Devizes, oh Devizes; with plans so exuberant and bold but without a greater populace or infrastructure to support them; it’s a recurring theme.

 
Oh no, off he marches in the wake of debate, and the enticements of Wiltshire Council, he’s going to feed us his wonky whinge on the parking charges deliberation.

 
Quite the contrary friends, I’ve said my piece. As much as I’d like to see cars in the Market Place replaced by a bustling market of brightness, fresh aromas and the sound of jollity, I fear the reality it’ll become barren, with only the odd tumbleweed blowing through, as we simply don’t have the population, or attraction to support such an idea.

Besides, tis but a smear to convince us WC are our friends. If whacking up parking charges is how they can pay for the failing pubic transport, services and their new conservatories, they will.

 
I’m leaving it to the experts. I’m on the other side of town Thursday evening instead, chatting to a guy in his garage while his wife is inside. He tells me there’s a lot of blondes in Rowde.

 
Now, whoa, I know what you’re thinking; typical, two married guys pretending they’re God’s gift, acting like a pair of smutty teenagers or Viz contributors, well let me stop you right there, we were talking hedgehogs.

 
Did you know they do hedgehogs in blonde now? I was stunned. But what this guy, Ian Hunt and his wife Joy don’t know about hedgehogs you could write on the back of a matchbox in supersized font.

 
As a milkman hedgehogs are my work buddies. But, you know how it goes, how well do you really know your colleagues, have you taken the time to chat on a personal level? I tend not to talk to hedgehogs too often, save yelping “jeepers where did you spring from?” or words to that effect, when they magically appear millimetres away from my boots.

 
It occurred my appointed first aid certificate is void in a close encounter of the hedgehog kind, and I had not a Scooby-Doo of the appropriate action I’d take should a near miss result in injury to the spiky creature.

 
I noticed a shared post upon a social network, apparently we have a hedgehog rehabilitation centre right here in old Devizes. Blissfully unaware, I was intrigued and thought some exposure of the good work they do would assist them gaining attention. However, I was wrong. For Devizes being Devizes, it’s less “centre” and more household/garage hobby of Ian and Joy, who both work full time on top of caring for some 30+ hedgehogs.

 
They’ve been up to this over five years now, after Joy spotted one of these wonderful creatures in distress in her garden. Rather than promoting this brilliant facility, as it seems it gets more than it can handle, and sometimes has to refuse hedgehogs advising them to be sent to vets or larger facilities in places like Thatcham.

A lot of the calls they receive from caring people are unnecessary though, Ian explained, so the angle I’m taking is how to relieve Joy and Ian of the workload by identifying exactly when a hedgehog needs attention, and when it’s fine trundling on, going about its business.

Hedgehogs don’t hibernate like bears, they’re prone to waking in the winter, but when I arrived they were all fast-o. If you see one out in the night, hurrying to the bushes, do not panic, often they can be disturbed by noise. If you perchance to see a mother with babies rustling about, it’s foraging in training, no need for concern. Only take action if the hedgehog is out in the day, or wandering sluggishly. They could be injured or unwell.

Ian explained badgers are the only creature strong and bonkers enough to try take a hedgehog, but they’re prone to traffic incidents and parasite infection. Best thing, if certain it’s troubled, is pick it up (with gardening gloves) and place it in a large box, they climb so insure it has high sides. Wrap a hot-water-bottle in a tea-towel and slip it close, allowing enough space for it to move away or closer at will. You should give it water, but not milk. Hedgehogs are lactose intolerant, but will still lap milk until sick. You can try feed it meat-based pet food, but fish is rarely in their diet.

 
Once settled, if concerned you need to call the experts, Joy, or a vet who’ll advise you. Check them for flystrike; myiasis is a parasitic infestation by fly larvae. They’ll appear like tiny grains of rice under the folds of their legs or bottom. Should you see these signs it’s important to call the experts urgently.

 
For Ian explained our affection for hedgehogs can be damaging, I noted a video off Facebook where an American guy had taken one on as a pet. He enlightened some countries have slacker laws where the African Pygmy breed are traded as pets; they don’t make for good pets. “They can be decidedly grumpy,” Ian tells me, “and live separately.” Seems though hedgehogs aren’t territorial, they take an organised routes around their fairly large neighbourhoods avoiding bumping into each other.”

I was beginning to consider similarities to hedgehogs and myself, nocturnal, keep themselves to themselves, cute but spiky on the edges, but when he mentioned they were grumpy by their nature, well, c’est la vie!

 
So petting is not good for them, or your fingertips. Ian said people ask if they can take one home, they have large walled gardens. Only with kind intentions, it’s not acceptable, as a hedgehog needs to make his own space, they need to be wild. If you don’t see hedgehogs in your area, it’s for good reason. Attempting to attract a hedgehog to your garden is one thing, leave water out for them, cat food will only get pinched by cats, but always insure the hedgehog has clear access to and from your garden; otherwise it’s bordering on captivity.

 
Seems a shame a fulltime charitable facility is not available here for hedgehog rescue, but the work and effort Joy and Ian put in is indisputable and remarkable. They have a dining room full, all in need of medical attention and the garage is rehab, ones nearly ready for release back to the wild, which next to 100% will happen in springtime.

 
Keen to add taking care of hedgehogs is very specialised and you shouldn’t attempt to take on such an activity. Joy and Ian have undergone much study and courses to be equipped to cater for these bizarre and beautiful little mounds of spikes. But the biggest respect for the patience and time they serve them. I certainly came away from there more enlightened.

 
Hedgehogs are endangered to the degree there’s far less of them now as when I was younger, Ian continued, but although the likelihood of them becoming extinct is low, still we have a duty to protect these fascinating spiky fellows and insure we’re doing them alright.

 
Phew, a nice column this week for a change; normal service will be resumed!

More info at Hedgehog Street

Joy’s local Facebook group

It’s been an age and half, so long some too young or else too new to town to recall Devizes ever having a record shop. Some might even have to Google “record shop” to discover what one is.

My youth was spent in these places, as much as an online search can open you to a multiverse of buying options and downloads and rarities and marketplaces, I miss the days of fumbling through those thin cardboard-covered slabs, bargain hunting, checking for scratches and fried chicken thumbprints. Oh, the conversation between warring fractions of varying youth cultures and battles of pop masters, wise in the ways of contemporary shifts in pop charts.

I recall “Pop-in” in Chelmsford with fondness, actively seeking a 7″ of Rio by Duran Duran, which had recently dropped off the top forty and was now tricky to locate. Amazon was still a rainforest kiddo, I had to train it to my nearest metropolis and search the racks for the only Duran Duran single the cutest girl in my class didn’t own; but presenting it to her at her birthday party scored me my first kiss. That’s how important record shops were back then, even Our Price.

Vinyl Realm, who have been an online specialist in vinyl based in Devizes has a bold and most welcome announcement; it’s to open a record shop. Talk of the town, here’s a brief post about this groovy news and a positive awakening for high street shopping in Devizes.
The shop opens on Saturday March 3rd, stocking a huge range of original vinyl along with new vinyl. They’re also an approved stockist for GPO and official band merchandise. With a fantastic range of gifts and goodies, including Bluetooth devices and incense, this is exciting times for Devizes and Vinyl Realm; Devizine wishes them all the best for this venture.

Update: Mike Barham will be in attendance, giving us a few tunes.

The location is still top secret due to a Facebook competition, vinyl junkies have been slain with the sharp edge of a cracked CD boxset for merely mumbling their suspicions! It’s due to be publicised on Saturday 24th February,  until then you can guess the forthcoming address of the new shop in Devizes, details on their Facebook page.

Devizine will be covering more on the eve of the shop officially launching, I just wanted to mention it now to get hysteria bubbling and general excitement reverberating like the foundations of my adolescent bedroom when I discovered Pink Floyd’s The Wall gatefold.

Have you ever wanted to be a professional comics creator? Or are you a professional looking to take your career to the next level? Perhaps you’d like to be working for a major publisher, or publishing your own comics?

This could be the event for you. It’s called Comics Uncovered and it’s at the Birmingham Conference and Events Centre on 7th-8th July 2018. It’s just the sort of thing I’d have needed many years ago, as dreams of becoming a cartoonist and comic creator were generally given a cold stare by frumpy career officers.

“In the UK there are limited paths to careers for you,” Comics Uncovered state. They know this, because they’ve trodden the same road themselves.

 
Their mission is to help you take those first steps, or perhaps even the most important steps, on that path and Comics Uncovered features over a dozen seminars, workshops, demos and master-classes conducted by top professionals, all aimed at creative people like you.

 
Guest Speakers include influential professionals from across the world of Comics and over the two days you will have the opportunity to join both short two hour workshops and full weekend courses plus everything in between.

 
Some events are for beginners, whilst some are for more advanced creators.

 
There are also ones to one portfolio reviews with editors, meetings with distributors for self publishers and a catered networking party in the evenings to help you secure those valuable connections made during the day.

 
If you are serious about a career in comics and graphic novels then Comics Uncovered is the one essential event on the calendar for you every other year!

Learn more and book tickets at: www.comicsuncovered.co.uk

Such a nice looking morning, went to vacuum the car. Frozen fingertips; the cruel-but-gentle reminder we’re not in spring yet, then it started with the damn hailstones.

So much to look forward to when summer arrives, without a Glastonbury other festivals are sure to be upping their game. We rapped about the second Saddleback Festival at Devizes Sports Club on 14th July, but here’s a reminder that this Saturday, 17th February, the Sports Club are holding a Battle of the Bands contest which will warm us up better than vacuuming any old motor.

 
Now, should you get the opportunity, I’d highly recommend any of these home-grown talents: George Wilding, Clair, Tamsin Quin, Jamie R Hawkins, Michael J Barham, Sally Dobson, The Hound On The Mountain, Alex Cash or Jack Moore. Yes, catch any of these playing live around or about and you’re sure for a good evening, but witnessing all of them, in one big do, battling for a place at the Saddleback Festival, totally and utterly FREE……. Well, not to be sniffed at.

Avebury’s George Wilding is one I’ve been advised to watch, self-taught guitarist and writing his own songs, which he describes as “abstract stories,” from age twelve. Rather reserved he shied away from talent shows, favouring open mic nights. Nick Harper asked him to perform at Avebury Rocks in 2011. This brought him to the attention of musician and songwriter Gary Saunders; producing George’s celebrated EP “Being Ragdollian.”

Now Devizes based Tamsin Quin we’ve talked a lot about on Devizine, but I can’t hype her enough. Such an exultant and charismatic singer-songwriter, Tamsin is squeezing in a highly anticipated forthcoming album between plentiful gigs; I understand she’s also supporting Lindsay Lou at the Long Street Blues Club prior to dropping in here.

Critically acclaimed around the world, but right here in the Vizes, Jamie R Hawkins is an award winning singer songwriter and one I’ve been meaning to catch live. Poignant and witty, he’s described as “a powerful mixture of storyteller, philosopher and poet”, with “emotive and captivating” lyrics.

The mighty Mike Barham, renowned for wit and charm behind the mic, booms vocally diverse rocky influences with inescapable pop references, with grating bluesy overdrive or ridiculous falsetto sparkles. Again from Devizes, Mike draws influence from artists like City and Colour, Frank Turner and Corey Taylor. He’s supported brilliant performers, Jonah Matranga, Dave McPherson, Danny and the Champions of the World, Gaz Brookfield and Nick Parker, and has an EP, “Attitude with Attitude,” recorded and mastered by Guy Britton of Riverbank Studios in Chippenham.

Melksham’s alternative rock project, The Hound on the Mountain, distort sounds and fantasy lyrics to blend a miss-match of influences, from Talking Heads to The White Stripes. Currently recording an album, “Cernunnos,” since the success of their EP, “Ghosts of Your Past,” these Hounds played the local circuit, including the Village Pump Festival and Bradford Roots Festival, and the EP got plugged by Steve Lamacq on Radio 6.

One of Wiltshire’s most promising young musicians, Jack Moore from Calne, a multi-instrumentalist, singer/songwriter is a versatile and ‘out-of-the-box’ performer. Striving to create music which is fresh and free from the shackles and influence of trend, Jack has a charming stage demeanour, unique and on-the-edge-of-awkward, but he’s keen to add, friendly.

Acoustic eccentricity in a punk baroque fashion is the best way to describe Pewsey’s Sally Dobson, aka Salamander. She combines simple strumming with sweeping melodies and lyrical intrigue.

A chance meeting with great musicians from Calne, and being encouraged to share his song ideas, Alex Cash helped form blues/rock band One Last Stand. This is first solo venture. “It’s all about rhythm,” he stated, “if you’re tapping your foot then it’s mission accomplished!” Influenced from a variety from Fink to The Clash. “I write songs that just come to me, and don’t force it,” Alex continued, “they are what they are. I’m always hopeful that someone else might like them too!”

Unfortunately, I’ve no info on neither Clair, at this stage, but you’ve got to have some surprises or it wouldn’t be Devizes now would it?
This awesome show of Wiltshire’s crème of upcoming legends will be put before a panel of judges on the night, not in a Simon Cowell fashion I’d wager. All in all, I’ll see this evening as a sampler for all these talented musicians. Whoever wins I’m sure it doesn’t matter, I know there’s a close network here and everyone are friends and assist each other; making this event so special.
Now, let me get on with vacuuming the car, if you please, there’s rock hard leftover chips lodged in-between the seats and sticky sweets stuck on the upholstery.

Battle of the Bands: Saturday 17th Feb 2018: FREE ENTRY @ Devizes Sports Club

By Zoe McMillan

Gimme Gimme Gimme one good reason why you wouldn’t want to head to Seend on Friday 13th April? No need to take a chance – you’re guaranteed to enjoy a top night out with the popular Abba tribute band ‘Sensation’ who are taking the stage at the Community Centre from 7.30pm.

Whether you’re a fan of Abba or just fancy a trip down memory lane there’s something to get everyone’s toes tapping & bootys shaking as you join Seends dancing queens and party animals on the dance floor.

Tickets are £15.00 & are available from Seend Community Centre and Seend Post Office. You know you want to…Don’t change your mind…book those tickets and dust off your bodysuits, flares & glitter. Tickets are selling quickly so don’t be shy. See you there!!!

https://www.facebook.com/events/107760526580294/

I’ve a message for all those teary-eyed about the Killertones and Going Undeground split; do not despair. It was obvious this Swindon team wouldn’t stay quiet and while Gouldy and Cath have been acoustically gigging as Sound Affects, they’ve another trick up their sleeves.
Teaming with Steely and Stig from the One Chord Wonders, they’ve formed “The Daybreakers,” who’ll be making their debut at the Swiss Chalet on 17th February. Playing covers in their own unique fashion, we can expect known tunes from Dexy’s Midnight Runners, The Clash, The Cure, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Violent Femmes, The Dead Kennedys, The Undertones, The Ruts, The Smiths, Blur, Oasis, The Stone Roses, The Waterboys, The Pogues and they’re keen for you to note, of course, The Levellers. Damn, if that doesn’t read like the ultimate “Now that’s what I call Music” compilation, if Virgin/EMI pulled their finger out of Simon Cowell.

With all singing, Iggy Gould on guitars and banjo, Cath York playing accordion, violin, viola and flute, drummer Chris Steel and bass by Dave Renton, it’s going to be one interesting, and particularly loud development. An edgy philosophy against inequality, corruption, elitism and greed, the Daybreakers blend traditional acoustic instruments with an electric back line, their key to creating a unique sound influenced by the classic UK scooter, alternative and indie scenes.

The Daybreakers formed towards the end of last year, but commitments to the Killertones/Going Underground and their own acoustic Sound Affects, caused them to put a hold on the Daybreakers setup. Cath was keen to inform me The Daybreakers is more of a progression from the alternative namesake Going Underground, so it seems the Killertones label has not been quashed completely and may yet play the occasional gig. I don’t know, there’s so many incarnations of this team it’s hard keeping track, but what I am sure of is these guys are thoroughly dedicated to reverberating some quality nights.

