once did, rather stages the dilemma for you to solve, and that, in a way makes it that bit up-to-date, rather than a retrospective eighties tribute.

For that reason, Talk in Code are pushing boundaries rather than dwelling, and the reason which found them on BBC Introducing In The West, on The OFI Monday Show, The Premium Blend Radio Show, Swindon 105.5 and Frome FM. It is the reason why the Ocelot, Dave Franklyn of Dancing About Architecture, The Big Takeover, and oh yeah, us, are singing their praises.

Providing optimism as a theme to this single is a biting reality, and Talk In Code still hope to play some of the fifteen festivals that were booked into this year, including M for, Daxtonbury, Concert at the Kings and Newbury Beer Festival along with a showcase for Fierce Panda/Club Fandango, to be rescheduled for later in 2020; hygienically rinsed fingers crossed, and toes.

COURAGE (Leave It Behind) will be released tomorrow, 30th April, on digital download at www.talkincode.co.uk and on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon Music and all digital platforms.


© 2017-2020 Devizine (Darren Worrow)
Please seek permission from the Devizine site and any individual author, artist or photographer before using any content on this website. Unauthorised usage of any images or text is forbidden.

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The New Local Blues

Had a nice chat with Sheer Music’s Kieran about acts, live streaming, future plans, and gardening this week… what am I on about? It’s always nice to chat with Mr Moore….

If the beginnings of Devizine was a learning curve in which I realised I’d bitten off more than I could chew, one might be mistaken to think now we must’ve covered every musical talent in Devizes, if not Wiltshire. Not so, as a post from Kieran J Moore of Sheer Music incited me to shudder. Why have I not heard the name Joe Edwards before?

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Joe Edwards

Name does ring a bell, must have posted about the cancelled album launch at the Wharf which would’ve happened this week. Well-travelled, Joe has been touring through Europe as a drummer for Australian band The Wishing Well, plus his debut solo album Keep on Running was mixed in Nashville and mastered in New Jersey with Grammy nominee Kim Rosen; might explain it, and if I have encountered the name I had no idea how renowned and awesome he is.

Hoisted in the help of Kieran for this then, to insure I’m bought up to date; there is a new cool in Devizes, and I’m going to prompt him about it. The initial message on any chat window these days is enquiring of wellbeing, understandably. Mr Moore is positively beaming, “[I’m] getting so much done and achieved,” he explained.

I replied with a question, “Like the gardening?!”

A boundless list of household chores followed which included, “how to programme moving head lights, learned how to live stream, learned how to record and edit videos.” Bless, that’s our Kieran, dedicated to fetching us the best live music and promoting local artists, no matter what the era brings us; you have to tip your hat to the man. Seeking permissions to release sets Sheer recorded from 2012-14 and bootleg them onto Bandcamp being the latest venture.

What of the live stream though? My Virtual Festival started with good intentions, but there’s been so much of it it’s hard to keep up, some may not be appreciative my sharing of their stream; it’s a close call. In these frustrating times, I asked Mr M if he felt “people are going to get bored with the live stream.” I often feel it doesn’t make up for the real thing and enforces my sadness that we’re missing out on live music. Yeah, I know, right; then I apologised for my despondent attitude.

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It’s a close call because artists earning from a live stream is problematic. Some have found methods of a pay-per-view stream, but many rely on a PayPal donation option. While I sympathise with the artists, also I ponder if charging for a live stream is justified when Wi-Fi can drop out, be overloaded, etc. “So,” Kieran added, “live streams have become a necessary evil, in the sense that everyone is doing them, and it’s really difficult to earn from them. Let’s be clear, live streams will never replace the real thing. No need to go into detail, we all know why, it just won’t.”

He believes they have a place in the future, though, after lockdown has ended. “You’d be a dolt not to recognise it! Whilst it may be difficult and lacking for most of us, these streams have enabled many people who wouldn’t usually be present, be it social anxiety, disability, or a myriad of other reasons, be able to take part and fell part of something.”

I gave mention to a stream-festival by Swindon Shuffle, it doesn’t have to be geographically grounded, organisers said people attended as far away as Mexico, and this increases the fandom of the performers to international levels.

In these few short weeks, we’ve seen musicians getting more creative with the concept, nice to see Benji & Hibbs sitting around a fire rather than indoors,Jon Amor climbed onto his roof last night, and Phil Cooper is getting tech with green screens for a Lost Trades stream on 1st May. “A lot of people have invested in the technology,” Kieran expressed, “so why would it stop after? It’s just daft, of course it won’t. Also, the reality is that venues won’t be back and open before 2021. The possibilities are currently being peddled by MVT,” He continued, “and it’s being taken seriously.”

I felt the need to apologise for my grumpiness, it had been a long day at the diary. I would, however, like to see artists getting some releases out rather than live stream, but accept that’s not easy either, for a band, with social distancing. Talking blues though, surely some the most poignant music, particularly blues, comes from feelings of isolation, depression and disappointment; from teenage anguish or working on the chain gang! The lockdown should deliver some interesting content.

“Be prepared for an avalanche of Coronavirus and lockdown blues songs,” Kieran suggested, and yep, seen a few emerging myself and played the “Corona Blues” by The Ragamuffin All-stars on my radio show last week.

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Little Geneva

Talking local blues, though, on top of Joe Edwards, who after a listen to I’m liking to a raw George Harrison or Clapton, what else has Kieran got for me? “Jon Amor likens Joe to JJ Cale, which is nice,” he compliments. “Then we have Little Geneva, who actually do covers, but they’re so obscure, people don’t know them. I actually like that slant.” Ticked that box some time ago, Little Geneva playing the Cellar Bar was knockout, and I’ve nothing but praise for their authentic blues sound.

This said, Little Geneva have since recruited female singer Mariam Maz to add to their already talented gang, and this I have to witness.

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Will Blake

“Then we have Will Blake in Bromham, a honky-tonk 12-bar type of guy,” but I’ve recently bookmarked Will too, sharing this soul cover multi-instrumentalist’s Isolation Sessions, which see him on piano in the middle of a Bromham field giving us a marvellous rendition of Man in the Mirror et all.

And finally, Kieran aims one I don’t know at me, a “swampy and dirty” contemporary Trowbridge four-piece, Sober Son. This is hard-hitting rock and one to watch. Looking to the future, where I predict an aching aftermath for concerts and gigs, many might frivolously suggest we have the party of parties, but Kieran is a doer. Can I spill the beans on his “overall idea?” “Say it’s currently Sheer’s intention to host an event!” he informs, yeah, will do.

Hosting a “Devizes Music Festival” is said idea, when the lock down is over, and to do a multi-stage bill, across the whole venue. Kieran’s dream team would consist of Jon Amor, Sober Son, Little Geneva, Joe Edwards, Will Blake and The Lost Trades, “etc.” I’m saying no more, not to get over-excited too soon, we’ve a long way to go with the lockdown; I could be a pensioner by then and only wishing to listen to Pat Boone!