So I’ve nicked this great quote from Cliff Keith Dixon, about the original embodiment of the Daybreakers; I reckon it explains all: “I went to see the first official gig of ‘The Daybreakers’ at the Carters Rest in Wroughton, the band made up of Goldy, Cathy and Steely from the killertones and Stig from the One chord wonders. I witnessed the birth of a monster, this band is going to hit Swindon for six. The sound of the music they play is so distinct it is beyond compare to any other local bands. I have been watching bands for years and this band is going to be massive. Watch out for their future gigs you will be stunned at what these musicians will deliver.”

I’d like to wish them best of luck with their new project and warn them to play in Devizes soon, or else! You can catch Sound Affects live at the Crown in Lechlade tonight (Sat 10th)

Daybreakers : 17th Feb @ Swiss Chalet.

Daybreakers Website

Bentleys Gym on Hopton Industrial estate in Devizes is fundraising for Julia’s house children’s hospice and the Royal Marines charity.

This Saturday (10th) at 5pm, 12 members are attempting to row 1’000’000 metres in under 24hrs. I had to ask if this was 1,000,000 metres each or together, being everything I know about gyms could be written on the back of a matchbox!

Turns out four rowing machines will be used over the twelve brave participants; I’m tried just typing about it.

So, best of luck to all of you!

Bentleys is run by mum Mary and her son Adam, both fitness instructors and is proudly a iQniter heart rate installed facility, which uses interactive live feed technology to offer a unique fitness experience and classes to suit all.

Even me, a mere couch potato?

Anyway, there’s a raffle with some amazing prizes; a 32inch TV, weekend away, vouchers, and much more. Tickets are just £1;  pop into Bentleys to grab a ticket.

Please spare a few pounds and donate to this here: link: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/1millionrow

Bentleys: http://www.bentleysfitness.co.uk/index.html

Abba are not like Marmite, we have a love-hate relationship with the Swedish pop divinities; you know you shouldn’t, because you’re an old punk, a hardcore raver, or into thrash metal, but one aperitif at the family wedding and you hear those immortal opening lines, “Friday night and the lights are low……” Resistance is futile, you’ll succumb, assimilate into the disco-Borg collective and spin the plastic chair around only to strut like Travolta to the dancefloor, taking granny’s hand and pirouetting her to a frenzy.

It’s so addictive, so catchy, despite any abhorrence of manufactured pop, there’s something deific, irresistible, about the music of Abba, and it beguiles one and all into its euphoric magic. Abba’s music could turn Johnny Rotten into Pete Waterman in one flash of a disco ball, it’s the epiphany of pop. Unfortunately, alas the real thing is something lost in time, you had to have been there, and worn bellbottoms. Unless you’re lucky enough to pick up the last few tickets to Swede Dreamz, the UK’s top Abba Tribute act, at The Market Lavington Community Hall on Saturday (10^th Feb.)

Formed in 2004, and with numerous local sell-out gigs and shows, Swede Dreamz plays to packed audiences across the UK and beyond. With such attention to detail both vocally and visually, Swede Dreamz beseeches the closest thing you’ll get to reality; you’re sure to be having the time of your life.

Cheery organiser of the Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club, Ted Osborn, is certain this will be a sell-out, that’s why I’m here, because you need to get to Devizes Books, the Lavy post office pronto, or pray there’s still a few left on the door (£12 or £15 OTD.) If all else fails you can try Ted at this number: 07399591101 (tell him Devizine sent you and thank him for the music!)

I’m sorry, I should’ve put this article out there long ago; but don’t put your platform shoes back in loft, there’s an Abba alternative if all else fails, it simply means waiting until the spring day of April 13^th, and heading out the other side of town to the Seend Community Centre, where another Abba tribute, Abba Sensations, are appearing. With a wealth of significant clients, and many years’ experience, the Sensation also boasts to be the UK’s most sensational and authentic Abba tribute,  “with stunning harmonies, costumes, choreography and a sprinkling of light-hearted humour.”

£15 Tickets for this one are on sale now, from the Seend Community Centre and Seend Post Office. I’d advise you get in quick here too, it’ll be a race where the winner takes it all; you’ll end up just singing the swaggering in your kitchen, humming Fernando into a tear-sodden handkerchief!

Swede Dreamz, Feb 10th @ Market Lavington

Abba Sensations April 13th @ Seend

Roses are red, violets are blue, I love my website, if that’s possible to do.

 
Going on recent positive stats, the good people of Wiltshire are feeling the love for Devizine too. We’re growing at a superfast rate, so as it’s the season of love, and I thought there was a lot of it going around, I planned to write a piece on the best restaurants to take your Valentine.

 
Seriously figured it’d make an informative post, and helpful to those romantic-at-hearts simply too busy with the stresses of life to get around to locating the ideal place. Created a Facebook post, messaged as many local great places to eat as I could possibly think of, and sat back and waited for the list to compile.

 
Unfortunately the result was appallingly slim and the whole shebang is a bit of an anti-climax! (Yeah, that’s what she said.) Seems many pubs and restaurants either haven’t anything organised in particular, don’t read Facebook messages, would rather not associate with my pitiable website, or are just overbooked already. To merge all those possibilities let’s assume for ease they don’t want free publicity. C’est la vie, see I talk French too; can’t be so common not to warrant a reply, you would’ve thought?!

 
What the heck, a couple of donner meat and chips will do the trick on the 14th February, no expense spared. Jokes aside, since the Kebab House on Northgate Street reopened with new management, there’s actually some tasty kebabs to be had there. Don’t knock it, it’s an option and that’s all I’m saying.

 
However if you insist, here is the ultimate list of restaurants as compiled from the huge response from our appeal:

The Moonrakers Bar & Grill in Devizes always does a special menu on top of the grill menu for Valentines, and to top it off they give all the ladies a heart balloon and heart chocolates too. Which is one away from flirting with your chick eh?! Still, the Moonrakers is such a superb eatery I’d let them off. Yeah, whatever, take her to the cinema, I’m staying here to finish this steak!

 
The Bistro in Devizes have the last few tables still available for their Nuit D’amour menu; this one could be the most romantic Valentines, like, ever.

But get in touch quickly if you’d like to reserve a table at either, or you’ll be disappointed and end up meeting me at the chippy. I’ll be the one under the Pukka Pies poster with a haddock on my head, wearing a battered sausage for a tie and nervously holding a beautiful bouquet of pickled gherkins.

 
That’s all folks, hope it all goes well! And if so, Jefferson’s would like to remind you studs, they’ll be open for their best breakfasts in town the morning after!

Your woodland areas need you!

Devizes Town Council has taken on the lease for Belvedere Woods, which stretches between Dyehouse Lane and Quakers Walk, to allow all local residents to use it as a new link path between Quaker’s Walk and the canal.

 
In taking on these woods, the Town Council hopes to replicate the type of area enjoyed by those who live close to Drew’s Pond Wood to the South of the Town.

 
They are currently working on improving the wood and access and are looking to create natural pathways before the area is officially opened on Friday 2nd March.

 
There will be an open day on Saturday 24th February from 10am until 2pm to work on the paths and to carry out a general clear up. If you are keen to help, please come along to the Cemetery Chapel at 10am and get set to work!

 
Tea, coffee and biscuits will be provided through the day to keep morale high!

It’s the same nauseating Conservative ethos which finds a hundred-billion quid for a nuclear weapon system, despite a cold war since 1947 without major incident, and with the same purse, neglects education, cuts housing and abandons a celebrated healthcare system, which locally ramps up parking charges over 12% to pay for a failing transport system, in the wake of a proposed Devizes train station.

 
Yeah, no trip down memory lane intro on today’s column, just a full-frontal, futile unadulterated bombast; that’s why you’re here isn’t it?!

 
Good, good, hate to think I’m getting like a stuck record taking pot-shots at Wiltshire Council, but if they glanced off their Tory plinth and smelt the overboiled hypocrisy once a while, they might slither off the No Surprises hitlist. As if it bothers them; hardly likely to slice into their stout wallets.

 
Raising charges, taking away free parking on Sundays and Bank Holidays, crucifying Town Council’s allowance to free event parking in November and December, yep the only decoration on this year’s town Christmas tree, if we get one, will be a tinselly parking ticket. Will it matter if no one can afford to park and it’s just the few stragglers fallen out of Spoons who turn up?

 
You think I’m kidding? Once charges are introduced you won’t be able to even traditionally verbally abuse the traffic warden; body video cameras will be introduced to “protect civil enforcement officers.” What’s this world coming to when you can’t even take out your frustrations with a duplicitous regime on an innocent guy working to put food on the table? For crying out loud; We. Are. Not. Savages. How much does a blinking body-video suit cost? If WC wasn’t so stringent people wouldn’t get annoyed, pester wardens, and haven’t need for body-video suits; small-time, Trident-style niggle.

 
Cabinet member for highways and transport, Cllr Bridget Wayman waffled, “If we are to continue providing public transport services we need additional income from parking,” the Gazette stressed the £4.143m excess between income from car parking charges and public transport expenditure. But hello, is it tricky for a councillor to comprehend huge parking increases in market towns will cripple already struggling businesses and shops will close, thus leaving little point in taking a frigging bus to town anyway?

 
City folk enrage if the LCD tells of a one minute tube delay, would find our perspective amusing, to hear how we take a tent to the bus stop, just in case. But whoa there, just a cotton-picking minute…our future bus journey may be a shuttle-bus to an all-new shiny train station, which, with a couple of jackpot lottery wins you might just be able to afford a train to get you out of this God forsaken county!

 
Oh yeah, the Gazette released whispers within the walls that the newly formed Devizes Development Partnership are keen as mustard to lobby Network Rail and the Department of Transport for the Devizes Parkway station to be “a thing” by 2022, provided Trump hasn’t triggered a world war by then.

 
Cast your mind back to an original episode of No Surprises, back when it was funny, and recall I polled for one thing you’d like to see return to Devizes, yeah, that’s right; here it is: and if you can’t be bothered to read this, the result was unanimously a station.

 
So chairman of the partnership, Peter Lay, isn’t wrong when he told the paper, “Devizes is the largest town in Wiltshire that does not have access to rail transport and we want to change that as soon as possible.” The town will back this idea.

But I’m not so sure when he continues, “Our group believes we have found the perfect location for our station.” The Clock Inn park on the A342 is three and a half miles from the town centre, can anyone see an issue here? You’re going to have to take a bus, or pay to park at the station. Rowde is half a mile less than this to the town centre and that costs approximately £3.60 bus fare, given this the bus is going to be at least £4, or £8 return. Let’s say a family of four would be £32, not governing inflation by 2022, it’s going to burn £32 from your wallet just to get to the train station, just to wait to be ripped off by Network Rail. But to drive and park at the station…….well, given current rises as discussed, it doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

 
Someone, favourably with a brain, needs to sit down and explain to WC that it doesn’t matter if you raise parking charges, the result will be less people will park, not because they’re rebelling but they simply cannot afford to (online shopping ring a bell?) It doesn’t matter if you build a train station, backing the need to improve dire public transport, if no one has the cash for a ticket. It doesn’t matter if you build a flipping space-station with a direct shuttle-link from the Trowvegas Gateway Shopping Centre. What needs to happen is so simple, but so fair it’s transparent to the Tory understanding; equalise the economy, ensure lower classes can afford to pay for parking and transport tickets; abracadabra.

 
Nice as a choo-choo calling at Devizes after a fifty year absence may sound, we need to consider improving the existing infrastructure first; fix the potholes, reduce speed limits at blackspots, give police funds to monitor speeding idiots. You know though senior councillors will only respond by giving it the old, “but how do we afford all this stuff if we don’t raise parking charges?” These are, after all, not the same senior councillors who awarded themselves at 16% pay rise, over £19,000 PA, in the wake of 252 junior staff posts being axed in a voluntary redundancy programme – (source: Marlborough News.) Oh, hold on, yeah, yeah they are.

 
Doughnuts; need I say more?

I was four in 1977, the year of the Silver Jubilee. I recall a tonnage of bunting at our local recreation ground, though it’s vague. One sentiment glued in my head is frustration, with my parents the following morning.

I’d been given a silver spoon with the crest of the jubilee, they were of the opinion it was something to treasure, to keep in mint condition, as one day, I was told, it’d be worth a fortune. I disagreed; sure was a lovely spoon, made sense to me it should have the honour of being used to eat my Coco Pops with.

I snivelled in our kitchen; mum, adamant I wasn’t going to use it to eat my cereal, finally caved, telling me the spoon would be ruined and I’d be sorry when I grew up. I did use the spoon, and continued to use it right into my mid-twenties, when the crest was long gone and it rusted to a state of disrepair.

It was futile to expect a four-year-old to comprehend sentimental value, but till this day I’m not materialistic, I’d sooner something be functional than retaining it for visual nostalgia. When studying art history I focussed on tribal art as they put design into their tools, as nomadic it’s pointless to carry unnecessary items for their aesthetical value.

Dating from the Norman era, the Church of St Mary the Virgin in New Park Street is one of the most important buildings in Devizes; it’s Grade 1 listed, amongst the top 2.5% of listed buildings in the country and it’s tower a landmark in town, but no longer in use as a church.

A Conservation Management Plan was produced four years ago at the request of the Salisbury Diocese and passed to a number of consultees; the Diocesan Advisory Board, Wiltshire Development (Planning & Conservation,) Historic England, The Church Building Council, Devizes Town Council and Trust For Devizes.

The St Mary Trust formed a vision, to transform the historic church into a vibrant building for the arts. It’s been a battleground since, initially turned down by Wiltshire Council, appealed, and turned down more times than the dweeb in the first year asking out Tracey Slater, the fittest chick in sixth form.

The grounds for their decision; WC planning officer, Mike Wilmott said, “This is a contemporary addition to a very old building. This will make substantial harm to the setting of this building,” and accused the group of blackmail, which, with all due respect, sounds to me like a crock of shit.

Nobody’s proposing holding a Special Brew anarchist’s sadomasochist brawl, or asking West Ham and Milwall fans to settle their differences with a monster truck rally. It’s just a few mild-mannered Devizions wanting space to perform some music and theatre.

By my reckoning, the modern regime we burden under despises funding arts. They’d rather we wake, work, be content watching Homes under the Hammer, sleep and repeat.

There’s a meeting to be held at 7.30pm on February 1 at the church, chaired by St Marys Future Group.  The churchwarden, Tony Storer explained to the Gazette, “The purpose is to review what has happened over the past two years, including a presentation outlining the Conservation Management Plan, developed with advice from the Salisbury Diocese.”

In the uncertainty, I hope the meeting doesn’t conclude that anything is better than being left redundant and the church gets used for something-or-other, like, I dunno, selling off for an antiques shop disguised by a fancy name, or slapping up two-thousand shoebox sized flats, just for the sake of it. I wouldn’t have eaten any old, budget-range chocolate rice pops with my jubilee spoon, had to be Coco-Pops.

An art gallery, café, charity base, use by another congregation, craft workshop, theatre, and a drop-in centre are all decent suggestions. After permitted TITCO performances, such as the brilliant and apt Sister Act, it’s clear, acoustically and functionally, St Marys would make an awesome arts centre, which would need a café for intervals, and when no performances are happening, it’d be perfect for all the other suggestions; hey, a multi-purpose arts centre, why not?

A similar pursuit for an Arts Centre in Calne is under discussion, using the Grove building. Town councillor Terry Couchman informed me he’s “desperate to get some individual and group outline proposals of how they would like to use the Grove. Without these brief declarations and interest it’s going to be a tough fight with Wiltshire Council.”

I pondered with Terry, after explaining about St Marys; “I wonder if they’ll try similar on the Grove, although it’s not an old church?”

“They want to sell it for building,” he sighed, “to the highest bidder.” Why doesn’t this surprise me? Again, there’s a Town Council Meeting in Calne on 5^th Feb, see the Calne in Tune Project Facebook page.

The Rev Canon Paul Richardson, St Mary’s Rector said it all, without adding things about monster truck rallies like me; “Without development of St Mary’s Church for community use it will be closed, and its future conservation is by no means secure. There is no harm to the building; there is minimum impact on its setting and the conservation area. There is a clearly identified and acknowledged public need that outweighs that minimum impact.”