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Ah bugger, back to the now; do like the Sheer Music Facebook page, currently dedicated to bringing you the best local live streams, “the necessary evil.” But most importantly is the notion I’ve said before and will no doubt say again, unless you want to pop the bubbles of musician’s aspirations and see them pushing supermarket trollies, it’s vital you check out local artists and buy their music, be it from Bandcamp, streaming sites, their sites or send Vinyl Realm a message, as they stock a selection of local music too.


© 2017-2020 Devizine (Darren Worrow)
Please seek permission from the Devizine site and any individual author, artist or photographer before using any content on this website. Unauthorised usage of any images or text is forbidden.

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Rural Wiltshire’s Sensational Soul Food with Sujay’s Jerk Pan Kitchen

When you live in a market town such as Devizes it’s inevitable when driving through any city to become overwhelmed and perhaps a smidgen envious at the variety of cuisine on offer; look, Nepalese dal-bhat-tarkari street food, outside a lacto-vegetarian Mongolian bistro, next door to a vegan Venezuelan arepas snack bar! You name it, a metropolitan milieu will probably have it. Here, while it’s hailed as some of the best; Italian, Chinese and Indian are about our limitations, unless you chance a kebab.

So nice then, that Sujay’s Jerk Pan Kitchen has gifted us an addition, if variety is the spice of life, it’s high time we had a taste of the Caribbean. Sporadically shacked up in the Shambles prior to the lockdown, Pauline and the team has never been busier since introducing a drop box delivery service; perhaps she doesn’t need me to hype it up as word travels fast; this is an authentically tasty treat.

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Through my love of reggae, I’m rivetted by all things Caribbean, the easy-going culture, the colours and sweetness of those exotic islands in the sun, the sounds, linguistics, the art, and of course the food. And that’s before I even went there! The only member of my family lucky enough to have taken the once-in-a-lifetime trip, I wondered if Sujay could return my taste-buds to the West Indies in the same way as a jouvert jam would for my ears, but I was unsure if the family would take to the idea. Surprised then I was when the better-half suggested we ordered, arm twisted, and before I could recite a verse of Three Little Birds our drop box was ordered for Saturday afternoon.

Caribbean food is not customarily a Michelin star a-la-carte affair, rather the traditional roots rest in amazing street food and home cooking, therefore styles and recipes can vary, and this is precisely what you get. You should note I’m no Jay Rayner, I’ll hoof the loot without coming up for air, and if it’s tasty I’m going to tell you, and if it’s not I believe honest criticism is virtuous; it’s all unpretentious evaluation rather than vernacular condemnation. This though, arrived at our door on time with a smile, and was everything it’s been rated as being.

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So good I didn’t contemplate taking a photo for use here, sorry, but I simply didn’t have the will power to resist getting stuck straight in!

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Me, I went for the goat curry as I’ve never tried it. Sticking to custom it is as it should be, a quite humble green paste curry, spices, with chunks of goat. But served with traditional rice and peas (peas being a black bean rather than European green peas) the simpler formula is often the preferred and I loved every bite, as did the wife. I added a side dish of plantains, imagine a fried banana that thinks it’s a potato and you’re somewhere near the mark.

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For the daughter, and of course with portions so generous some of it naturally found its way onto my plate, the classic jerk chicken with a side of chicken wings, and another colossal portion of rice and peas. Perhaps no other dish so popular varies from handed down home recipe as much as this one in Caribbean food, but I’ve tasted a variety. If Levi Roots has marketed a certain blistering style and tailored his own methods, Sujay’s is closer to what I’ve tried in Barbados. Much more subtle with the hotness, but nice on the spice. I also reserve at Caribbean street chicken disguising cheap meat with a high dosage of hot paste but this is not the case here, the untainted wings would’ve revealed, but these too were exceptionally scrumptious and clear that the quality of the ingredients were not skipped on.

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If Sujay’s Jerk Pan Kitchen doesn’t deserve enough kudos with you for providing fifty meals earlier this week for the NHS staff with the organisation of Tailor-Made Events, or serving brown stew chicken and stew pork with rice and peas to the homeless and vulnerable on the streets of Swindon this evening, maybe its time you sampled some of their sensational soul food yourself?

Tams off to Sujay’s then, the perfect meal with a difference for our rurally repressed palate. Irie, as they say in the JA, gurt lush as we might say here! I’m not ganderflanking yer mucker, this is the soul food of Wiltshire and will whisk your taste buds to a tropical paradise faster than Beenie Man can wax lyrical a monostich; pass the rum punch!

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© 2017-2020 Devizine (Darren Worrow)
Please seek permission from the Devizine site and any individual author, artist or photographer before using any content on this website. Unauthorised usage of any images or text is forbidden.

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Go Operation Teddy Bear!

If I’ve been rather quiet on Devizine recently I apologise. I’ve been enjoying some family time while the kids are home, and mores to the point, bestowed one of these “keyworker” badges, the real job has never been busier. Yet despite the lack of usual content regarding events and gigs, there’s still subjects to write about, perhaps none so much as the way the community has bonded during these trying times.

To watch those Americans causing havoc, protesting in the streets and then ironically catching Covid19 themselves is miles apart from how we’re reacting. There are so many to thank, from the key workers and NHS staff, to the masses who have flocked to volunteer for their local Covid19 support groups, such as Devizes Covid19 Support, and even to the simpler kind offerings, such as the wonderful Sujay’s Jerk Pan Kitchen who, with Sally of Tailor Made Events, supplied fifty meals for NHS staff this week.

There are groups and charities springing up everywhere, and people providing spontaneous acts of kindness, we have to tip our hats to them. One I’d like to draw your attention to in particular, is the locally setup Operation Teddy Bear by Helen Bray, a team of volunteers and even a jogging Spiderman!

The operation is a specialist donator system, contacting intensive care units across the county. The hospitals send them requests for food, drinks and toiletries, which are donated at various non-physical points, collected and distributed direct to both the wards and staff. Helen explains, “most of the volunteers are care workers, nurses, ex-medical or NHS staff. We’re specialist donators supporting intensive care nurses, other nurses, doctors, NHS staff, care-workers, health professionals, and other special people who support others in hardship and need.”

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“The constructive donation list is designed by the very people that need the donation,” Helen continues, “which means minimum surplus, and any surplus can benefit the elderly, homeless, or a family who has no income. Donations which are given freely by the public is sending a powerful message to the very people who might save our lives, whilst risking their own.”

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Helen maintains her volunteers are family in our chat, I confess, I’m unsure if they’re direct family, or in her motivation for this great cause, she refers to them as such. “My family of volunteers want no praise,” she told us, “just to shine a light into endless cave of people suffering from Coronavirus, which I hope and pray, as many people as possible do, with our support, donations, and acts of kindness with all the donation, anyone wishes to give. As a little boy who came to donate a big carrier bag full of stuff said; I just want to help mend people.”

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Donation points are nonphysical contact donation boxes at Devizes Town Hall, Brickley Lane near the playpark with billboard outside, Fruitfields, Lavington, a new one at Urchfont, and ones in Pewsey, Burbage and Calne. Swindon also has two donation points.

“Operation Teddy Bear donates to Swindon Great Western, Salisbury District Hospital, Bath RUH, Bristol Southmead, Southampton and Bournemouth intensive care units,” Helen says, “St Johns Livingston in Scotland, any SOS from any London hospitals for PPE and links with many more support networks, especially for the elderly in the community, and the homeless if we receive specific lists for donations that are most use for them.”

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I’m impressed with the scale of this operation in the short time it has had to form, and thoroughly wish Helen and the team all our thanks and best wishes for their hard work. The news is spreading over social media, but I fail to see any online information websites in which to direct you to. However, if you would like to donate or volunteer, after all, even Spiderman is, feel free to contact us and we’ll put you in touch. This article wasn’t really intended to ask for donations or help primarily though, as the scheme has already gathered pace and support, it is mostly here to thank all in involved at such passion and dedication to this cause.

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DOCA Announce Next Year’s Carnival & Street Festival Dates

If, like most, you need something to look forward to, The Devizes Outdoor Celebratory Arts, or DOCA as we love to know them as, having made some hard decisions, have come up with a new list of dates for their usual events; here’s to 2021! So, we are looking at an early date in the month of May, which coincidently rhymes with “hooray,” sort of, or at least enough to shout it!

Street Festival – Sunday 2nd May 2021 – 16:00 – 22:00

Last time I had the opportunity to chat with director Loz, she mentioned the plan this year was to move Sunday’s Street Festival from the Green to the Market Place, in case of bad weather and in hope to attract more. I am unsure if this will be carried out, but I’m certain it’s a bonza idea.

Street Festival -Monday 3rd May 2021 – 11:30 – 18:30

Best Monday, like ever. Dubbed by many, especially The British Lion as Black Rat Monday, it’s our most favoured annual date in Devizes and mere announcement of it leaves me tingling with excitement. Here’s hoping Vinyl Realm will continue as they planned this year, to hold a second stage of local music, and I’ve heard on the grapevine we might get even more than this. That’s all I can tell, anymore and I will be shot!

Colour Rush – Saturday 8th of May 2021 18:00 19:00
Confetti Battle – Saturday 8th of May 2021- 19:30 – 21:30

Again, we see these moved to a Saturday for practicality and the ease of attendance. There’s hope from DOCA that the bizarre custom of Confetti Battle will attract people from afar and place Devizes on the map of bizarre rituals and festivals, as it deserves to be, but would never happen on a weeknight.

Carnival Camp Saturday 3rd July

Location of the camp and times are to be confirmed.

Picnic in the Park – Sunday 4th July 2021 – times 12:00 – 17:00

Usually the event to kick off the festival fortnight, Hillworth Park will again be filled with activities, fun and music, just towards the end of the festivities this time.

Carnival – Saturday 10th July 2021- 17:30

So, the grand day itself, we are unsure if they will carry over what would have been this year’s theme, ‘Go Wild,’ but here’s hoping they will as it’s a cracker!
That’s all folks, I’m dusting off my festival jester’s hat in preparation, but Christmas first, OMG, I said it! Keep up to date with DOCA’s events on their website, here.


© 2017-2020 Devizine (Darren Worrow)
Please seek permission from the Devizine site and any individual author, artist or photographer before using any content on this website. Unauthorised usage of any images or text is forbidden.

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Sam Bishop is One of A Kind

With all the hallmarks of Sam’s current releases,One of a Kind slips perfectly into the direction he’s heading; it’s smooth, echoes of slight melancholy but uplifts just enough to wet the taste buds. Proving Sam Bishop is one of a kind, carving a distinctive style with every new track.

But this one has one significant difference, all profits from it are going straight to Trussell Trust. Sam explains “a truly amazing charity that works to provide emergency food and help for those in need.”

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There’s also a topical theme, reflecting the mood of the lockdown for young lovers, “this song is about missing loved ones whilst apart,” he continues, “and feels extremely poignant right now.”

He added how “terrified” he is as it’s the first track he’s produced solely, but it doesn’t fail to impress. It also gives much anticipation for a better day when his newly formed band while at college in Winchester, Midnight Running will re-join and I hope he can bring them back to his hometown for a gig. Until then, check out the single we campaigned to get crowd-funded a month back, as every penny goes to a great cause.


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Wiltshire Girl Goes LIVE for Muscular Dystrophy

It was a sunny afternoon when we arranged a photoshoot for our Spider-milk-man fundraiser last spring, so the playpark outside my house was an ideal location. Carmela played on the climbing frame while I got to know her mum, Lucy. It was sadly evident then how restricted her muscular dystrophy limited her ability to do what so many other children love to do, run and jump and play.

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The lovable part to this six-year-old is her optimism and endearing personality, but the inspirational is her zest for life and determination to overcome. For Carmela’s family life is a constant fundraising campaign and together they strive to find new ways to promote it. If Muscular Dystrophy UK, like many other charities is feeling the effects of Covid-19, for the family personally it hasn’t been easy either. In a heart-melting film for Points West last month, we saw Carmela’s Dad Darren unable to see his daughter as he’s a key worker and communicating with sign-language with her through the garden’s patio doors.

Alongside the many fundraisers for ‘Carmela’s Stand Up To Muscular Dystrophy,’ and for MDUK in general, Darren was due to run the London Marathon on the 26th April for MDUK, but this event has now been rescheduled for October. MDUK needs our help now though, for those with a progressive muscle wasting disease, at high-risk from the pandemic and the usual systems for coping vastly restricted.

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Save the UK’s Charities General fundraising has been hit very hard by COVID-19. Thousands of fundraising events have been cancelled and many charities, particularly smaller ones, are struggling to maintain services because of this huge reduction of income. This impacts all sectors of society from children to the elderly as well as the vital work in areas such as palliative care, serious diseases, mental health, housing support, food supplies and countless others that charities support.

Step in our six-year-old heroine, to replace the 26.2 miles of a Marathon, Carmela is going to attempt to do 26 laps of her therapy assault course LIVE via her Facebook page on 26th April at 2pm. Carmela would normally only do two to three laps. “This is going to be a very tough challenge,” Carmela’s mum Lucy explains, “we may have to take out certain high equipment during the challenge as she is not meant to over exert her exercises as damaging her muscles is permanent and won’t repair.”