Unless WC can see logic, like my rusted, worthless spoon, St Marys and the Grove will be hidden away, considered too aesthetically pleasing to be functional for art, which is kinda the same thing isn’t it? So come on Wiltshire Council, as we see our amenities fast diminishing, such as the hub of Brickstead and Eastleigh Rd, The Cavalier, isn’t it about time to bring something fresh to these market towns?

If I’d only kept the spoon, I’d bop them on the nose with it. I Googled it, you can buy a mint one on eBay for £1:99; worthless now, there wasn’t a need to treasure it, just saying.

St Mary’s Trust 

Future Use Seminar 1st Feb @ St Marys, Devizes

The Devizes Festival of Winter Ales does what it says on the tankard, but it isn’t just about drinking Kennet and Avon Brewery winter ales and ciders in the cosy Corn Exchange.

Now I’m not talking about this year’s warming musical performances by Rob Lear and the Drystones, or even, dare I say it, the chance to catch Rod Laver’s vaudevillian ping-pong mouth juggling, which might be worth the price-tag itself.

No, you see, the festival is a fundraising event for DOCA, The Devizes Outdoor Celebratory Arts, and we all love the many free events they put on in our town, like the Devizes International Street Festival, Devizes Carnival and the Christmas Lantern Parade.

The Festival of Winter Ales helps DOCA meet the costs of their outstanding programme, which costs thousands to create. Think of all those fireworks last Christmas, the brilliant bands at the street festival or at Hillworth Park; all wracks up you know. We owe it to DOCA to drink some ale and cider, which can be no bad thing!

Those beers won’t drink themselves, so show your support if you can; on the evening of Friday 23rd February, from 4 – 11pm, or Saturday 24th February when the afternoon runs from 11 – 5pm, and evening from 5.30 – 11pm.

Tickets are available for three sessions over the two days, and can be purchased online here: or in person at Devizes Books, The British Lion, The Vaults and the Wadworth’s Visitor Centre. Over 18’s only though you understand.

Christmas has been and gone, oodles of excessive packaging, bounded by gift-wrap, collate with ceaseless magnitudes of biscuits or mince pie boxes, and a massif of void tins and bottles, a testament to an enjoyable few days of merriment.

Now it’s the renowned month of misery, as dark as a heart-to-heart about Morrissey’s downturn with a flu-ridden goth. Yet you choose to read my causerie as if it’s going to help; oh my years. Take the bins out; far more entertaining.

I love being environmentally friendly, love the fact we’ve gone from sturdy metal bins that’d have lasted a hundred years to lightweight plastic ones which will luckily last five; sense in that?

Risking a rupture, I raise my right leg and pull myself into our recycling wheelie-bin, joining the foresaid rubbish mountain. Like a grape-crushing winemaker I stomp, squashing contents down. I lose a slipper, ones my daughter bought me too.

Now, at a lower level inside the bin, comes the finale of my party trick; amidst yogurt pots and milk cartons, I must locate the lost slipper with toes, slip it back on, then cock my leg like a ballerina at the Vienna State Opera and attempt to clamber out, distributing my weight to avoid it tipping and wriggling raised feet to avoid slippers making another break for it; opps, nearly dropped me fag.

Even compressed and refilled it’s still as light as a feather. So light in fact, that my efforts are wasted because, like everyone else in our town, I’ve failed to take heed of the Council’s yuletide collection modifications, mimicking the neighbour’s behaviour for assembling their rubbish for collection despite knowing they’ve no more clue than I. Consequently, it’s the wrong day.

Hello, it is winter; as if a force ten hurricane was unexpected. It sweeps my bin, your bin, and everyone else’s bin along the street, rocking them, tipping them, spewing rubbish into bushes and trees as they journey, littering our once green and pleasant land. If anyone wanted to remake the Dr Who episode “Attack of the Mutant Wheelie Bins,” (classic Tom Baker) they missed an ideal opportunity for filming.

Yes, I love being environmentally friendly. Guilt-ridden I pursue Fruit Shoot bottles down the street, recalling my childhood when the bin-man opened your gate, walked up your back garden path whistling a ditty, tipped his hat, threw your hefty bin over his shoulder, causally made his way to tip it in the truck and returned it back to your garden, still smiling.

No good being nostalgic, life cannot be like this anymore, we have to adhere to health and safety, have to consider there’s too many houses and not nearly enough bin-men, (sorry, refuse collection operatives)  and if we employ more, our council tax would skyrocket.

Like the days police would arrive at traffic jams to direct vehicles, or the post arrived in the morning, these are memories as unattainably returnable as Michael Jackson being the epiphany of cool.

So, someone sulked, “I used to tip the bin-men, I don’t anymore,” as if it’s their fault. “Oi; Refuse Collection Operative; put that Christmas cracker down, swallow your last mouthful of turkey, kiss the nippers bye, get your flipping boots on and pick up my crap before the storm blows it over the downs….oh, and merry Christmas to you too.”

No one blames the toy companies who outsourced production to a sweatshop in some far-flung country, meaning products need to be endlessly bounded with plastic ties, gurt chunks of polystyrene and masses of uncalled-for packaging.

No one blames the media, stirring commercial frenzy in our feeble minds, telling us what we need to buy, how much we need to bestow to our loved ones so they know we love them.

No one blames manufacturing, blasé with exploring and funding innovative concepts in organic packaging in favour of keeping costs low. If you funded them, they’d be standard and costs will drop; idiots.

No one blames politicians, many of whom hell-bent on denying there’s an issue with the environment, convinced it’s a hoax, and only push greener originations to stop a few fuddy-duddy hippies from whinging.  No worries, just shut up, munch your mini eclairs and throw the plastic wrapping into the impending wrath of climate change; some future generation’s problem.

Scientists predict a mini-ice age by 2030, yeah what do they know; they’re only scientists and, obviously, full of it? I can’t wrap my head around this ridiculous climate change conspiracy theory. Please tell me no one in Tory-Town Devizes believes this foolish fundamentalist bollocks?

Tell you what wise-guy, look around you; we’ve a few colder days but it’s supposed to be January for crying out loud into an unused snood. Nature doesn’t know if it coming or going. Plants are like “eh, what, is it time to bud now?”

Venture outside early and hear birds singing their spring song already, they don’t know if it’s mating season, migration or what to-buggery is going on. I wager they adopt the same ethos as me with the bins; wait and see what the neighbours do and when. They’re like, “hey Bob, we supposed to be migrating or what?” Bob is all like, “dunno pal, hoping you’d tell me.”

Forget not, these are the same group of ninnies certain the world is flat. Despite: YOU. CAN. SEE. IT. Climb a mountain, a skyscraper will suffice; you can see the curvature of the Earth.

Garth Brooks; I’ll tolerate. McDonalds; might munch one occasionally. But do we have to adopt this bonkers American credence? I’ll tell you what’s flat shall I? Your flipping brain is. Flat, and about the same dimensions as a postage stamp.

Take your flipping gear out of reverse, we must do what we can even if it works or if it doesn’t, least we can say we tried.

There, that cheered you up? I’m getting out of the wheelie-bin now.

With barely enough time to tack another mirror to their Lambrettas, The Devizes Scooter Club is zooming forward with a Bad Manners Tribute band on April 28^th at their regular venue, the Conservative Club.

After booking Northern Soul DJ Terry Hendrick for 24^th Feb and hosting a 70s/80s disco on 31^st March, are they out to put a gig on monthly? I asked the Colonel of the club Adam Ford. “We’ve got six dates in 2018 so far,” he told me; bookmark 30th June, 25th August and the 27th October in your busy diary rude boys and girls.

Now you don’t have to be a Tiswas devotee to know the music of Bad Manners, surely? Formed in 1976 in North London, the Two-Tone band had enormous success with several notable hits you can’t help but dance to.

I recall seeing them at Level Three in Swindon in the nineties, on a tangent, it’s sad to hear the news Sheer’s night with Frank Turner will be the last gig there. A sad day for Swindon’s music scene, the venue and the Rolleston pub next door has been going for as long I can remember. I recall fond nights with the likes of the Skanxters and Zion Train.

Bad Manners though, they gave Millie’s “My Boy Lollipop,” a gender-swap cover, “Lip up Fatty,” was an anthem, “Lorraine,” and “Walking in the Sunshine,” both fantastic, and when they did the Can-Can, even my gran would be shaking a leg at those eighties family parties. Personal favourite though has to be “Special Brew,” which coincidently is the name of the Cardiff-based tribute act heading this event.

We’re just entering our 4th year of playing,” the band’s manager Wayne told me, “Things have gone from strength to strength.”

Of course, irregular frontman Buster Bloodvessel is the main reason for the notoriety of Bad Manners; that belly, baldhead and, well, that tongue. He managed to get them banned from Top of the Pops, and let’s just say the Pope didn’t take to kindly to him, or his backside, either. I asked Wayne if he’d met Buster and if he approved.

“We’ve met Buster a few times,” he continued, “he totally approves of us and appreciates us doing what we do. Angela, our sax player played for Buster and Bad Manners at last year’s Cardiff gig.”

Doubly confirming this tribute act isn’t watering anything down, their frontman goes by the name of Busta Bollock, and sure looks the part.

I asked Wayne for their favourite Bad Manners tune. “I guess each member has their own favourite but as a band we’d have to say Lip Up Fatty,” he answered, which didn’t help my patience any in anticipating April 28^th; can’t wait!

Special Brew @ The Cons Club: April 28th 2018

What makes the ideal husband you might ask; what’s that honey, you woke me up?

One made of chocolate and praline perhaps, one who can fix the broken drain in just cut-off jeans and still smells like rosewood and patchouli, one who folds his socks in pairs might be adequate; I don’t know, maybe Oscar Wilde has a better answer than me. That is where the Wharf Theatre in Devizes comes in.

So yes ladies, the Ideal Husband is at the Wharf, rather than yours who is snoozing on the sofa, cuddling a bowl of cheesy puffs with his hand down his pants. Running from Friday 26th January to Saturday 3rd February, the Wharf’s next production is Oscar Wilde’s brilliant tale of political scandal.

Wilde introduces his audience to a young, highly respected politician, whose murky past comes to light at just the wrong moment. Lord Chiltern is on his way up and is being spoken of as a possible future Prime Minister. He is considered morally upright without a stain on his character and his wife, Mabel, considers him an ideal husband.

However it soon emerges that his meteoric rise was not without compromise and an early indiscretion leaves him wide open to blackmail; tales of political scandal are nothing new.

Tickets are now on sale at £12 with £10 concessions and can be purchased from the Devizes Community Hub and Library on Sheep Street, the Wharf Theatre website wharftheatre.co.uk or call: 03336 663 366

Last Christmas I gave you my heart. Still got it, cos I could do with it back? Let’s face it valiantly, 2017 can be summed up in a word; “crap.”

Just another year of government mendacities, spending cuts, and tyrannical deviations to make Britain as great as our new passports. Blue is the colour of cold and remoteness, just saying.

Another year where bulletins of worldwide terrorist attacks, terrible environmental tragedies and threats of internal conflict and war dwindle fast, to make room for the next horror story, and the poorest writhe under misguided pronouncements from bigoted world leaders, while ladies cut holes in their Christmas jumpers to make their boobs look like reindeers; we took the rough with the smooth.

Locally, pubs close faster than you can finish your drink in them, while Facebook pages spawn like rabbits. Everything feels as fake and plastic as Donald Trump’s suntan, and the world as spiteful as his Twitter profile. All’s well that ends well working the other way, even this No Surprises is nothing more than a clip-show; what a rip off.

I opened the year after the Boxing Day massacre, and sided with the fox: I’m on a wind up because, despite its illegality, thousands gathered on Boxing Day to blatantly flaunt the law and, just like they do to their children, they rub the blood in the face of anyone who might feel it slightly unfair on the fox by unveiling their crime in the native newspaper, as if what they did was acceptable behaviour; shame on the Gazette for passing such conceited pugnacious dribble off as an innocuous pageant.

This one, I’m sure you’ll appreciate, went down like a lead balloon at a ban lead-balloon-popping protest. Still not much changes, this Boxing Day they gathered in Pewsey, among other locations across the country. The only difference now is the ones claiming no harm is done seem to have found a novel activity; beat the protester with a horsewhip.

Our hate for foxes came to an apex when some idiot nicked the Basil Brush RNL collection box from the Little Brittox, but I’d already turned my attention to the A303 at Stonehenge: dodgy as an atomic-powered milk-float on a mountain footpath, used like an ultramodern autobahn by selfie-taking headless chickens, the proposed 1.4 billion squid to entomb traffic in a carbon monoxide tube for 1.8 miles, and campaigners complained, it’s not long enough; as if it was bound to happen when the council can’t even repair a pothole.

Then scaremongering weather warnings that were never to be sparked a trip down memory lane when Paul Baker, Sue Linsley, Patricia Besant, Ron Bridewell, Caroline Hubbard Reid and a chap with the unfortunate name of OAP Kev recollected snowy days of yore in Devizes. The column was getting nice again, until teenagers were caught uttering naughty words in Morrisons by Facebook PC philanthropists.

So I flipped open Pandora’s Box, asking The Devises Issue group, not for their reaction to the criticism teenagers received, but to prove the stereotype wrong. We covered many decent activities local youth do, from Arthur Plumb fire-juggling on a unicycle to the Bratton Silver Band and Phoenix Brass, the Cadets to Devizes Youth Club, and highlighted MACs and Centre Stage Academy of Dance.

Rubbing salt into whinger’s wounds, we heard a most memorable guest; the fantastic Freya Pigott, who talked about the Wiltshire Assembly of Youth and the UK Youth Parliament: “we find ourselves conflicting with Wiltshire Council,” she told us, “as we often stand up against cuts to public transport and youth services, while calling for more funding for mental health services.”  Shame it doesn’t feel like they listened, cutting more than Mary Whitehouse editing Debbie Does Dallas.

I reckon we did justice for youth though, showed up pigeonholing “grownups,” while our own MP unleashed some serious drivel, comparing hysterical Brexiteers to jihadists: It was more irrational outburst than a cheap-shot rebellious kvetch, her only intention seemingly to earn a permit to appear on the tele-box.” And she did, where she proceeded to ignore Billy Bragg and over-shout senior obnoxious cow, Anne Widdecombe: “Did you catch “the World According to Claire Perry Show,” with guests including David Dimbleby, incorrectly scheduled by the BBC as Question Time? She fumbled humble pie but it fell on the floor before she had the opportunity to eat it. Her annoyance with Brexiteers soon dissolved to mindless obedience to the Tory line.

After winter, came….yeah, potholes. I fell into Potterne’s craters, slightly more filled in than the A360 upon asking Wiltshire Council the procedures for pothole repairs. The vagueness of their response was a contributing factor to the path No Surprises would take; when dealing with the Council I found it best to just make stuff up rather than ask. The ethos peaked over the hysteria of parking charges to punish local business.

Attempts to hop back to the good foot, including chatting to Devizes-born Chris Astill-Smith, on his mission to swim the channel. I thanked the Great Western Hospital Foundation, providing space for the Devizes Foodbank and was even nice about Claire Perry’s assistance with it. Also, it was cool talking to Wadworth’s sign-painter David Young, after he rubbed shoulders with Prince Charles.

Seemed spring was brightening up, but then Peter Blockley of the Devizes Lions announced the club was unable to comply with Wiltshire Council’s interpretation of regulations: “We’re very sorry for any disappointment felt by the public, who have always supported this event.” Tradition couldn’t save the May Fair this year for fear of terrorist attack: Maybe the Council has a point, I’m angered by all the terrorist attacks at events in Devizes; Christmas light switch on I saw a bearded foreigner, probably one of those Lapland extremists, on the roof of the Bear Hotel with some kind of electrical devise. The next thing, I heard explosions.

A surge in annoyance developed, being Wiltshire, with the lowest crime rates in the country, but peculiarly, police Taser usage above national average, celebrated the incongruity with Chief Constable Mike Veale handing out Tasers to: any old PC Tom, Dick, or Dirty Harry. And even more frustrating, his reasoning: It’s all these darn terrorist attacks happening in our God forsaken county.