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We wish her all the best and support for this enduring challenge, she will be going LIVE on her Facebook page ‘Carmela’s Stand Up To Muscular Dystrophy’ on 26th April at 2.06pm. You can also donate to MDUK. Text MDUK3 to 70660 and donate £5. Or directly to this link: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/my-2-6-challenge-d92bda3f-a95b-4a87-a64d-6dcb4b39491d

Go Carmela!


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After the Lock Down

Clair Figes ponders celebrations after the lock down….

In France, around the midsummer Solstice, every town throws itself open to La Fete de la Musique. Throughout the country, bars and restaurants and village squares fill the pavements with tables, chairs, hay bales, trailers; and they book local musicians or bring amps & speakers out into the street and a night of music, dancing and general merriment ensues.
Most of us will eventually emerge from the current viral crisis. We’ll come stumbling back to normality, grateful to be released into the wild – but very aware that life has to go on and very, very many businesses will need to be restored in order to make that possible. That will probably include our own businesses – or those which employ us – or employ or care for our loved-ones.
There will also be an army of heroes who we want to thank: all NHS and care-home workers and all the people who’ve kept shops open, kept postal deliveries and bin collections going, kept our kids sane on-line, kept the surgeries & pharmacies going – the list goes on and on.

Can we combine all these needs?

When the lockdown ends, could we just crack open all the local hostelries and get musicians into all of them and onto the pavements outside and rope in all the street-food vendors still operating and just Play & Eat & Drink & Dance, putting money into the tills of all our pubs and cafes and the pockets of every food-stall and the hats of every busker and street entertainer?
In an ideal world it would just happen spontaneously, like it did on VE-day after WW2. But we may have a staggered release: some areas before others, the least vulnerable before the most vulnerable, etc… Also, the kitchens need to be stocked, the staff need to be recalled, the pumps need to be primed and the musicians need to be on hand, so a little advance planning would help.
And, crucially, if it happens on just one night, the wonderful key workers can’t all join in – because our hospitals and care-homes will still need to be staffed even through the celebrations. So we’ll need at least 2 days of celebration. I suggest that we ask the pubs, cafés, musicians, street performers, local Councils, etc. to be ready to take part in some way on the evening of the Summer Solstice: Saturday 20 June and again on Friday 26 June. And to organise some simple sort of voucher system so that wonderful people like NHS staff can get freebies all night.
If we’re still in lockdown a week before this celebration – just roll it all forward a week, then another …. And if we’re all released early, fine, we can have an earlier party as well. The more we celebrate, the faster we can get the small businesses back up and running. So tune your instruments and get your bunting out and aim for national street parties on 20 and 26 June.


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Cosmic Rays are Hard to Destroy

Introducing Shrewsbury’s five-piece rock band, Cosmic Rays. With a new album proving they’re Hard to Destroy….

As my daughter shoves her phone to my ear with her home-made eighties’ music quiz playlist, memories she will never know of blissfully return. “If I could be like Doc Emmett Brown and whizz you back to my era,” I think aloud, but maybe not such a good idea, she’d never survive; no Wi-Fi. What is apparent with the classic pop from my time she has picked is that it spans genres unconditionally, because she hasn’t lived it to confine her to one viewpoint, to guide through that era, where the categorical conflict for top of the pops changed overnight; what side did you fight for?

Pigeonholing divided the early-to-mid-eighties into alienated youth cultures, unique from one another and only alike for being experimental and innovative. While there may be nothing particularly ground-breaking about Shrewsbury’s five-piece rock band Cosmic Rays, what they do have is a dexterous ability to weave these genres back together in an original and affable way. I have their March released album Hard to Destroy to snoop upon, and I like it; pass my black hair dye and metallic leather high boots.

Initial reaction was thus, partially gothic with nu-metal wailing guitar and archetypical dejected romance as a running theme, and while it’s not my cuppa, it’s produced lo-fi and agreeably subtle. So elusive indeed you don’t pre-empt the changes, though may yearn for it. Post-punk and new romantic are lobbed into the melting pot by the second tune, tickling my personal taste buds better.

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With the sensation of jaggedly Velvet Underground, in parts, its retrospective nods soon confine to aforementioned eighties genres. I’m now left contemplating everything from The Cult to Depeche Mode, and The Dammed to Blancmange. For which they are, just nods, as the all-encompassing sound is something original and exclusive, in so much as the combination of influences fuse so unexpectedly well. Perhaps no more adroitly composed than a central track called Lost Paradise, as while it mirrors synth-pop electronica, it also explodes midway with a wailing guitar solo akin to Slash’s contribution to Jackson’s Beat It.

The Bandcamp blurb explains new guitarist Rob McFall is a major factor to this album being a whole new direction, though while I ponder what the old direction was being I’m new to the band, I have to tip my hat to the guitar sections, but like I say, it’s the placement of them too, unpredictably located. That, I think, makes it more exciting than a band simply replicating a particular sound from a bygone era.

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Just when I’m expecting it to rest there, a tune called Me & Jimmy bursts out upbeat joyful vibes. Unquestionably the most pop-tastic track on the album, it smiles House Martins or even the Fine Young Cannibals at me. Though the last two tunes finish by reminding you this is indie, Seeing Green with a winding goth ease and Walk on Water, where a sombre electronica beat rises again. If you’ve heard such a fusion tried before, you’ll be forgiven for thinking this could be encumbered and muddled, yet I feel you need to listen, for the juxtaposition works on all levels, making Cosmic Rays interesting and defiantly one to watch. By the way, my daughter’s eighties pop quiz, I nail it every time!

Hard to Destroy by Cosmic Rays is available to sample and buy from BandCamp here.


© 2017-2020 Devizine (Darren Worrow)
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Devizes Scooter Club Auction Rally Banner for NHS

Ah, seems like a year ago now…. eh? Oh yeah, it was, nearly. With the second Devizes Scooter Rally teetering on the edge of cancelation, The Devizes Scooter Club still have their fingers crossed all will not be lost to the lockdown. After last summer’s amazing effort by the club to host the unforgettable first Devizes Scooter Rally, this highly anticipated sequel is booked in Rowde for 31st July, and we live with all the hope of Princess Leia that’ll it’ll go off.

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For me personally, it was a thrill to see the posters and in particular, the big banners around the area, and I was honoured to have designed it. But you know, I get this low a lot designing event posters, knowing once the event is over, my poster is lost in time. Delighted then to see the Scooter Club is auctioning the very last Rally banner from last year.

landscaperally

Club colonel Adam Ford said “we would like to put it up for auction to raise funds for the NHS Charities Fundraiser.” 100% of the winning bid will be donated to the charity. The auction will end at 9pm on Friday 17th April. If you’d like this piece of history, nip over the Devizes Scooter Club Facebook page, like it and put your bid in the comments.

Do let me know if you buy it, I’ll be thrilled to know it has gone to a good home, and even more for such a good cause!


 

Guide to Local Facebook Groups pt1

How many Facebook groups can you get banned from in one day?! I have Norris McWhirter on stand by for a world record attempt. But as we’re locked down and online is the new going out, I thought it’d be a rather lovely idea to instruct on the confounds of local Facebook groups and pages. Maybe research a few new ones, as they vastly differ due to the ethos of the individual admin. So, here’s the lowdown, and I do mean low, of what group or page might be best for you, what content is best for posting on them, and what you will/won’t get away with on each.

I may well have bitten off more than I can chew with this pet project. Note this is not comprehensive and I will be adding further parts to it, covering more specific areas of interest. For the now, there’s enough general pages, debate pages and event pages to take us to kingdom come and back. Where Devizes once had more pubs than people, now, sadly, pubs close so quick you barely get time to finish your drink until antiques are wheeled in around you, and we now have more Facebook pages than people. The only real issue in Devizes is that there’s too many Facebook pages called the Devizes Issue, or similar; don’t cry for me Amanda Attwood the truth is, I never left you.


The Devizes Issue

The original and still most popular general Devizes group is strictly monitored. Spamming, repeat posts and adverts are very restricted. Yet content remains solely and proudly local and it never allows dabbling in politics. It also operates a tight censorship rule where bad language or offensive content will see you banned immediately, the main reason why so many potty-mouths have decided to start their own variation on the idea. In a word: reliably presentable.


The Devizes Issues

Never confuse this similar namesake with the original. Set up by those disgruntled at the rules of the uncompromising original, it stands as second most popular general Devizes Facebook group. Sadly, as it has progressed it has become just as strictly policed, if not more, but with an entirely different ethos. Content can be varied, sometimes not related to Devizes at all, rather prompting national headlines, but provided it follows an unembellished conservative agenda it’s fair game. It is extremely right-wing bias, though often denied by admin. As the page gets more popular it is more strictly regulated and items posted which do not meet either a local theme or appeases the admin’s own objective or conservative philosophy are deleted. In a word: Daily Mail of Devizes.


The Devizes Debate

If a page is the sum of its members, the Devizes Issues has become right-wing by default, naturally representative of our Tory top-heavy area, the Devizes Debate was a hundred times worse. With subject matter rarely on a local fashion, a barrage of intimidation hailed over anyone with a differing opinion, and if they snapped back with a single insult, as naturally one would upon such ganged responses, they were witch-hunted towards the door. I received messages from locals genuinely concerned for their safety after expressing a leftist ideology. So, I abandoned it too as I confess, even I couldn’t handle the hypocrisy. The liberal admin tried their best to keep the peace, but decided to close it, new admins have taken over, but to be honest, I dare not venture back for my own wellbeing. In a word: the former Devizes Mein Kampf.


Debating about Devizes

If you consider the Devizes Debate is hardly a debate at all, if every member has the same opinion and anyone with a differing one is despatched by via witch hunt, this page has the potential to be better. Sadly, though it only stands at 76 members and rarely posted on. Posts are as general as the Devizes Issue pages, events and campaigns, rather than notions to spur a debate as such, and as the member count is so low, rarely does an actual debate begin. In a word: nice tin, wrong label.


Marlborough Opinions

Our neighbours show us how to run a debate page. At just over 600 members there really is a fair and equal demographic here, and though it can get heated, comments rarely get personal. Here’s a debate which works, community spirited, which upholds the cross section of society without flying daggers, just a few cross words, but it is Marlborough. In a word: cliquey opinionated.


Devizes Issue

Take out the “The,” forget the plural, ironically this smaller of general Devizes groups is arguably the most effective and close to their original intent, though with only a handful of users its reach is like calling out of the window. It seldom does politics, hardly ever takes on a national issue, but it does either it’s usually satire and equally based. Generally, though, it is solely a noticeboard for the town, which is what the others are supposed to be. In a word: nice but inconsequential.


The Devizes Issue (but better)

Just as the above, its non-political bias, and fairness indeed makes it better, as the title suggests, unfortunately with just over 900 users, its reach is anything but better. These two factors balance each other out, making it far from better in reality. In a word: fibbing.


Spotted in Devizes

If you’re thinking hurrah, there is a local Facebook group which hasn’t plagiarised The Devizes Issue and figured its own name all by itself, you should note there are umpteen groups called Spotted in [enter town name.] Also, worth pointing out it’s a page rather than a group, the difference being you have to message the page and they will, hopefully publish your post. The upside is you can remain anonymous, the downside you never know if submissions will be published. As it is, the page seems to have dilapidated in its once popularity, with one person still persisting to post; namely Ronnie of the brilliant music promotions Marland. This is still a valid page then, if you want to know where Burbank will be playing next, but other than this and the odd missing dog, there’s little to write home about. I guess the move to groups rather than pages has seen its demise, but while it lasted it wasn’t so bad. In a word: spotty.


spotted in devizes

Low and behold, someone threw what little originality in Devizes Facebook Admins there is to the wind and without the skill to muster capitalisation took the name and made a group out of the idea. This group has lower reach then the page of the same name, but is more widely used. It’s very liberal provided your post is locally related, and takes adverts and notices. Few seem to debate, few seem to squabble, surprisingly nice around really. In a word: spotless, except for basic grammar.


Marlborough Notice Board

Again, our swanky neighbours show us up, like a Devizes Issue, but running pretty much solo in its town, so you need not browse two hundred local groups to get a comprehensive guide to what’s happening out there. Of course, occasionally the blindly ignorant wish to proclaim their love for Boris on it, but it does stick to its values well. In a word: oh, Marlborough.


The Issues of Fucking Devizes

A complete spoof of all above, hence the “swearing is big and clever” title, lambasting the Devizes Issue’s rightful bad language regulation. Subject, for want of a better word is never about Devizes at all, and it prides itself on this and the ability to be completely offensive and rude without shame. For this unique stance I approve, but the angle taken is assertively far-right-wing, and to make a joke about anything other than this will see you hounded. Nice idea, discriminating and disgraceful stance. In a word: Viz for fascists.


The Devizes Issue WTF

If I know my abbreviations, the What The Fuck in this group is what the fuck have you got to do to get in. Perhaps they know I’m plotting this article, perhaps it’s a redundant group and the admin are now living in the Seychelles, or maybe it’s a very exclusive club, as although I’ve applied for membership twice, I’ve still not gained entry. All I can say is that here is another clearly spoof page, and I have to ponder if The Issues of Fucking Devizes had a good idea but is used with nasty intent, perhaps there’s a fairer balance here, or is it just plain smut? If so, I’m up for that but fear I may never know, or care. in a word: my name’s not down.