So with staying in being the new going out, fear of being Tasered, I created a poll to find the best takeaway in town: it’s more important than the EU referendum. Bit naff, but the following week I did a prodigious piece on gender equality at the Devizes to Westminster Canoe Race, and the inspiring tale of Sheila Burnett, who disguised her gender to enter. Similarly I advocated the virtue of girl’s football; Things I do to get out of doghouse. I even, like a premonition of Devizine, previewed the summer festivities, moaning “what do I look like now, some kind of event guide?” Pleasant topics; if I knew then what I……oh, forget it.

But with spanners dressing as Muslims to protest about the cancelation of the May Fair, a new pub landlord trying to paint over ceiling murals sacred to crop-circlers, a surge in dog owners tying poo-bags to trees, and not forgetting, of course, our trustworthy Prime Minister nobody voted for, who clearly stated she wouldn’t call a snap election, suddenly calling a snap election, it was reasonable to suggest all hell would break loose. Who’d have flunked it?

We managed a tenacious link from doggy-poo bags to the current state of Parliament, which wasn’t tricky: Better still; train your pooch to poo in your own garden rather than leave it to the heroic CUDS and Green Party’s Geoff Brewer, who have been tidying discarded poo sacks in Drew’s Pond Wood, the worst affected area of Devizes. At last, here’s a councillor cleaning poo rather than dishing it out.

One way forward; interview prospective local candidates, as if they had a chance. We started with the most radical, Dr Emma Dawnay of the Green Party: “We are not a single issue party!” Emma assured, “we have policies across the board which will increase wellbeing and give people the financial motivation to live in a more sustainable manner. For me our economic policies, on tax, investment and the monetary system – are more important than rules on, for instance, plastic bags, as they will have a far wider impact. I’m a political economist, and it is the Green Party’s economic policies that convinced me to become Green.”

Then Labour’s Imtiyaz Shaikh under the spotlight: who is surprisingly optimistic in his attempt to gain against the bigger kids in this game of musical chairs. It was becoming clear with my notion: Least we can be sure; the Conservative Party will remain callous organisms, unreliable as Charles Ponzi at the My Little Pony Friendship Club AGM. No apologies, this is not the Beeb. The chance of impartiality here equals the chance of Tories sticking to their manifesto, the furnace was warming.

Now, expectedly a few obnoxious right-wing fanatics, too thick to see the satire through their hateful agenda tried laughably to verbally attack me personally, so we took a fortnight away from politics where I dressed as Wilber, the Air Ambulance bear at the brilliant Calne-Fest, had an adventure on the wheels of steel at the Devizes Scooter Club Family Fun Day and chatted to Sam Bishop of Devizes-own pop band Larkin, all the time never really believing Claire Perry would take the No Surprises podium.

But she did, and I interviewed the key person to all the shenanigans. Like a true politician, she avoided answering every question, and not one Tory sympathiser appreciated my unbiased effort anyway: Claire was keen to contradict herself, “We’re not entering a coalition with the DUP. The Conservative party is the only party forming the UK Government. We are entering talks with the DUP to ask if they will be willing to support us in those key votes on a confidence and supply basis. This does not mean we are entering into a relationship with the DUP, or that we support them.” Sake!

Despite a naked cyclist and phantom adolescent bum slapper at large, I insisted on a group huggle. We yakked to clothed Seend cyclist and pork pie lover, Jennifer Dalton, who with her friend John Whalley took part in the Deloitte Ride across Britain, and Poulshot farmer Nicole Pegg, who sadly had her livestock attacked by a dog. That though was the tip of the iceberg of bad news in Devizes, with the sabotage of the Jubilee woods and two paedophile arrests made, things too bleak to mention. So I proposed we look to carnival as revitalisation, until a dog bit me and I spent the parade slouching in Swindon’s A&E eating Wotzits. DOCA though have done us proud, with an excellent Hillworth Picnic and awesome street festival, forgotten by the public when new arrangements for the Christmas Parade needed ironing, and an electrical issue saw Santa booed.

Celebrations afoot, below Ian Diddams’ hashtag #nothingeverhappensindevizes I set to prove, despite the filthy top-heavy Tory ethos, Devizes is great, and there’s plenty to do. Since Facebookers lamented there was no single what’s-on guide, although there was, but updated as often as the Doomsday Book, I hit upon a revelation. The moisture of the Earth, the powers of the sun and moon, all worked upon a certain writer, old as creation, and he became magically fertile!

Yeah, whatever, that first egg was named, “No Surprises Living in Devizes.” The father Bud said, “With No Surprises, we make fun of Devizes.” Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch. From it came a stone cold website.

The nature of Devizine was irresponsible!

It certainly kept my mind preoccupied from the terrible cause of events in my personal life. My Dad suffered a stroke at the beginning of the year and never recovered. It left that inspiring, kind man severely physically and mentally disabled. Tuesdays when I usually wrote my column I’d spend driving to London after work to see him. The column therefore became sporadic, not as polished and often the satire was lost. To the point where some thought they’d kick me when I was down, and No Surprises downgraded from amusing causerie to “spam,” worthy of blocking and reporting to Facebook; nothing to do with the convenient reawakening of the official town website, obviously.

There were times I found it hard to be humorous, returning from a hospital where ninety-five percent Caucasian patients were nursed day and night by kindly foreign faces only to read the posts of xenophobic yokels claiming immigrants were choking the NHS by taking all the beds. Yeah, they’re taking the beds and cleaning our shit off them. Fancy doing this job when you scare them into Europe you moron?

Oh my years; you love it really! Truly, I want Devizine and No Surprises be something for the real people of Devizes, and beyond, to enjoy and share; not certain why some are against this; is it cos I is as common as muck dropped from the mudguards of Nigel Farage’s Land Rover, or cos I sway leftward like Jeremy’s vest on the washing line during Hurricane Harvey? I know it’s illegal to have alternative opinions over this state border. Like a dogmatic Footloose Kevin Bacon, I’ll kick Sunday shoes off to new avenues in the coming year, regardless of rubrics.

Between folds of crisis then, my father sadly passing in October, I managed bashing out a few No Surprises columns, verbally attacking fly-tippers, attending the Devizes Country Music Club, praising Jeannette Von Berg and her team who insure no one is alone at Christmas and I visited The St Johns Parish Rooms to see the amazing work of Devizes Opendoor. I consider these worthy.

So, I thank everyone who has been featured in No Surprises this year, especially Ms Perry for being a good sport. And I dedicate this final feature to the fond memories of my Dad. Here’s to a better year; 2018, I wish you all the best.

Devizine and No Surprises will live long and prosper, it’d be illogical not to support them Captain.

2017? Yeah, bye then, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. 2018 you know is gonna be shinier, funnier and darn right saucy; it’s just got that ring to it, innit tho?

So where are YOU going to be, mediating in a field of leftover Quality Street wrappers, wallowing in self-pity and taking blotto selfies with the dog, weeping into a giant bag of Twiglets on your Jack Jones? Or is there, maybe, a party with your name drunkenly etched all over it in fantabulous glitter-pen?

Well, here are all the events I’ve got down for New Year’s Eve on Devizine so far. If you know of something better and want to keep it to yourself, like the solo Twiglet eating championships happening on your sofa, then keep it to yourself, but if perchance, you know something we don’t and really, really, really-really, really want to share your occasion  (I would call it part-ay, but I’m told by cool people it’s no more a ‘cool’ term than the original ‘party’ and should  never be used in cool circles, in actual fact, party is now considered cooler than part-ay,) then, where the jumping jeepers was I?

Oh yeah, tell us all about it and I’ll, eventually, get around to mentioning it on here, probably be new year’s eve 2019, but there you go.

So it now leaves me to tell you the options, stop babbling and wish you all a very happy 2018!

Option One: Find Surprises in Devizes

The Three Crowns has the excellent People Like Us: Ticket Only, £7 from the pub in advance.

and Funked Up play The Black Horse, Devizes to be followed by a disco.

The popular Burbank are live at the Crown: Free entry for this one.

There’s a Masquerade Ball at the Exchange Nightclub, £7 for the night, with spot prizes and confetti shower.

Victoria returns to the Conservative Club with a disco too, £10 members, £13 others

DJ Ramon spins party tunes at the Southgate; free.

DJ Eddy is at the Cross Keys in Rowde; free.

Option Two: Go a tad further

Party covers band, The Magic Tones head the party at the Market Lavington Community Hall, with the stamp of the Market Lavington Music and Comedy Club, should be a good one: Tickets  £25, under 18’s £10 but includes a buffet.

Stealth’s Roadshow head a child-friendly New Year’s Eve party with music and karaoke, at the Woodborough Social Club: £10 Members, £15 Non-Members, Children £5, Includes a Ploughman’s Supper; Tickets from the club.

Bath’s The Blue Moon Band will be a safe bet at the Mallard, Lynham

Our very own Larkin boys are at The Swan in Great Shefford

Or try The Granary at The George in Frome with Lloyd Edwards live

Option Three: Head for Marlborough

The Wellington Arms on the High Street host Skanga’s sound system New Year’s Eve party for ravers, and it’s free!

Option Four: Get yourself over to Swindon town

Peloton’ play Mod, punk, sixties and seventies soul and RnB at the Victoria; free (I think.)

The Britpop Boys play the Grove’s Company Inn, £10 ticket for this one.

Marlborough’s Onyx Duo play the Rat Trap

Last Option other than the field of Quality Street wrappers: Go West

How about an unforgettable funk, soul and retro grooves takeover with Craig Charles and the  James Taylor Quartet, The Correspondents  and Don Letts @ at Colston Hall, Bristol?

Failing this, Zion have a ‘Battle of the DJs’, a live set from ‘The Road Zombies’ and a disco until the early hours. 

Whatever happens, let us know how it went and have a great new year! The first gig of 2018 is at the Red Lion Lacock on News Years Day; check out the brilliant Sound Affects.

Nine more sleeps. Yeah, you read it right; I’m talking about the release date of Larkin’s debut album, “Set You Free.” What did you think I was on about?

We’ve chatted to Sam Bishop while still in the studio some months ago (here.) We covered their thoughts and longings for this recording; we discussed the crowdfunding aspect, revealed their creative influences and writing practises.

Now we get to hear the results, and I hand it to the Devizes domestic duo, working with Martin Spencer at the Badger Set in Potterne, they’re sounding astoundingly polished and proficient, with a maturity which sets this release as a firm turning point.

The positive up-tempo “Never Too Late” kicks off the all new eight tracks with a catchy guitar riff and chorus of fiddles; it’s fresh but retains the definitive principle of a classic Brit-pop anthem.

Then, when Larkin show us their shadier side with “Solace in the Dark,” a plodding and moodier tune with echoes of The Verve’s Bitter Sweet Symphony, you know this album is going somewhere, somewhere deeply mindful and expressive. However, “Talk” rolls me back to the clear, lighter-sided Simon & Garfunkel influence.

It’s a progressive journey from there, “Final Hour,” being the finest example of their topmost vocal expression with spine-tingling melancholic reverberations, and melodic “For You,” being the foot-tapper which keeps jolting my laptop as I write.

While “Walk Away” continues on the causal buoyancy tone, the last tune, “Where to Run,” gets even more upbeat and blithe, and makes a great finale to a darn fine album. Devizes should be proud of these guys; it has the finger-marks and expressive vocals of a very promising career.

To celebrate this release, shoved in-between Christmas and New Year, on the 30^th December, Larkin invite all to hear them perform the album, with promises of some covers slipped in and support band, at Cons Club. Tickets just a fiver will include a 50% off voucher for a CD copy of the album. Doors open at 7.30pm, with the support band starting at 8pm.

“We want this to be a special night,” Sam and Fin say, “Hear the album before anyone else!!” What else are you going to be doing on that date, cabbaged on the sofa stuffing dry turkey sandwiches and watching the Enders Christmas special?

The Larkin lads go on to explain how hard they’ve worked towards this, and when you hear the album you’ll know it’s true.

30th December at the Cons Club: https://www.facebook.com/events/1950236541902178/

Pre-order Set you Free on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/set-you-free/1326890936

The Devizes Dash is the must-have board game this Christmas and it’s FREE to all Devizine Readers.

“It’s a fun game for all the Family,”

Wiltshire Council, Department of Neighbourhood and Planning

Christmas; time for relaxing with the family, caving into commercialisation, wrapping sausages with bacon, and perhaps, playing some games.

Here then is Devizine’s gift to you this yuletide; an entertaining game with local appeal, which’ll soon make you forget all the rushing around, traffic jams and stress of the build up to this profitmaking shenanigan.

Before you begin; take some Evening Primrose Oil, along with a shot of vodka or four, then, print out the two images below and stick them together to make the game board. You need to source some counters to act as vehicles, and dice. Yeah, you do have to sort them out yourselves; do I look like flipping Waddingtons to you?

Object of the game; to make your way through a town centre and be the first to finish; sounds simple eh?  Not when I tell you the town is good ol’ Devizes, a place where infrastructure is a swear word and town planning is just something other towns, somewhere else, do.

Yep, it’s 5PM on a Friday in our modest settlement. Your mission: to make it along the A361 from Beckhamton, through town, and back onto the A361 to Trowbridge. You can take any route (the outcome will be the same anyway,) to accomplish the incredible. Throw a six to start and try not to get stuck in traffic for too long or you’ll be slapped with a parking ticket.

Note: Potholes and road-works have been omitted from the board game to save space, just take it for red that you’ll encounter them on nearly every square.

You have fun now, y’hear.

After a series of successful ska nights, The Devizes Scooter Club plans to diversify their Conservative Club evenings for the forthcoming year. With parallel commitment to retrospective panache, the 31^st March offers an optional fancy-dress 70s-80s disco; get your legwarmers and deely-boppers out the loft.

But they kick off 2018 on the 24^th February, when renowned DJ Terry Hendrick graces Devizes for a Northern Soul – Motown extravaganza, and tickets have gone on sale this weekend.

I confess, of the genres combined into this rebirth of mod culture of yore, I’ve an enigmatic relationship with Northern Soul. For starters, the music is no more indigenous to Northern England than the Cornish pasty, rather US rare groove soul and RnB. But it was the choicest category for Mods of Northern towns that flocked to Covent Garden record stores in the sixties hunting rarities before football games.

In fact, the brand “Northern Soul” wasn’t even coined by some high-kicking Yorkshire lad in a tank-top, rather by London record shop owners to distinguish the archaic variety of soul hailed by these Northern vinyl predators, as opposed to upcoming funk and disco welcomed more by Londoners.

However, upon really listening to these rare grooves I’ve taken them under my eclectic wing, considering Motown’s restraints to a definite commercial style isn’t evident in these jumbles. Dynamic, raw energy and experimentation defines the sound. To insure there’s little doubt, I caught up with Terry Hendrick, for a chat prior to his visit.

Due to the record collection Terry amassed in the mid-eighties, he volunteered to DJ for his scooter club. “We decided to hold a do,” he told me, “and invite the local scooter clubs. A couple of other club members and I hired turntables, etc. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and other scooter clubs asked if I could DJ their club do’s as well, that’s when I got hooked.”

Being from Coventry, Two-Tone homeland, Terry was soon being booked to support the likes or The Selecter, The Beat, Bad Manners and Neville Staple. His name grew from there, supporting late, great singers like Prince Buster, Desmond Dekker, Judge Dread and Laurel Aitken, and from reggae group Misty in Roots, right up to modern bands; Dreadzone, The Dualers, The Skints and Skabilly Rebels.

But the conversion to Northern Soul, I had to ask.  “Alongside playing a lot of ska and reggae events,” Terry continued, “the scooter club do’s liked to hear Motown and Northern Soul, which I’d been buying steadily since my first scooter rally in 1985. I was finding, by the late 80’s, friends were asking me to play more Northern Soul, to the point that 75% of my gigs were purely based around this genre.”