The Devizes Labour Campaign Group

There is some relief from the constant assault of neurotic Nazis in local Facebookland and here’s a place for alleged leftie snowflakes to let off steam and preach to the converted. Come here with your hard-on for Boris and you’ll be the one put to rights, finally. In a word: Corbyn’s Vest.


Live Music Devizes

Did I start this off with edge and gradually cover the better ones as I went? Paul does a great job at hosting this Live music promotional page, which is exactly what happens on it, and only that. So, as we bludgeon through the list, note finding a page more specific you often find a nicer place to surf. Live music Devizes never gets narked off with Devizine, we’ve never seen bad blood, nor even needed to communicate very much to know we’re singing off the same song sheet. Join this page for further news and events, you never know I may have missed something on Devizine, but hardly likely! In a word: musical goodness.


Devizes Events

Again, here’s a specific one, lesser so as the above and events can include any events, as it says really. No harm here that’s for sure, feel free to post event news and happenings, or as it is presently, cancelations. There is little more to the group than this, but that is precisely what it is set out to do. In a word: Yeah, I’m going out.


Devizes Musicians and Performers

If live music Devizes takes on, generally, pop genres, this one will fill the theatrical, choirs and musicals and that type of thing. Maybe therefore less cool, but equally as popular for its broader horizons as it covers all which the latter does as well. In a word: doe a deer, a female deer.


Marlborough Music

If you thought I’d finish on a high note, with only praise for a Facebook page, that’s simply not my style. Facebook is like Vice City, dude, respect needs to be earned. I gave up with Marlborough Music, they got rather cliquey with me, like fagging a St Johns pleb with a ruling class college nose in the air. The trouble kicked off because I was posting my weekly roundup post, which informs everyone over the area we cover what is happening in their town. Seems like if it’s not about music in Marlborough it’s unwelcome. Their prerogative, and that is, after all what it says on the tin, but my notion it’d be too time consuming to create a post for each town, was met rather rancorously.


That’s enough for now, there are many other Facebook groups and pages I can slag off, or praise where praise is due, which I will. So, expect a further part to this, one at least; if you think you’ve got away with it, page admin of one I missed here, think again! Twitter though is a safe zone, and Instagram I need my daughter to be my social media manager on, hence it’s probably full of pictures of me acting like a twat. I’ll check it one day, but I’m a one social media site kinda guy.

Phil Cooper is Without a Sound

Surprising title, Phil Cooper is not usually without a sound. Trowbridge’s prolific singer-songwriter subtlety reflects, I believe, on the silence of the lockdown in a new single born today. Subtlety is the key to many of his works, there’s a wonder in this one in particular if there’s undertones of a political statement, or if it’s a simple love and togetherness theme. I like it when it’s open to interpretation.

Yet if there’s something unsurprisingly catchy about Phil’s Easter egg single Without a Sound, I’m uncertain if he’d be flattered with my Elvis Costello comparison, but that’s what I picked it out of it, and you might be surprised by this.

Though comparing isn’t necessary now, Phil have stamped his own unique mark onto music and this one retains that personal fashion.

However you choose to look at it, it’s a gradual step in the right direction for Phil. With the Lost Trades obviously on hold for the time being, it’s a welcomed surprise and while we look forward to the vocal harmonies with Tamsin and Jamie, ah, this single will fill the gap perfectly.

As with Tamsin’s first rate live stream last night for the Swindon Shuffle virtual festival, it’s still good to see this trio working apart as well as together.

But dont take it from me, give it a listen!

Now That’s What I Call Local Music!

You know you’re a milkman when you wake up at 5:45am on a Sunday and consider it a lie-in. With the household in gentle slumber I thought I’d don my headphones and create a mixtape out of many of the great local music I’ve been sent through Devizine; jeepers, it went on for the best part of two hours!

An eclectic mixture, as is my taste, expect to be transferred between genres quite abruptly as we travel through acoustic, space-rock, indie-pop, to folk, reggae, ska, swing and end with blues. I’ve tried to keep it as local or locally connected as possible, furthest from here is Bristol and Oxford.

Think of this as a sampler, please click on the links and buy their music if you like the track, right now, they need all the support they can get. Artists if you’re featured here, I hope you don’t mind me being so cheeky, oh, and check your link make sure I used your favoured one, but do let me know if it’s an issue and you’d rather not feature. If you’re not here but would like to be, send me your tunes and when I’ve enough for a second compilation I will jump to it!

Here’s the lowdown this lockdown of the artists featured, with some links to buy their music:
1- Home – Tamsin Quin
2- My Backwards Head – George Wilding
3- Twin Suns Rising – Cracked Machine
4- Oxygen – Talk in Code
5- Road Songs – Phil Cooper
6- A Million Miles – Sound Affects
7- As Big as You – Jamie R Hawkins
8- 1AM – Larkin
9- Airbus – Boom Boom Racoon
10- Boot Boy – Ya Freshness & The Big Boss Band
11- I Should Not Be Moved – Billy Green 3
12- Heartbreaker – Beaux Gris Gris & the Apocalypse
13- Not A Witch – Strange Tales
14- Nite Life – Subject A
15- Edith New – Erin Bardwell Collective
16- Pandemonium –Mr Tea & Minions
17- The Simple Things – Dirt Road Diary
18- Stop Burning Squirtels –Pokémon Liberation Army
19- Marlo Cooper – King Dukes
20- Night Bus – Boot Hill All Stars
21- Darken My Door – Tremor Tones
22- We Know –Knati P
23- Forward to the Sound –Urban Lions
24- Run – Kingstons
25- Illumnious Girl –Jon Amor
26- Howlin Wolf – Elles Bailey
27- Trouble on the Green – Carny Villains
29- Like A Thief – Rin Tins
30- Under the Tree – Zaia
31- Key to Love – Little Geneva
32 -Sweet as Honey – Ruzz Guitar’s Revue

Mayyadda, That is All

If you ever feel contemporary soul music has lost its way somewhat, do yourself a favour, check out Mayyadda from Minnesota and it’ll instantly change your mind.

Soothing soul that will make those little hairs on the back of a neck stand to attention. Singers who can do this are a rarity, I nod to Otis Redding, Toots Hibbert, Louis Armstrong, Aretha Franklin, Nina Simone and Marvin Gaye, yet I find few to take us to the modern day. Mayyadda is that equivalent.

She shares her music freely on Bandcamp, she deserves all the gold her voice personifies. Aware my ageing tastes cannot identify with modern RnB, and detest the notion it’s even labelled thus as it barely compares with the original sound of rhythm and blues, but from the very opening of Mayyadda’s short album, Holding Space, I was captivated, heart and soul.

It is the perfect nu-cool, the musical version of after sun on sunburnt skin, the whirl to uplift a sour Sunday morning start.

It’s grades above whatever soul pops on radio, or stylised in nineties trip hop, from Portishead to Morcheeba, Macy Grey to Heather Small, which while that era’s sound holds me in, Mayyadda breathes it out with a chill of freshness and hope for soul music in the now. It is, in a word; gorgeous.

https://mayyadda.bandcamp.com

Can you Help Sam Bishop’s Quarantine Song “One of a Kind” for Charity?

Formerly of Larkin, Devizes singer-songwriter Sam Bishop has been making use of the isolation period by writing and producing a new song called ‘One of a Kind.’ Sam tells us this single “is about being away from loved ones during isolation. My aim to is release it everywhere, with all profits going to the Trussell Trust, a fantastic charity which provide emergency food and assistance for those in need.”

In order for Sam to release the song, and raise as much money as possible, he requires the necessary funds to cover distribution costs, so he’s started a Crowdfunder campaign. “The amount needed isn’t huge,” he continues, “so any small donation would be really appreciated. I’ve always wanted to release a song for charity, and this is my time to do my bit!”

onekind
Click on the image to donate, if you can, thanks!

Now residing in Winchester to study music, Sam’s solo career really kicked off at the end of last year, with the release of his debut EP ‘Cold Kingdom’ on all music streaming platforms. “It received such an overwhelming response and I was completely blown away but the support and positive feedback from it,” Sam explained. “This song is unlike anything I’ve ever written before, and I’ve never released a demo. I wrote and produced the song in just a day, and I feel like the lyrics really do convey my emotions and feelings perfectly. Being away from the people you love is never easy, and you just want to tell them how you feel. I feel like the demo version is the perfect version to release, as it was made only using software and tools I have, written by me, all during this hard time. It’s raw, it’s rough, but it will hopefully speak to you.”

samband

You can you help Sam release “One of a Kind,” by donating just a small amount via the link here. Sam has a new band in the workings and we look forward to a time when he can introduce us to the members in what will be a highly anticipated homecoming gig. Until such a time, best of luck with the crowd funding, can’t wait to hear the One of a Kind, which is what you truly are, Sam and here’s to a brighter day.


Adverts & That!

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“Static” Shuffle; Swindon Shuffle Live Streams This Saturday

If you rarely venture into Swindon, July is the month in which to make the journey. Swindon Shuffle celebrates and backs local music, since 2007 hosting a weeklong town music festival at its hottest venues; namely The Victoria, The Beehive, The Hop, The Tuppenny and Baila Coffee & Vinyl. In association with Swindon Link and the West Berkshire Brewery, last year they presented forty-four bands over the weekend, all free, and supported mental health charity MIND.

I was forgiven in thinking this year would be virtual, saving some petrol money at least, but the organisers inform me this weekend’s Virtual Shuffle is only to breeze over this gloomy, Groundhog Day isolation period, and they cross their fingers for the real thing on the 16th-19th July; crossing my toes too!

shufflepost

So, yeah, but yeah, whoop-whoop, Swindon Shuffle will indeed fill this gap with plentiful live streams this Saturday 11th April, kicking off at 3:15pm. Streamed direct from their Facebook page, expect to catch all local acts; Jim Blair of Hip Route, the bearer of Devizine’s heart Miss Tamsin Quin, Mr Love & Justice himself, Steve Cox, jazz pianist, singer-songwriter Will Lawton, Harry Leigh, frontman of indie-pop outfit Stay Lunar, experimental Karda Estra project runner Richard Wileman, Onze from Atari Pilot, Joe Rose and Nash.

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Mr Love & Justice, Steve Cox

Our favourite Swindonian music journalist, the one and only Dave Franklin, if there’s another he’s a phoney, is all over helping organise this sofa bash. He states “obviously there’s more important things going on in the world right now than worrying about a local music festival, but it is also at times like these that music, art, creativity in general, helps get us through or at least offers an oasis of calm where we can retreat to and forget the day-to-day worries for a bit.”

karda estra
Karda Estra

For me personally, I’m continuing to toil with the worth of the live stream against a real gig, ponder it’s currently all we have, worry either punter or musician are forced onto the ropes when it comes to how they should be arranged and financed and have even encountered and engaged in heated debates as we scramble in the dark trying to make this work best for everyone. This said, if anyone can I’m reckoning the Shuffle team will make an amazing job of it. If there is an upside to it, it is that one can check these artists out for when the gig scene does take off, and boy, I’m predicting it’ll go off like an atomic blast, and it will encourage many to take the journey to festivals such as Swindon Shuffle, in this example.

Will Lawton

In the meantime, enjoy the streams and not let it miff us too much at missing the real thing. I tell myself the scene is dormant; it will erupt again. It should go without saying, but I’m going to spell it out; B, for BUY, U for Yourself (sort of,) Y for some local music, (okay, that didn’t work) Look, just support the artists and buy their music from their websites and Bandcamp sites!

Devizes together in Lockdown

This weekend I find myself toiling with the idea of this virtual festival, and essentially, the direction Devizine has to take as a whole. Its awkwardness at bestowing the mandatory features for online presentations, the quality and quantity of online events being released, and my time management in presenting it all sufficiently and fairly, while working extra hard in my real job. Seems every man and his dog are live streaming, and the ones the dogs do often more entertaining.

virtualfest1

What begun as the creative doing what they can, and entertaining us with their talents seems to have been lost in a saturated Facebook feed of drunks bobbing around their kitchen; that’s not, I believe, what you ordered. At the beginning of this lockdown I reserved myself to the fact it’s currently all we have, now I fear, it’ll do worse than bore and advance the party longing to riotous levels.

I took to repudiating Facebook last night, tried to forget its very existence. I relied on the antiquated entertainment source, television. Ah, can’t say it was all bad; money-spinning predictable Hollywood bile that it was, the family sequel entertained me enough to keep my eyelids open. I confess I’m not a fan of gluing myself to the box. In an ever-changing era, I intend to press on with this regardless, pondering where to take the idea next.

I reflect, people warm to Devizine, yet the virtual festival is not the original ethos of it; damn I wanna go to the pub and return with a sore head to write a review of the band who played there! Apologises if this all sounds rather despondent, yet presenting this virtual festival as more than a live stream by added features, I think, is valid. I draw your attention to the artist’s contributing to our gallery pages, and the beer tent and food hall pages prompting local businesses still operating in the area to let me know their details so we can build a directory, of sorts.

All you need do is drop me a message if you’re a business still operating who wishes to take advantage of this virtual noticeboard; few bothers to, though. Making me doubt it’s worth and consider perhaps it’s my total ignorance and incapability at modern websites. I know, dammit Jim, I’m a writer not a web designer; just doing what I can.