So, out of his vast vinyl collection, I asked Terry for his favourite. “If I had to choose one genre, then it would probably be roots reggae, as that’s what I was brought up listening to in Coventry before the 2-Tone explosion happened. But there’s nothing quite like playing great Northern Soul tracks and seeing the passion within the dancers faces; it’s a great scene to be a part of.”

Here’s its niche then, it’s a positive, fluctuating scene, with unique and competitive dances moves, a love affair with the pursuit of rare records which would otherwise be lost in the midst of time.

Indisputably cool to witness authentic vinyl DJs these days, I wondered how Terry felt about CD and computer mixers, though I predicted his response! “As I was brought up on an era way before CDs, the only choice was Vinyl, and that’s where my pocket money went as a youngster,” he explained.

“I do believe the sound quality of vinyl is far superior to any digital sound, and I think depending on the genre of music you’re playing and venue, then CD’s have their place, but, unfortunately there are too many out there, that download free off YouTube onto a 10 pence blank CD, and all of a sudden think they’re a DJ. Using Vinyl requires a lot of concentration and skill in not only searching through your box of singles for what to play, but the setting up correctly of the turntables and in the cueing of the track to be played.”

Terry operates under the banner, “Soul Pressure Sound System.” I asked if this was a solo affair, or a network of DJs? “It’s something I started back in the early 90’s, and has been a mainly solo venture until recently,” Terry answered, telling me how he taught his partner Hayley Cuell, and friend, Paul Arnold, who now fly the flag, regularly guesting alongside him.

Most importantly for us, I wanted to know what Devizes can expect to hear on 24^th Feb; does Terry play to the crowd, or favour to introduce them to rare grooves. “The tracks I’ll be playing will be a mixture of the classics we all love, also some up tempo RnB,” he convinced me hook, line and sinker. “The beginning will be a lot of the lesser well known tracks, hopefully introducing some great new tunes to people’s ears.”

Just think; they could be your lovely little lobes Terry’s on about! You can get tickets, (£7 advance/£8 on door) from the Cons Club, join the Devizes Scooter Club and ask, or if push comes to shove, contact Devizine and I’ll sort them for you; can’t say fairer than that soul-boy.

More info on the event: https://www.facebook.com/events/192832917940007/

Check Terry’s Mixcloud: https://www.mixcloud.com/terryhendrick3/

If you’ve been to the Devizes Scooter Club gigs where Swindon’s Killertones ripped the roof off the Cons Club, or even if you didn’t, Devizine recommends a evening with two of it’s members, Catherine York and Iggy Gould, as they play alternative acoustic as the unique and highly experienced and skilled duo, Sound Affects.

Trouble is it’s happening tonight at the Crown, Devizes, so hurry up and eat your dinner and if you need  hand call me (what you got, wotszit, chicken?)

Sound Affects performs both original and covered material, arranged in a classical acoustic format with a multitude of instruments; violin, flute, melodica, guitar, banjo, ukulele, and viola.

Cath and Iggy are classically trained , they’ve worked with notable artists over the years, including Rick Buckler and Bruce Foxton, The Killertones, The English Beat, DreadZone, Kingmaker, King Kurt, Dodgy, Pope (The Chords), Inspiral Carpets, The Gift, Tommy Hudson, Terry Hemming, Roddy Radiation and the Skabilly Rebels, B-Side Players, Billy in the Lowground and The Champions Inc.

Website: here.

Like ’em on the old Facebook thing: here.

Send your leftover chicken: here.

Poet, lead role in the undoubtedly funniest sci-fi comedy this side to Titan and always groovy on the radio, Craig Charles is the epiphany of cool, a lovable cool, AND he’s coming to Swindon’s Mecca in Regent Circus on the 20th January to play his funk and soul show live with special guests. So, dust off your glad-rags, zip up your boots, grab your tickets here and well, nuff said.

https://www.facebook.com/events/1920134834682634/

The evening was dry with only a subtle nip in the air, it wouldn’t be a Christmas lantern parade and light switch on if it was thirty degrees in the shade.

Traffic and parking had minimal issues and was surprisingly smooth. We parked in Station Road and were wandering to the Market Place sooner than I’d have imagined.

The place was bustling with no shortage of craft, food and clothes stalls. The smell of doughnuts blended with mulled wine and noodles with kangaroo burgers.

Christmas decoration stalls were reasonably priced and crowds built up rapidly. There was the usual aura of anticipation in the air and a welcoming scent of yule.

DOCA need to be praised for this year’s lantern parade, Devizes Town Band built the excitement with renditions of Christmas classics. I’m particularly partial to Jona Lewie’s “Stop The Cavalry,” and refuse to accept Christmas has begun until I hear it. As we marched out of the  busy Shambles to find our place, sure enough trumpets blew the riff.

Excited to see Father Christmas the wait was not long, in fact I feel a lesson could be learnt with new arrangements. Yes the people gathering close to Bear, where he traditionally stumbles out of the window got the short end of the stick. Perhaps though it’s their own fault for failing to notice the controls for the lights were absent from the balcony!

Was this a H&S regulation? It must be said it’s not particularly PC for kids to witness the superhero of folklore to climb through windows. Whatever the reason, Santa accended a ladder of a scaffolding tower disguised a chimney by the market cross to switch on the lights this year.

At this point, a technical hitch which no one could be blamed for, unfortunately failed us and the tree lights flickered but didn’t want to play ball. A second countdown still didn’t bring luck but boos from the crowds were the real spoiler; it was simply one of those unpreventable things.

Not to worry, as the other lights worked, the Little Brittox looking particularly fabulous, and fireworks lit up the clear night sky.

DOCA put a heck of a lot of work into this show and we have to tip our hats to them for a job well done. Perhaps some lessons for next year could be the power source, but mainly the overzealous Father Christmas who had upped the ladder and begun the countdown long before the entire lantern parade had arrived in the square.

This was surely unfortunate for the children taking part and, even if the young ones are getting impatient in the crowds, those walking the parade deserve closest dips on the finale.

C’est last vie, a grand start to the yule anyway, and thanks DOCA for your brilliant show!

While I postponed my midmorning nap on Wednesday and made my way to St John’s Parish Rooms, a dweeb in London held a little red case to snapping cameras. I do not fear his pale red cases, with no reasonable strategy inside them. Families under financial pressure, Hammond said he understands, and chose “a balanced approach;” he said, and said those words, he said them, but he lied them.

Instead the fix-it-up chappie waved £3bn off to ensure Brexit runs smoothly, and hey, just ask if you need more stars on thars. In a week where a government free of Europe pathetically announced legal recognition of animals as “sentient beings” will not be incorporated into UK law, anyone with a heart sunk and begun to digest what England will really be like when we leave, under the, apparently, regime of current savages.

Meanwhile he joshed the deputy speaker a Merry Christmas, announced he was freezing taxes on alcohol, trimming a quid off a bottle of whiskey, but under the same breath, whacked the price up of cider; discounted alcohol, habitually bought by people on low-income; a shameful reflection on the entire budget.

So despite convalescing from last week’s backlash of scornful comments from Tory-loving hypocrites, I find myself no option but to “bash” again.

I cannot stop, they’re squeezing the poor and rewarding the rich, when will basic humanity kick in? If animals are beyond hope, humans ought to at least be treated with dignity and respect, no matter what their circumstances.

Yet councils continue issuing fines to homeless for sleeping in doorways or pitching tents. Winter looming, you can’t camp, can’t afford a cheap bottle of plonk to warm you and numb the stress. The solution isn’t whacking up the price; it’s support, it’s giving them a light at the end of the tunnel.

Recent reports estimate 300,000 people now sleep rough on Britain’s streets, and if you’re not a people-person, consider the cost of preventing and cracking homelessness is far less than the cost of doing nothing.

In Devizes we have minor homeless issues. Still I stand like a loose lemon while Angie Carpenter, the coordinator of Devizes Opendoors potters about, juggling counselling a person with a pending court case, putting marigolds on to clean and also, talks to me about the work they do here.

Now I beg, don’t run away with the presumption I’m aiming guns at you, just because you’re Conservative, I’m aware some locally  support and actively engage with this worthy cause, I’m merely pointing the finger at a system which leaves people vulnerable. The wonderful thing about Devizes is, apolitically, many assist and support this group, and that it is, by comparison, a small-time operation.

Still, as I observe a young girl sort through a pile of donated clothes and beam when she finds a warm hat which meets her approval, I note Devizes Opendoor is a necessity for these few.

I’m there towards the end of the session; there’s usually about fifteen to thirty people coming in, they’ve finished breakfast; a cooked meal and cereals or fruit. I asked Angie if this number has increased recently, as National Audit Office stats show a 134% rise in rough sleepers and a 60% for households living in temporary accommodation since 2010. But she clarified it was quite stable. In the summer they get more, as travellers pass through, “you might only see them once or twice a year,” she explained.

For the people here today there was a calm community spirt, no harassment, no cross-words and no pestering of any kind.

There are books to take along with clothes, fresh bread, fruit, biscuits and tinned food, plus the tea urn is constantly boiling. There’s washing facilities and advice leaflets. Lidal, Morrisons and M&S all donated food, people genuinely only took what they needed and much was left, to be collected by passing Michelle of the Food Bank.

Angie has volunteered here for two-and-a-half years out of the six Opendoor has had its doors open, and she has ambitious plans to create a hostel. The Parish Rooms are open on Monday, Wednesday and Friday for only a few hours, and on Thursday for more one-to-one sessions. Ideally, longer periods daily would benefit the people.

Angie was delighted the concert on Saturday had raised over a thousand pounds and the sponsored sleep-outs allow people to come to terms with the realities faced; still this operation needs exposure, and needs more volunteers. The hostel project needs backing, she told me how Anzac House would’ve suited, but it wasn’t to be. For more information about OpenDoors and how you can get involved: click here.

In conclusion then, am I Bam-Bam Rubble, overzealous with “bashing?” I noted Claire Perry voted for this crazy non-recognition of animals as “sentient beings” and dispatched my concerns. I think Claire now acknowledges she need respond asap; here’s her reply:

“To be clear: the idea that my colleagues and I somehow do not accept that animals are sentient beings is quite honestly ludicrous. This vote was on a very specific amendment about EU regulations, and whilst we support the sentiment of the amendment, there were concerns about some specifics, and we thought it much better to use our own legal system to continue to deliver strong animal welfare protection – we have among the strongest animal protections in Europe and intend to keep them that way. As you will know, we have high welfare standards on farms, do not allow cockfighting or bull fighting and have a proud tradition of animal protection.

You may know that there are already provisions in UK law, such as the Animal Welfare Act 2006, which recognise that if an animal is capable of experiencing pain and suffering, then it is sentient and afforded protection under that Act, and the Minister assured the House during the debate that “Animals will continue to be recognised as sentient beings under domestic law”.

I have made clear a number of times that I myself am a huge animal lover, and I can assure you that the UK Government has a proud history of protecting animal rights, which will not be affected by our departure from the EU. Indeed, based on the Animal Welfare Act, the Animal Protection Index rates the UK’s formal recognition of animal sentience as grade A, whereas other EU countries such as France, Italy and Spain have a much lower rating of grade C.

But that is not what the vote on Wednesday was about. The vote was a question not of ends, but means. The amendment proposed would have limited practical impact, and ran the risk of creating legal uncertainty. However, the Minister made clear that the Government supports the sentiment of the proposed amendment, and he reassured the House that: “One way or another, we need it [animal sentience] to be present in UK law at the end of this.” He went on to make clear that we intend not only to retain our existing standards of animal welfare once we have left the EU, but to enhance them by having the freedom to develop our own gold-standard protections on animal welfare.

Don’t be fooled by the trouble-making SNP party on something as important as animal welfare!”

Perhaps it’s media hysteria; I’ll take Claire’s word and leave you aghast; has that Worrow bloke turned blue, has he metamorphosed from basher to conservative partisan, by one nice letter? Don’t hold your breath.

The Homelessness Reduction Bill has been in place since April, obliging councils to begin the assessment of people at risk of losing their home sooner. Rebuking claims it takes a light-touch approach to dealing with the issue, the government promised to invest £550m by 2020. Homeless charity, Shelter wants the government to end the freeze on housing benefit and pledge affordable home building.

All I know is, while they squabble over preventing the causes of homelessness, they cleared ours from Dews Pond Wood, and benefits are still being slashed more than victims of Michael Myers. People still need help, and whilst they do we should be thankful for these hard-working volunteers as they plan a Christmas Dinner at OpenDoors. So I urge you, if you can donate, offer a few hours a week of your time to help, please do.

With lots of people asking me about Christmas Fayres in town this year, many in need of stallholders and in turn, stallholders looking for fayres, here’s the all that I’ve listed on the Devizine calendar to date in one handy package!

If I’ve missed one then it’s cos you didn’t tell me about it! Tell me now and if you’re still on the good list, I’ll add it!

Thursday 23rd November:

Christmas Shopping Night @ The Giving Tree, Ginnel

Friday 24th November:

Christmas Light Switch on & Lantern Parade 

Christmas Shopping Event @ Seend Playgroup

Saturday 24th November:

Christmas Craft Fayre @ Cross Keys, Rowde

Monday 27th:

Police HQ Christmas Fayre

Friday 1st December:

Rowde Academy Christmas Fayre

German Style Market @ Southbroom Infants

Wharf Tea Rooms Christmas Market

Saturday 2nd December

St Josephs Christmas Fayre

Lion’s Club Christmas Fayre @ Corn Exchange  

Friday 8th December

Seend School Christmas Fayre

Saturday 9th/Sunday 10th December

Caen Hill Cafe Christmas Market

The Farm Cookery School Christmas Fayre

Friday 15th December

Southbroom St James Academy Christmas Fayre

Saturday 16th December

Breakfast with Father Christmas @ The Fire Station

While other towns seem to have the odd Facebook group or two, Devizes has more than its population; they’re the new pubs. The reason boils to rage caused by the popular page admin’s desire to maintain order, which in its own significant way projects a reality on the approaches of the Facebook-using populace of Devizes.

If you want to post impertinent witticisms there’s a page for that, I was soon kicked off as “No Surprises” is officially no longer funny. If you’re hosting an event, there’s a page for this. If you photograph a car which appears to have been parked by a legless Jim Henson creation, there’s even a page for that too.

One of the better pages for messing with people’s minds and enraging the status quo is the Devizes Debate, all members prepped to give their tuppence as if they’ve been in Jeremy Paxman’s nose-bag, on any issue, be it local or worldwide, as if anyone in a position of power to change it is reading.

Naturally politics dominate the feed, seems to offer an alternative view is considered “unproductive” and being Devizes is as top-heavy Tory as Katie Hopkin’s birthday bash (and let’s face it, she deserves a good bash,) it’s only fair those with views slightly leftfield get their comments scrutinised, affronted, and the more rage-driven ones are even saved for a later date, when they can be used against them more effectively; I love it!

The socket of the “debate” page under analysis, members don’t like debating, maybe we call it the “heil Theresa May and all who sail in her” page?

A mere mention the Conservative party could be slightly unfair or harsh, such as, oh I don’t know, off the top of my head; selling off the silly old NHS maybe, blindly continuing to frack perhaps, denying climate change, getting into bed with terrorist organisations, slashing benefits for the most vulnerable, cutting funding for schools, charities and councils, and a variety of petty issues like that, will evoke a temper-tantrum from conformist right-wing cohorts as if the Daily Mail comment section was never invented.

They overuse the ironic term, “Tory bashing,” as if posting an alternative viewpoint is akin to physical violence; truly believing nothing the government do should be criticised. Surely it’s the underprivileged that are really being bashed? Take one for the team guys, or sit it out on the bench.

So I adopted the “can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” ethos and posted thus: “Can we have a debate group without all these lefty-types? It’s just not right; poor people, voicing their opinions. Whatever next? They’ll want feeding, you’ll see.” Alas it was still met with antagonistic comments; they had little faith in my conversion to the dark side, assuming I was being ironic. Ironic, moi? Us ill-educated don’t even know what the word means.

Here then is what really bolts their goat out of its pen I ponder, they’d rather us be illiterate, unable to express concern. I’ll just cut the crusts off my son’s sandwich, have that for my lunch and say no more about it, while MP’s whinge like babies; the porridge with their daily free breakfast isn’t particularly as tasty as that from Waitrose.