On the other hand, I find the mass of guidance, information and entertainment online is wafting past us unnoticed not because there’s so much of it, but from people’s failure, or lack of desire, to want to integrate their ideas. Take the amount of local Facebook groups as symbolic of this, if you disagree with the regulations of one, you create your own. How many Devizes Issues pages do we need? You do realise not everyone bothers with Facebook?

So, here’s an idea developing, which was my original intention of writing today, I genuinely hope it gathers pace. A free, one-stop directory for local small businesses who don’t have the clout of the big guys has been set up. Presenting In-Devizes, not my pet project, so expect a website superior to this strung-together-with-virtual-string one!

InDevizes-Logo-e1585760867966

The creator of In-Devizes, Ida McConnell “hopes it will evolve into a much bigger thing,” hence my notion to integrate. Could this be the ideal opportunity to highlight and promote your business through this hard time? I hope so, but it needs your attention, it needs all to contribute details in order to make it comprehensive and therefore a valid resource. The ethos goes along the lines of, “if you don’t have a website, don’t do Facebook or are otherwise suffering from competing with the big guys during the COVID lockdown, this is the place for you.”

I submitted details of Devizine on there, a simple and quick process, I urge you to do likewise. A building directory open to categories, prompt people towards your business. As I really feel it’s time to stop spamming Facebook individually and crossing your fingers that someone will browse past it. If this lockdown has presented us with anything positive it’s the notion that if we work together, we can provide a service, we can entertain and help each other out.

covidcamp

Stay safe, as the saying goes, but also, contemplate my thought for the day, let’s integrate our resources. Please support upcoming projects like In-Devizes, and of course, Devizine too. Use the resources set up, such as Devizes Covid19 Support. Please, do click on our links to Bandcamp or other and buy local music, phone a local business and grab a takeaway, brighten your walls with some art from our gallery, and most of all, inform us your ideas, businesses and projects. Let’s stay safe, yes, but let’s also keep our heads up and enjoy our days too; virtual hugs, for all they are worth.

Boris to Replace Danny Kruger as Devizes MP

Our recently elected MP Danny Kruger told Devizine exclusively he will stand down next year and allow Boris Johnson to take control of the Devizes constituency.

Danny messaged the office yesterday, sadly heartfelt he informed Devizine he planned to stand down and hand the baton to Boris in a move predicted by fleeing local conservatives during the election. “Being as Devizine has supported my campaign from the beginning,” Danny expressed, “and there’s little doubt those Gazelle & Herod rascals will plagiarise this story anyway, I thought it best to tell you about my decision first.”

We are saddened to hear of Danny’s decision, but look forward to being treated like vermin by the Prime Minster himself. Mr Kruger explained, “it’s not just about the lardy cake, though it is pretty rank. I just feel I’ve not really made an impact on the people of Devizes. I tried to belch up kebab meat and chips along Morris Lane on a Friday night after twenty something Bacardi Breezers down the Crown, but it’s just not me. I’ve hung my dog poo bags on the trees in Drew’s Pond woods like everyone else, I’ve even climbed Rose’s facade and pretended to drive the lawnmower on top of it, but I’m just not cut out for life in Devizes. It’s either a miracle or via Google maps that I even know of these places, and I’m just not at home without a Starbucks drive-thru.”

Official_portrait_of_Danny_Kruger_MP_crop_2

Mr Kruger, who is nicknamed Danny K by his infamous amateur rap band, went onto explain, “I never felt I could replace Claire, just haven’t got the legs for it. Nor does my good-stock babyface allow for malicious stares and random outbursts, as she was so well respected in the community for.” Danny took the example of when Claire Perry was viciously tapped on the shoulder by a dangerous leftie snowflake during a surgery in Morrisons. “How she called the police that day, to inform them of her attack was nothing short of heroic. If it had been me who was assaulted like that, I’d only have given off a sound akin to a squeaky dog toy.”

His frequent visits to the neediest entrepreneurs and wealthy businesses will be sadly missed. Upon being quizzed about our homeless charities and food banks, Mr Kruger replied, “it was on my to-do-list, but then we had this lockdown thing, honest. Stay in your homes homeless people and I’ll get around to seeing you in a local wine bar soon, but I insist, it’s your round.”

Boris-Johnson

Boris Johnson is said to be thrilled to be moving from the Uxbridge constituency, what he deemed full of “deplorable chavs” and plans to buy a second, or maybe third home in Urchfont, which is so swanky even the road signs are thatched. “I have visited Dewotizits,” he stated, “and didn’t see any Remainer scum, walking letter boxes, or one watermelon smile, which is nice. Just lots of happy Brexiters, so if Brexit doesn’t work out in the UK maybe Dewotizits could get Brexit done on its own.” Then he waffled some impenetrable baloney about Lord Horton’s relationship with an ancestor of his, pledged to save our NHS twenty-seven times over, and how delightfully working-class Chick-o-Land is, until our reporter dropped dead from boredom.

We look forward to seeing Boris’ gold-digger, sorry, I meant girlfriend, Carrie Symonds shopping in Lidl and ranting about spitting teenagers on the Devizes Issues. Admin of the popular Facebook page, Sir Iain Wallis, praised the decision and gave a rambling announcement basically declaring, “anyone who dares to criticise Boris or Carrie on my nonbiased Facebook page I’ll verbally dice into small pieces with my academic wit, so there.”

Boris expressed on social media, “Locally, I will personally build a supermassive train station, airport, and ferry port, just off Sidmouth Street. I also want to get to the bottom of this place in the parking of the market, or whatever you bumpkins are on about with that, whatever it is,” and called for “Dewotizits, Marlborough and Pewsea” to have Boris bikes, as in London; “just with fatter tyres to withstand all the potholes.” Unaware we already have plenty of usable town bikes, at the Bin, for the cost of a vodka & Red Bull.

boriscarrie

On social media, where Boris initially announced the plans, he was promptly welcomed by all, expect for Amanda Attwood who banned him from The Devizes Issue for using the word “bottom.”

Mayor Judy Rose will welcome Boris to our constituency on 1st April 2021, aptly All Fools Day, with a plush champagne reception and town council ceremony, kindly paid for by council tax revenue. All councillors will be present to give Boris virtual hugs, but the public will not be invited. Local businessman Iain Wallis was angered by the news. Crying outside the Town Hall, he whispered, “it should’ve been me who kissed his ring, that is the final straw, teddy bears assemble!”

dannyk

Recently converted fascist, Morrissey is said to entertain at the event, with party games such as pin the slander on Corbyn, pass the NHS parcel to a US medical company and a Donald Tusk pinata, as hosted by filthy Islamophobic Katie Hopkins. “I usually cry in the kitchen at parties,” Danny said, “but this one should be an awfully spiffing blowout bash, and we’ll end up down Spoons, no doubt, or any other commercial pub chain which doesn’t pay its employees, if there is one.”


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