I suspect it bugs them I articulate, despite my education being shat on by a Tory regime of yore with school budget cuts causing teacher strikes, as well as taking my milk; I will never forgive milk snatchers; candy from a baby, the baby matured.

It’s this dire antiquated British attitude of tipping your cap to the hierarchy and pushing on with your job which is the sole reason we’re up the creek, this isn’t 1940; these are not the MPs you are looking for. They’ve purposely lost the paddle, lined their pockets from your diligence.

Think for a second the government care about you? Despite the credit I give the members of the group for their intellect, I’m sorry, they’re fooling themselves. The moment they’re unable to put a cross in a box is the moment they wouldn’t piss on you if you were to catch fire. Look closely at the dementia tax; they’ll take everything you worked towards, unless you own a multinational corporation. You. Know. This. You know they lie, they write them on a flipping big red bus for crying out loud. How much more evidence do you need?

Pushing those on the Devizes Debate enough, many confess they don’t truly believe this government is doing things correctly; HELLO? ANYBODY HOME? Still they blindly voted blue, perhaps they didn’t like Jeremy Corbyn’s charity shop suit.

Other parties are available, vote down the middle (sold their votes to the blues last time anyway,) be radical, vote Green. Or simply don’t vote, or vote UKIP, which is the same thing.

It’s not the converted I want to preach to, the usual suspects will “like” this piece; it’s those who blatantly stated this, that’s why I was on the dammed group, send your party your message of dissatisfaction, let them know. Let your local MP know you’re unhappy rather than whinge at people affected by their austerity who are beginning to anger and stress so.

Tory bashing, honestly, have you ever heard of anything quite so pathetic aside Donald Trump’s Twitter Feed?

I woke up this morning, I was living in Devizes; oooh yeah. 2017 was the year our humble dwelling got the blues. S’ okay, I’m not here to discuss parking charges in the Market Place, oooh no mannish boy, don’t dust your broom yet, because I’m-a-talking about da summer’s successful Saddleback Blues Festival at Devizes Rugby Club, remember? Well Elwood, they’re putting the band back together for another year.

There’s no hanging about at the crossroads here, tickets are now on sale for 2018’s Saddleback Blues Festival and it looks to be a stonker. While other acts are still to be confirmed, a Saddleback All-Stars Jam, and a special guest all hush-hush, let’s have a peek at what we do know shall we?

Reckless and raw, Southern Californian rock band Well Hung Heart sound worth the ticket stub alone. Headed by fiery front-girl Greta Valenti, they’re a four-piece and, if I’ve read this right, Robin Davey plays simultaneous guitar and bass. LA’s Deli Magazine praised them thus:  “Packed with youthful arrogance at a blues-laced crossroads between The Kills & early Stooges.”

Deriving from rock n roll, they promise a high-energy performance of new-rock, mashed with blistering blues and punk. They’ve played alongside Linkin Park, ZZ Top, Motley Crue, and Alice Cooper, appearing at London’s O2 Academy, the Paradiso in Amsterdam and oodles of festivals.

Then there’s Innes Sibun, who began playing guitar after hearing B.B King at age twelve. His first band the “Blues Explosion” recorded with legendary Eric Clapton producer Mike Vernon, gaining critical acclaim. By 1993 he joined Robert Plant’s band for his “Fate of Nations” world tour. Following this, Innes recorded several albums for Viceroy Records with his new band; they toured, opening for Peter Green in New York and touring Europe with Roger Chapman & Chris Farlowe.

Yorkshireman John Verity is also confirmed. John’s prolific career begins in the early sixties, with pro-band The Richard Kent Style, who prestigiously supported Jimi Hendrix (yes, I did say Jimi Hendrix) Canned Heat, and Janis Joplin. Spotted by Rod Argent in 73, John became lead vocalist for his band following the departure of Russ Ballard. Still an active artist, with a number of records to his name and busy touring schedule, his experience is sure to bring panache to the festival.

Indigenous Jon Amor, returns to the festival, last year as part of the Boom Band, this year with his own. After developing a reputation as awesome live, they were recently described as, “The Allman Bros meets Little Feat meets The Beatles,” which reflects not only their melodic approach to blues and roots music, but their abilities as songwriters too. After the Booms backed him, Van Morrison described them succinctly when he stated, “this band is great; they’re on the money!”

Prior to all the excitement, Rick and the Saddleback team have arranged two free Battle of the Bands nights in which the winners gain a spot on stage at the festival. Both at Devizes Sports Club, the first on the 17^th Feb, boast local upcoming stars Jamie Hawkins, Tom & Clair, Kirsty Clinch, and my personal fav, Tamsin Quinn.

The second showdown is for bands with members under 21, and it’s on 3^rd March. Both events are FREE, and I’m certain will act as a great taster for the main event. I have to say, the organisers seem to have their mojo working towards bringing Devizes something rather special, which also supports both Julia House and the Wiltshire Air Ambulance.

There may be a few details in need of ironing at this early stage; the organisers are looking into camping possibilities, and arranging a variety of food stands, but priced at £25 for an adult ticket and £13 for the kids, it’ll be well worth bookmarking Saturday 14^th July as a day for doing nothing other than jiving hoochie coochie at the juke-joint rugby club roadhouse out on Highway 361!

Addition: It’s come to my attention there were a few errors in this preview, my apologies; it’s updated now and I hope it fits the bill better. It should also be noted that although the festival last year was titled a blues festival, this year it’s been redefined as a music festival. I’ve opted to keep the theme of this article as it’d spoil the blues jokes!

More details, if you’ve not succumbed yet, at https://www.saddlebackmusicfestival.co.uk/

“Tell them the one about the time you fell asleep while marching Reg,” my Nan would roar with laughter at the mere thought of it. My Grandad, assigned night watch over a tank-storage marched up and down past them, until the point fatigue got the better of him and he dozed while continuing to march. He wandered unwillingly to a similar storage facility which held no tanks. When he awoke he turned around to see the empty hold, he panicked, believing the tanks had been stolen and he was in serious dire straits!

It’s one of many stories told to us kids, the most amusing part was that while my Nan requested the story, as usual, before he completed the first paragraph of the tale in all its finer detail, which was his way, my Nan would interrupt him and blather out the story her way.

After my Nan passed, he’d have a free run of storytelling without interruptions, and if you prompted him he’d tell this one, and many others. Stories I will pass down, but will never be quite the same, coming direct from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. It’s a wonder to imagine if the tales I tell them now will filter down to their children, being of a Great Grandad they vaguely recall themselves.

It’s a concern these, often amusing, but always light-hearted tales of war will be lost in time, that people will forget what these young men done, and all the tribulations of surviving the era on the home front too. Despite the slogan, “least we forget,” time wears these events thinner, as the population able to tell them first-hand sadly do too.

However, check this here photo montage of great images of Remembrance Services and tributes locally happening Sunday, I think it’s wonderful to see how popular it still is.

Thank you all, for allowing me to share them here, Alan Carter of Devizes Heritage, Amanda Attwood (Devizes Issue) Melksham FC, Marlborough Town Council, Southbroom School, Moonraker Bears, Devizes Scooter Club, and Gail Foster the beautiful poem below.

If you’ve some you like me to add to this, let me know!

Marlborough

Lest we Forget

THEY NEVER WENT TO WAR

Gail Foster

They never went to war; they stayed at home

The young, the old, the unwell and the dead

The women who were not allowed to roam

The men who tilled the fields and baked the bread

Those sat in darkness waiting for the rap

Of letterbox, and soft white feather fall

The silence broken by a dripping tap

Dark shadows cast by street lamps on the wall

The little lads who ran behind the train

That took their fathers off to certain death

Who waved until their arms ached in the rain

Who ran until their lungs ran out of breath

Old men who yearned for youth; just one more chance

To feel the blood flow, hear the battle cry

To wear the uniform and take a stance

To stand with other men, to fight and die

The crippled and the mad, the deaf, the blind

Escaped the fate of many thousand men

Some angry that they had been left behind

Some thankful that they’d never fight again

 Women, who with their sleeves rolled ploughed the land

Lit candles, raised the children, hid their tears

Made ammunitions with a careful hand

Kept watch and saved the night time for their fears

So many stayed at home, and stayed alive

And suffered pain and loss, regret and guilt

That they were left, that they were to survive

Within the house such sacrifice had built

Their many names are not inscribed on stone

Those sorrowed souls, so haunted by war’s ghost

Were left to stand and mourn the dead alone

Listening to the trumpet sound the post

*

by Gail

https://gailfromdevizes.com/

Well we made it without skidding on fallen leaves, it’s November and yep, I’m going have to mention the C word. Sorry everyone, I know, don’t want to think about that senseless rush; hoping you’ve enough wrapping-paper, wishing it’d be the relaxing Christmas you’d like it to be as opposed to endlessly shoving AA batteries into toys, trying to keep the cat out of the tree, forgetting to take the pigs in blankets out the oven and racing around the house restricting energetic nipper’s access to the Quality Street tin.

Kids make Christmas, least I’m told, and I’m reminded that I’ll miss it when it’s over. Ever so gradually this sad notion is becoming reality; the kids now roll out of their cribs later than us, rather than bounce enthusiastically on our bed at four-thirty. They’ll amuse themselves with electronic devises, hide in their room listening to atrocious pop (who is Little Mix anyway and what happened to Bananarama?) and complain when I bring out a classic board game only to find the dice missing and the money moulded into papier-mâché since granny spilt her snowball on it while dancing to Slade, three years ago.

If all this does become just a fond memory I’d like to think I’d be prepared. I’d hope to be the grandpa with the crepe paper hat gradually slipping over my face as I orally catch flies on the sofa after a hefty dinner, as harassing grandkids position items around my slumbering frame, you know, empty bottles and beer cans to make it look like I’ve had too many, marbles beneath my slippers awaiting my wee break, and balloons over my face to find them rising with my perpetual snore, a continuous moment of hilarity.

However, there’s always a fear, there’s always a worry that you’ll be alone on Christmas Day, as many are, and let’s face it, no one should be. About four years ago people in this situation met daily in the café at the Shambles in good old Devizes, but it closed on that special day, as do most places of business, and quite rightly so, we all need a break.

Witnessing them expressing their concerns, wondering where they could go, was Jeannette Von Berg, tirelessly collecting funds for the Air Ambulance, as she still does today. Now if you recall a No Surprises Living in Devizes column of yore, we talked of heroes in our town, of those doing great things for the welfare of others, without return.

Jeanette’s name came up on top for her work for the Air Ambulance and many other charities, but we just have to give her another mention here, along with Pam Sloan and her team; of whom Margaret & Chris Stone, Pamela & Bob Hanney, Gladys Cobbert, Michael and Vicki Messam, Ian & Becky Phillis and others have all contributed in past years. They’ll be cooking a whopping Christmas dinner for around about fifty this year, as they do every year since, for people who are alone on Christmas Day.

In a world which seems to be getting perpetually crueller, how absolutely wonderful is this? I’ll tell you shall I? It’s off the scale generous and kind, the sort of thing Christmas should really be about, not Black bleeding Friday riots and driving home tipsy from the office party where you failed you get off with the floosy in HR.

Now you should know me well enough by now to know I can, occasionally when the mood sets, do “nice,” despite this being a rant column. Still I find myself stumbling on my words when I called Jeanette for some more information about this cause, as she humbly explains how the others do most of the cooking and she does the organising, telling me how generous everyone is and how the shops like Sainsburys, Morrisons and Wilkos  kindly give, along with the Lions and Town Council. Healthy Life in the Little Brittox owner, Justina Pettifer, commented on Jeanette’s post on the Devizes Issue Facebook page, offering nut roasts for vegetarians attending, while many others expressed their willingness to help out on the day.

Seems there isn’t a criterion for being eligible to join the dinner, so long as you’re alone, Jeanette expressed it’s not only for the elderly, single parents are among the welcomed for the mass meal at the Baptist Church  on Sheep Street which begins at noon, doesn’t end until four, and includes musical entertainment too.

If you would like to help, or attend the meal then you should contact Jeanette, if you’re having trouble with this, please do not hesitate to message Devizine or Index and I’ll gladly put you in touch.

I’ve still outstanding a visit to Opendoor, the homeless charity of Devizes, hoping to check out the wonderful work they do there and report my findings to you, but it all boils down to the same thing, no, not Brussel sprouts, it boils down to the simple fact that while there’s local people in need, there are wonderful people to help; that, for me, is a convivial motive to reference the C word so early and a spirit in Devizes which makes it special.

http://www.sheepstreet.org.uk/

It’s gone up a quid, but what hasn’t these days? Things that only were a quid have gone up a quid.

Still though, at £7 for a colossal breakfast even I struggle to finish, cooked to perfection, with Water Rose bangers, Sandridge Farm bacon, free tea and toast and all within a clean, friendly, down-to-earth cafe which is happy to swap items you don’t like, Jeffersons still holds the gold belt, (which is near to popping) for the best breakfast in Devizes.

I neglected to check the price of the slightly smaller breakie because, well, to be honest, I believe uttering the words “small” and “breakfast” in the same sentence should be illegal. Still, lightweights, whatever you order at Jeffersons, it’s a spankingly good deal and easy on your purse.

Unless you know different, are willing to take up the gauntlet and invite me to sample your pitch for the title belt (it’s a tough job but someone’s got to do it,) the undefeated title remains on Monday Market Street; pass the ketchup there’s a good fellow.

Jeffersons, Monday Market Street, Devizes. Open 8am – 4pm. Call: 01380 698060 https://www.facebook.com/Jeffersons-938954449531730/

By Zoe McMillan

Quartet – a four piece ensemble, as the name would suggest, written by Ronald Harwood and directed by Tess Richards.

The play draws us unapologetically into the world of four veteran opera singers, all previously known to each both professionally & intimately, who have been brought together once more in a retirement home for aging musicians of calibre & success.

An unashamed – no shameless vehicle for four feisty old troupers whose task is to make us laugh a little, sigh a little & cry a little as they lead us into the bittersweet world of facing up to age & mortality. For an audience plucked largely from a culture & society preoccupied with delaying aging & staying younger for longer, a society in which death is probably the last real taboo, Quartet made for uncomfortable viewing at times as the themes of death and mortality were explored in all their guises. “I used to be somebody once” said Jean…”I think I still am aren’t I?” asked Cissy.

Whether they’re making you laugh, cry or contemplate, the players of Quartet definitely make you feel and that is where its strength lies. It touches a chord; it pulls at your strings & examines your own insecurities about aging & mortality. It’s good art right there, as art is meaningless if it doesn’t make you feel.

Richards makes some clever set design decisions, setting the scene simply & sparsely, alluding to the surroundings of a retirement home with dated furniture that has seen better days (just like it’s inhabitants). This benefits the play two-fold. It keeps scene changes and prop shifting to an unobtrusive minimum and allows the audience to focus on the real stars of the piece, the actors.

It is the four thespians that grab and hold your attention, both together & each in turn with laughs echoing around the theatre from the delivery of the opening line & throughout.

Wilf, played by Martin Turner endears himself to the audience immediately with his cheeky nuances & racy one liners but it’s in his quiet moments of musing and retrospective that he really holds the audience; you could hear a pin drop.

Cissy played by Jax Brady, a long-time supporter of the Wharf theatre also captivated the audience and commanded the stage, even managing to steal your attention from the background with no dialogue. She captures the warmth and innocence of Fussy so convincingly that you feel defensive of her when others are misguiding her or mean to her.

Lewis Cowan as Reggie and Louise Peak as the notorious Jean also deserve mention for the light, shade & depth they bring to their roles and to the play as a whole. In short, it’s impossible to pick out any one character or actor from the four that steals the show; superbly cast by Tess Richards, Quartet is an ensemble in its truest sense as the four protagonists come together to make beautiful music that strikes a chord and resonates on a fundamental level with the audience and leaves you wanting more as the finale leaves you wanting more.

I thoroughly recommend a trip to the Wharf theatre this week if you have an evening free. The show runs from Friday 3rd Nov – Saturday 11th November. Performances start at 19.30. For tickets click here.

HELPGUIDE.ORG Trusted guide to mental & emotional health, check it out here; science proves laughter is the best medicine; fact. Now try this, Google most depressing day of the week; you’ll see the traditional Monday suggested, then others opting for Tuesday, but now, according to psychologists, midweek is the worst; Wednesday.  No one thinks Thursday, but after so many depressing days prior, how can you suddenly liven up, just like that?

Although…….

There’s a lot of giggles to be had some Thursdays in Devizes and I’m telling you, you’re missing out on them. For Thursday can be twiddling your thumbs day, awaiting the weekend to arrive, but there’s the occasional one, like this week just gone, when Dr Martin Brown prescribes a healthy dose to our humble town at the Cellar Bar of the Bear.

Oh yeah, The Moonrakers Comedy Club has just set the agenda for its next evening of hilarity, on 7^th December.  Paul Savage is headlining, he started performing comedy in 2007 and has performed all over Britain, and a 2013 tour of English speaking venues in Norway, Sweden and Denmark.

With over 1700 gigs under his belt, including six runs at the Edinburgh Festival, starting with the Free Tea and Biscuits Show, which set a record for having the most genuinely homeless people in one audience front row, it has to be said this guy knows his way around a joke or three.

Paul is joined by some sharp wit and Irish charm from the opening act, Belfast’s Ryan McDonnell, who is no stranger to laughs in his home town with his observations of everyday life. Sometimes bizarre, often dark he’s building up quite a reputation for himself on the UK comedy circuit.

Johnny Emmet is to be the host MC, a comedian and actor, famously sharing the screen with Nicholas Cage for 17 seconds and currently resident MC at ‘Corkers’ Comedy Club, Byfleet’ ‘Criminal Intent Comedy, West End and runs the bi- weekly ‘Bunking Off @ The Old Schoolyard in Borough.

Tickets are a tenner, here.

For recession-infested Britain, tribute bands have fast become a popular evening for everyday folk. With downloading strangling the music industry, touring and festivals are the bread and butter for pop artists, but unfortunately seeing your idols live comes with a price-tag.

Much to my delight then that I spotted Los Palmas 6, a tribute to my era’s legends, Madness, were to shake up the sleepy village of Market Lavington; I’d have crawled there if needs be.

Tribute acts are plentiful and range through the eras, but can be a gamble. It’s like throwing the selection menu away and dipping your hand into the chocolate box, you’re never sure what you’re going to get. Disappointment can avoided though by checking website reviews, or just attending a place you can trust will book something special; the Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club are about as trustworthy as you’re going to get; Los Palmas 6 sold the heat, with a rock steady beat.

To be fair, the whole two-tone period is akin to tribute bands, when you think about it; the basis for the ska sound predating the era by twenty years in the tenement yards of West Kingston, and the Specials, Madness, et-al were not adverse to covering the original classics of Studio One. Madness even coined its name from the Prince Buster anthem.

But you’re not here for a history of reggae; if you were I’d only chew your ears off, got a bit of an everlasting love affair with the music see, a healthy one though, reggae hasn’t put a restraining order on me yet. Still, it suits me not to trek the world following some aging guys who were once a pop band, when locally there’s such a selection of these tribute acts and many project the raw, early periods of an act, as opposed to a blown-out rocker going through the motions rather than cashing their pension.

Now Madness is one band I’ve shamefully never caught live, though I’ve heard only awesome tales, so while I cannot compare them to the real McCoy, the blisters on my feet and perspiring brow afterwards should indicate I had a blinding time and Los Palmas 6 were everything they set out be, and a lot more.

Saturday’s night air had a nip, a chilling reminder winter is around the corner, but the glowing Community Hall warmed me. Unlike many village halls which resemble a 1970s scout hut, Market Lavington proudly have constructed a mega high-ceilinged ballroom, clean, contemporary and functional by design; I was impressed.

Diehard skinheads and mods surrounded the entrance, always a welcoming sight, and the man on the door informed me how busy it gets, “there’s always something going on here.” The hall had side rooms, with bar and reasonably priced kitchen selling pork baps and gourmet burgers; both bookmarked.

With the great support band finishing, and mates propping the bar up, I manged to sneak a chat with the organiser of the event, the endearingly enthusiastic character of Ted Osborn. Since making the village his home, Ted runs the Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club, bringing the village a colossal variety of performances. Being so cut-off from nearby towns by distance, it can only be a necessity for inhabitants.

Ted was keen about this event, trusting it to attract. Still I observed; it can be no simple feat to fill this hall similar to a Viking Valhalla. Ted confessed it’s not always so easy. As we discussed on No Surprises Sunday, getting punters through the door of a rural event is tricky, but all it needs is the support of Lavington, its surrounding villages and prosperity in the form of townsfolk willing to make the trip. I confirm to you Ted puts on a great show and it’s well worth the effort.

The band looked the part; Saxophonist in his Crombie, the Suggs-a-like donned a trademark blue bowler hat and the sound, well the music was parallel to the original fairground ska of Madness. With members of the band having played in Madness, and some of the original musicians having played with them too, Los Palmas 6 are the closest thing you’ll get to Madness without it actually being Madness, if you see what I mean. I did explain all this in the preview, please try to keep up.

Normally on a monthly basis, The Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club has hosted everything from Rolling Stones and Amy Winehouse tributes to a Take That one or comedy nights with comedians John Moloney, Sean Meo, Dave Thompson and Tim O’Conner. Events finish this year with a three course meal, black tie Winter Ball on 2^nd December, where Simply Swing, who have played on Jools Holland and Strictly Come Dancing, will take the stage, and a New Year’s Eve party with covers band, The Magic Tones, a disco and buffet; what’s not to like?

Without hanging around for spring, it’s the third return of the popular Abba tribute, Swede Dreamz on Saturday February 10^th.  Ted is confident tickets will sell out for this, so check the Website or Facebook to get yours.

The Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club Needs Your Support!

https://www.facebook.com/marketlavingtonmusicandcomedy/

http://www.ml-mcc.weebly.com/

Remember, remember, the, oh when was it again?

The 5^th of November being Sunday this year, and the Devizes Football Club not holding their usual quality do, where, you may ask, can you catch some firework displays?

1: Friday the 3^rd has one at Nursteed Community School for £3 tickets from Devizes Books or Brittox News, or £3.50 on the door. Doors open at 6pm and the show kicks off at 7.

2: Bishops Cannings School also have one organised for Friday, by Distant Thunder, with fire performers too, it’s £2.50 for grownups and kids go free. They promise snacks, BBQ and hot chocolate, and note the Crown is open for business.

3: Saturday the New Inn at Coate have their ever-popular FREE fireworks event with inside and outside bars, the bonfire will be lit at 6:30 and display starts at 7pm. They do have a no obligation charity collection. All monies collected go to two nominated charities.

4: Rowdefield Farm are also having an event on Saturday, described as a mini-firework display, they’ve also a bonfire. With a variety of stalls, Rowde Toddlers Pick & Mix Sweets, live music from Tom Miller, fire poi and hula hoop entertainer De Valentine, glitter makeup by Courtney Ball, Younique, hand knitted gifts and glow sticks, there are refreshments and a pedal tractor course as well as the machinery display, it promises to be quite alternative to the norm. It starts at 6pm and fireworks at 7. Tickets in advance only for this one guys, and it’s a fiver.

‘Cause baby I be a West-Country firewerrrk,
Be comin’ ter shows yer hows I twerk,
Makes ’em go “Oo, arr, oo!” an art,
As I shoots acrass yer sky lioke a gurt lush far-arr-arr-t.

If you know of one we’ve not listed, let us know and we’ll add it before the big night, whenever it is again. At least it’ll stop me from my Katy Perry impressions, which I should’ve saved exclusively for Halloween instead.

These stunning, collectable cards are from the ‘Christmas Cats’ collection by South West artist Elly Shaw and each card is hand made and unique.

Signed by the artist, they can be framed or sent as Christmas cards to your special people. Oil on silk with trimmings. They will be available at the trade price of £2.50 each or 5 for £10 only at the Craft Fair on November 25th at The Cross Keys, Rowde. 12pm onwards.

I like tea, full stop. You pamper to taste; a “milky builder,” others like it as black as the ace of spades, or some like the teabag to stew for exactly one minute, twenty-seven seconds. No, don’t dare add milk before taking out the teabag or they’ll spoon your eyeballs and wear them as earrings; that kinda subtle specification.

Me, I’m impartial; I’ll drink any tea made any way. As long as it is tea and not warmed mud from the farmer’s welly, I’ll drink it; desperate enough I’d even consider the mud.

I’m eclectic in my taste for most things, treat food, books and music just like tea; provided it’s of quality. I don’t worship any particular genre, pigeonhole or dedicate my life to one style. Some do, s’alright, that’s fine, but it’s not my cup of tea, so to speak.

City life can be diverse; you wander a street to find a-la-carte Benin vegan cuisine next door to a Tasmanian tarantula burger stall, you could host a night of minimalist Cambodian folk synth-pop techno and still fill the Albert Hall. But here in deepest darkest Wiltshire, often you have to make do with the conventional; a Chinese takeaway considered exotic.

When someone dedicates themselves to bringing us diversity it deserves our full support, but it comes at a cost; the rural event promoter’s dilemma. Example; country & western music, not really my cup of tea, but what exactly is my cup of tea anyhoo?

Give it, I’ll drink it, ta; where we left off last week, I’m at the doors to the Conservative Club on a Sunday evening, to check out Devizes diversity in action. Hand it to them, the Cons Club offers variety, last Saturday it was skanking to the sounds of Swindon’s two-tone band The Killertones, courtesy of the Scooter Club, and this Saturday it turned all Blues as the Long Street Blues Club bought us Carvin Jones.

Alternative Sundays are the turn of the Devizes CMC; it’s going country & western all the way. There are elements to this genre I do love; the creative plots of songs, and twangy banjos and the whole Americana atmosphere; however there’s a clear label of “Achy Breaky Hearts” and line dancing which, well, puts me off to be Frank.

Sheriff of the CMC, Dean Czerwionka is keen to highlight his efforts to break this stereotype, and brings diversity in the genre to local venues. His Dead Kool Country Promotions operate not only in Devizes, but at the Owl in Bromham and Trowbridge too. He explained to me that while some bands he books are traditional Country styles, he often books ones which are more experimental and assorted in styles.

So, generally American theme occurs in the Club, Dean tipped his Stetson at the bar where we chat, but there’s also something quintessentially English about the event; I order a cider rather than a bourbon, there’s no hog-roast but ham and cheese rolls sold on the bar, and while within the crowd are a sprinkling of those dressed the part, there’s others dressed more conventionally, it’s informal.

There are no cowboys having a farting contest around a campfire, but a fun and friendly atmosphere, which is endearing. Even the performer Trey Jackson, who was booked last minute due to a cancelation, speaks with a Geordie accent.

I felt comfortable and not out of place, a surprise in Devizes; I reckoned I needed to cast my labels aside and enjoy the music and atmosphere, for it was homely and warming; I like it here, you would too.

Dean explained to me that specialist magazines cater towards the American scene and the big names when they visit, rather than focus on home-grown talent. Here then is the dilemma, can he wipe the stereotype and bring people through the door when it’s Sunday in a narrow-minded market town like Devizes?

No easy task, Dean tells me many local C&W clubs have closed, there’s no club like this left in Swindon, and punters willingly travel to visit his Dead Kool nights; this doesn’t surprise me, they’re clearly worth the effort.

We break off our conversation for a moment, while Dean sells raffle tickets. The marvellous thing about these nights is each one is dedicated to raising funds for local schools.

Everything Dean tells me is spritely, an enthusiasm dedicated to his passion for Country and bringing it to the good folk of Wiltshire. On 12^th November, for example, when Peter Donegan, son of the ‘Godfather of British Rock n Roll’ and ‘King of Skiffle’, the late Lonnie Donegan, visits the club.

So we chat about Johnny Cash and Dolly, of the movie Oh Brother Where Art Thou, and my love for the music of Woody Guthrie. We talk about bluegrass and the various styles of country music, which Dean celebrates and books artists who cross those borders and fuse said styles. So there really isn’t anything to dislike about these nights, no matter how much you care for the music.

There’s a good mixture of age here, yeah there’s older folk but there’s girls in short skirts (it’s the little things I notice) and while we chat, people get up and start dancing the night away. Trey has an authentic voice and the whole scene is entertaining. It’s this kind of diversity which keeps Devizes from being so narrow-minded.

Similarly Saturday night when I shipped out to Market Lavington to see Los Palmas 6, the Madness tribute band, these events are endearingly good but it’s often difficult for promoters like Dean and the delightful character of Ted Osborn of the Market Lavington Music & Comedy Club to continue, bands don’t come cheap, bums need to be on seats and in a village or small town it’s no easy task, unless we support them.

So I highly recommend these nights to you, without compromise and pray these decent guys will persevere so we’re never in doubt that #nothingeverhappensindevizes and the surrounding villages, is ironic banter.

So, yeah, Saturday at the Market Lavington Music and Comedy Club was a top, top night, but I’m running out of space here, I’ll write a separate review of the night, and of Ted’s hard work, equal to Dean’s, in hope you’ll take heed and support these guys in their quest.

For Dead Kool Country Promotion’s future dates, check Devizine’s event calendar, or visit their website here, and like their Facebook page here.

Resident or just passing through, The Food Gallery is the premier café in Wiltshire. Standing proud on Marlborough High Street and voted Best Café in Wiltshire this year, its owner, Bob Holman announced there’s a free coffee for the emergency services at his family business, whilst also raising funds for SWIFT Medics, a support charity for the emergency services across Wiltshire and beyond.

Mr Holman, also a Trustee of SWIFT Medics, plans to offer a free coffee to any member of the emergency services; ambulance, fire brigade or police, by asking his customers to make a voluntary donation of £1 every time they buy a coffee at his shop.

In return, The Food Gallery will donate 50 pence to SWIFT Medics, who, although they are a Wiltshire-based charity and entirely funded by the public, are regularly called out by the Emergency Services to assist them and work alongside them saving lives and helping to prevent more serious injury.

Bob, who runs The Food Gallery with his wife Nikki and children Rich and Kat, said: “This is a win-win situation; we are a community coffee shop with valued local customers, so it makes sense to ask them to help us support our vital emergency services, which too often we all take for granted.”

“We think it will give a boost to those unsung heroes in the Emergency Services to know that the public value them enough to donate money for a coffee. We all like to know we are appreciated and it is particularly important for the Emergency Services to realise that. It is a small gesture but we think it is an important one.”

All members of the Emergency Services have to do is show their ID at The Food Gallery for a regular coffee, from 7:00am on 27th October 2017. Although, Devizine points out, they also do a superb brownie!

The volunteers of SWIFT Medics are trained Pre-hospital Emergency Care Doctors who attend road traffic accidents and medical emergencies in Wiltshire and surrounding counties when an incident is so serious that the NHS ambulance team need an appropriately qualified Doctor at the scene.

Approximately once a week, these volunteer Doctors either save a life or prevent a life-changing injury in Wiltshire. SWIFT Medics is a registered charity and are 100% reliant on voluntary donations for our funding.

http://www.swiftmedics.net/

http://www.thefoodgallery.co.uk/

I don’t know with all these “arty types,” I mean, remember the gallery on Vine Street? Well, change one letter and they shift the whole shebang to the White Horse Business Centre on Hopton, but it’s worth a trip down London Road. The new space at number 10 is airy, bright and awash with friendly atmosphere.

The Wine Street Gallery is never without interesting contemporary art, and hosts exhibits regularly. This November it’s the turn of local oil painter Anna Simmons, who creates figures within a sense of space and light in architectural backgrounds. The importance of the figures stressed, adding extra dimension, a kind of “bridge between worlds.”

Former teacher, Anna had always painted, but only received formal training later in life. She studied at St. Martin’s, which shaped the particular direction her work continues on today. She has exhibited in London, Bath and even America, and her work has sold worldwide.

This has to be a great excuse, if you need one, to visit the gallery. Join the private view, from 6-9pm on Friday 17th November, and you’ll aptly get a glass of wine too! And the Recent works by Anna Simmons show continues until Saturday 18^th November.

Normal opening hours are 11am – 4pm, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or by appointment.

Wine St Gallery @ No 10, White Horse Business Centre, Unit 10, Hopton Road, Devizes SN10 2HJ.  facebook.com/winestreetgallery Instagram: dawngalbraith10

Why hello there, I’m back. Did you miss me?

You don’t have to answer that.

A-polo-gees, but due to a family issue I’ve been back and forth from Southend-on-Sea, a place which makes Swindon look like Monte Carlo, with bells on. Hoping we can start back where we left off? Unless, of course, you’ve found a new causerie, a kind of prose rebound, no doubt, a Daily Mail column. I understand really I do, does it do what No Surprises used to do for you, only grammatically; you literate hussy, you.

Southend is quite different from Devizes, maybe it’s the sea air but there’s a “salt of the Earth” spirit in the majority, a kind of cockney-pride of an East-End, retired now to the nostalgic littoral illusion of “South-Enders.”

So, despite the constant race to construct glass façades to ersatz castles, larger than that of their neighbours, allowing their view to pass over pink and white panelled beach huts with star-shaped fairy-lights tacked on, to a murky estuary and its heavyweight industrial dock horizon, there appears to be minimal snobbery there; one significant difference.

The sight of Essex’s arch-nemesis Kent, with burning chimneys and industrial plants, seems to dissuade no one, as they saunter a hectic coastal highway of ramshackle Tropicana and neon amusement arcades, with disregard to seasonal change and gale forces blowing along the Thames, in search of a polystyrene cup of jellied eels or a boggy whippy ice cream.

The entire inlet from London to the south-end is one analogous sprawling suburb of pleasant and generous mediocre folk, unfortunately with a princely sprinkling of avaricious braggers, voluble tattooed hoodies swapping beard-trimming techniques, and hordes of overdressed Billericay girls all called Anastasia, with earrings larger than their boobs, yapping bargain hauls and neighing through whitened teeth at their own jokes; inappropriately, they bulk the laughable Essex stereotype we love to encourage here.

You’d love it, if you pretend you never witnessed the dank arches outbound from Liverpool Street station, where if you gaze past train lights, you can see occupants huddled under filthy duvets and rotting sleeping bags.

I admit, it feels like everything is bloated folly there, a neon phoney philosophy forged into residents, blinding them from the certain doom this government is sailing us into, and it takes an individual from a Tory-infested affluent zone to explain it? Yeah, right on. Still I adhere, snobbery is absent; no one looks down their nose and scoffs, which is a pleasant change.

If this week has taught me one thing, it’s that life is too short to whinge and rant, so I planned a nice column today. Then I returned home and read some local news.

Say what you will, but Southend is functional; they allow a freedom of street art, they’ve frequent and affordable buses, and they get both bins and recycling done weekly, with a far more extensive recycling process. As opposed to our maggot-infested fortnightly collected bins which you’re expected to climb inside to squash last week’s rubbish.

So as the train returns me to the beautiful West Country downs, the first local post I see on Facebook is photos of the aftermath of some prick clearing out for the season of goodwill, and fly-tipping the garbage they couldn’t fit in their overflowing bin, over our idyllic rural landscape.

Ha, it’s like they just shoved the mountain of dead badgers aside and dumped their crap there, as if recycling centres are only in the imagination. How is this lesser a crime than Swindon’s window-licking Noel Gallagher lookie-likie, if not far less amusing? They need to be named and shamed in the local rag.

Honestly, what was going on there with the window licker, or has the Oasis star fallen on hard times? I mean licking windows is one thing, but in Swindon? It’s equally as unhygienic as making candy floss in a rugby club’s stag-do toilet bowl, which no doubt you think happens in Southend? Least they put their rubbish in the bin, cos they’ve the facilities to do so.

So Wiltshire Council jump on the bandwagon, groaning it costs two and a half million quid picking up litter in the county, omitting the opportunity of finding an old five pound note. They’re campaigning for volunteers to tidy up a bit, taking credit for the idea; as if it hasn’t already been in existence in Devizes for many a year. Thank you CUDs, it’s a big society success story that’d make Cameron oink and blush.

This tomfoolery is seriously biting into the Council budget, which needed to raise their councillor’s expense allowances again, just to have a meeting about it; pass the caviar hors d’oeuvres while we discuss it. Parking tariffs in the Market Place simply will not cover it, maybe because the ticket-machines they do have malfunction more than HAL 9000 with a Morris Worm bought from Curry’s.

“Take your litter home,” the council says; I agree, even though my bin is full. I’m not paying £1.70 an hour to sift through your litter, just to get a loaf. Still we feel it imperative to groan about people in other places, like how shallow Essex is, for example.

I withdraw the cliquey rant about Southend; Essex is Constable Country don’t forget it mate. Go sleep in a railway arch you idiot fly-tippers, oh and Councillors who make it awkward to make alternative options practical too. Stick a cold tin of beans and dirty mattress on your expense forms and kip with the dossers; see what some folks endure.

We need a rodeo roundup, a cowboy style lynch mob to march into county hall all guns blazing.

So, before I fled town, I went in search of some able-bodied men; but where could I find some West Country rouges, larger than the Council’s for a showdown at high noon?

Hold on, every other Sunday at the Conservative Club is Devizes Country Music Club. So I busted through the saloon doors, nodded to Sheriff Dean Czerwionka, who tipped his Stetson. I scanned the tavern, are there cowboys here, would it be best to try Kwik-Fit, or is it another of those uncharacteristic surprises in Devizes?

Tune in next episode to find out…. cue the sunset.

I had to walk back to Rowde last time I attended a Moonraker Comedy night at the Bear Hotel’s Cellar Bar, I tried to hitch a lift but had to be honest with myself, no one about to pick me up in the dark with the insane giggling smirk awash my boat race. I was still sniggering at Mark Felgate and supporting comedians into the following week.

Thursday 2^nd November sees another tsunami of laughter with Andrew Doyle headlining the evening. Writer and comedian, Andrew is the co-writer of the spoof news reporter, created by Tom Walker, Jonathan Pie who has become an internet sensation.

Andrew started writing for Pie in December 2015, and has since collaborated with Tom on weekly online videos, and a live tour culminating a sell-out performance at the London Palladium. Their online video responding to the US election result has had in excess of 130 million views.

Andrew recently appeared at the Soho Theatre, London, in his fifth solo stand-up show “Future Tense.” All five of his solo shows have run at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Johann Hari of The Independent had this to say, “One of the funniest, sharpest, cruellest comedians out there. Prepare for all your internal organs to burst with laughter.”

Andrew is supported by award winning comedian Nathan Cassidy who’ll open the show, fresh from The Comedy Store, Bearcat and Mirth, Nathan has performed full-length shows at comedy festivals for several years. And Quick-witted Tim O’Connor, who has “been making people laugh since forever,” but has only recently taken to comedy club stages as it allows people to laugh at him in a more appropriate setting. Recently recruited to present a monthly radio show for Frome FM, Tim is a published comedy writer.

Doors open at 8:00pm, it’s definitely for 18 and over, and its ten notes for a ticket (from The Bear Hotel, Devizes Books, The British Lion, The Vaults, The Southgate Inn, or on-line at “We Got Tickets” and also some availability on the door on night; if you need a giggle, this performance-on-your-doorstep comes highly recommended.

https://www.facebook.com/events/162470411017096/

Probably the youngest and freshest duo on the Devizes music scene, Larkin, retain the classic combination of guitar and keyboards; a modern answer to Simon & Garfunkel, with a slice of Bastille thrown in for good measure. Even the cover of their forthcoming album, Set You Free, has a strong resemblance to that of The Sounds of Silence.

We’re eagerly anticipating this release, which is due in December. I probed Sam Bishop for what we can expect, being I know they’ve been working so hard on this crowdfunded project.

Set You Free will be all original material, generally conceived by Sam and written in collaboration with guitarist Finley Trusler. “The album is called Set You Free,” he explained, “because that was the first song as a duo we wrote together and everything that has transpired because of this!”

Working on tracks for over a year now, Sam described, “The songs are about a variety of things, whether it be ex-girlfriends, events that have happened in my life, how crazy the world is, and even the plot of a film.”

With a totally DIY approach, they’ve played all the instruments on the album; Sam reasoned it’d be “a more personal feel!” There’s also old films sampled in the tunes, “to give more context and a vibrant feel, as I’m a fan of old cinema and it adds more layers to the tracks.”

These young guys are confident of their goals and exceptionally enthusiastic and motivated. “The album means a lot to us,” Sam continued, “it’s always been ‘a dream to release a debut album and thanks to kind donations while busking and gigging, we’ve finally be able to get into the studio and nail tracks.”

Larkin have been working with fantastic producer Martin Spencer at the Badger Set in Potterne, and tell me he, “has been amazing; works tirelessly to get good results. Not only is he local, so we can keep the album linked to Devizes, but he is a good mate of ours and knew he’d give his best.”

I’d like to congratulate the duo, Martin and the team behind this project as it pertains to a bright future for music in Devizes and sets a goalpost for others to attain. If you’d like to witness them in their comfort zone, Larkin are appearing at the Moonrakers in Devizes on the 21^st October, and they’re making Great Cheverall that bit greater, appearing at the Bell, there on 28^th October.

But the big cheese here is their album release gig on a risky December 30^th at an unconfirmed venue in Devizes. “The release gig will be amazing,” Sam explained with enthusiasm, “It’ll be in Devizes, with easy access from the town centre, and depending on how many emails, to let us know they want to come, the venue size will change accordingly. We’ll have a support band, and all our songs will be played as a live band, with saxophone, drums, bass and synth, as well as our keys, vocals and guitar.”

Tickets will be a mere three quid, which entitles you to a half price copy of the CD; I mean, what else are you going to be doing on that date, cabbaged on the sofa stuffing dry turkey sandwiches and watching the Enders Christmas special?

“It’d be great to see so many familiar and new faces turn up to support us!” Sam finished with, “We’ve put so much into the album and would love people to turn up and chat about it.

Let Larkin know you’re up for it, by clicking here!

More info on Larkin

The Errant Stage is a new​ ​mobile​ ​performance​ ​venue​ ​in​ ​a​ ​van, it​ ​offers​ ​affordable
space​ ​for​ ​artists​ ​and​ ​accessible​ ​theatre​ ​for​ ​the​ ​masses; sounds cute eh? Yeah, that’s what I thought too, that’s why I’m here, telling you about it!

The travelling venue, a big red van, is off exploring the West for an affordable
and sustainable future of the performing arts.

 
​”An​ ​initiative​ ​like​ ​this,​ ​which​ ​places​ ​accessibility​ ​and​ ​sustainability​ ​at​ ​its​ ​core,
nurturing​ ​new​ ​talent​ ​and​ ​enabling​ ​artists​ ​to​ ​tour​ ​their​ ​work​ ​successfully,​ ​merits​ ​all​ ​the
support​ ​the​ ​UK​ ​theatre​ ​sector​ ​can​ ​give​ ​it.​” -Simon Hart, Puppet Animation Scotland.

This alternative, professional platform launched at the beginning of August and is
currently​ ​crowdfunding​ to raise enough money to complete the conversion to an
eco-friendly venue and get on the road. The stage has been created to offer artists an
affordable space to perform and create work, whilst allowing new audiences access to a quality of performance they may not have seen before.

The girls at the Errant Stage want to provide affordable​ ​performance​ ​space​ ​for​ ​artists,​ ​and accessible​ ​theatre​ ​for​ ​the​ ​masses​; from puppetry to performance art. What with Arts funding cuts greatly affecting the amount of new performances, the restrictive cost of venue hire and production for emerging companies, it’s a fresh and exciting project.
The alternative off-grid travelling stage has an audience capacity of 20+ inside, creating a
“welcoming and accessible,” “magical” and “wonderfully intimate” performance space.

For larger shows and spectacles the van can swing open it’s doors and serve an unlimited outside audience. The venue offers artists an affordable professional platform to perform their work in front of an audience, whilst enabling that audience to be anyone, anywhere.

 
“Theatre​ ​and​ ​the​ ​arts​ ​is​ ​more​ ​than​ ​just​ ​an​ ​industry;​ ​It​ ​is​ ​a​ ​community.​ ​A
community​ ​that​ ​we​ ​want​ ​to​ ​continue​ ​growing,​ ​to​ ​keep​ ​putting​ ​new​ ​work​ ​in​ ​front​ ​of
new​ ​audiences.​ ​A​ ​community​ ​that​ ​is​ ​fuelled​ ​by​ ​passion​ ​and​ ​belief​ ​that​ ​the​ ​arts​ ​and
performance​ ​are​ ​essential​ ​to​ ​our​ ​human​ ​connections​ ​with​ ​each​ ​other​ ​and​ ​the​ ​world
around​ ​us;​ ​The​ ​Errant​ ​is​ ​our​ ​contribution​ ​to​ ​that,” said Wiltshire’s Kate Powell, and with  Jonna Nummela  from Helsinki, has had this vision for an alternative performance venue since they first met in drama school in 2011.

The pair lived together on a canal boat in London.​ ​Then, when Kate bought the van from Kilter Theatre in January 2017, and The Errant Stage concept began to take physical form, she quickly joined forces. Growing increasingly frustrated with the current restrictive funding climate, Nummela jumped on the chance to make space for artists and their audiences through a more accessible venue.

 
“The​ ​Errant​ ​Stage​ ​is​ ​our​ ​vision​ ​for​ ​the​ ​future​ ​of​ ​the​ ​performing​ ​arts.​ ​It​ ​is​ ​a
future​ ​of​ ​empathy​ ​and​ ​community​ ​instead​ ​of​ ​egoism​ ​and​ ​competitive​ ​industry,” Kate continued.

 
Support for the van is already evident, the team launched their crowdfunding
campaign and has raised​ ​over​ ​40%​ ​from​ ​70+​ ​backers​ ​in​ ​the​ ​first​ ​three​ ​weeks.​ The
Indiegogo campaign is looking to raise funds to enable ongoing maintenance and further conversion of the van into a more accessible​ ​and sustainable​ ​venue​ ​and will continue until the 21st October, 2017.​

Work started on the van back in January with structural repairs and insulation; Now attention turns to the inside of the van and its transformation into a multi-use performance space with high quality technical resources and a new, lighter stage design. They’re also researching sustainable power sources, from solar to wind, aiming to make The Errant Stage a trailblazer of sustainable off-grid venues.

The Errant Stage embarked on it’s maiden voyage when it was invited to the Ventnor
Fringe Festival (www.vfringe.co.uk) on the Isle of Wight in August 2017. Following the
success of this soft launch, the venue continued to travel the UK, hosting performances and scratch events at Puppet Place’s Bristol​ ​Festival​ ​of​ ​Puppetry​ and Skipton International Puppet​ ​Festival​.

With interest and return invites from various puppet and theatre festivals across the
UK in 2018, including new Moving​ ​Parts​ puppet festival in Newcastle and Manipulate
Festival​ ​in Scotland, it’s looking to be a busy and successful first season for The Errant
Stage.

Support the Errant Stage’s Crowdfunding campaign, running from 8th September – 21st October 2017.  https://igg.me/at/errant-stage-fundraiser

Next appearing at:
– Isle of Wight 23rd-28th October 2017, tour collaboration with Ventnor Exchange and
Isle of Wight Museums.

“Hello and welcome to another episode of 999: What’s Your Emergency?” (Cue soothing countryside harmony.) “Today we’re in Wiltshire, where local Bobbie, Hugh Janus cycles into the village to inquire about Mrs Bun’s lost tart.” The creaking of an old bicycle on cobblestone pauses.

“Good afternoon Mrs Bun, I understand you’ve had a tart go missing from your bakery?”

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here PC Janus!”

“Do you think it’s been stolen Mrs Bun?”

“Oh bless, not at all, one of the puppies pinched it. No, it’s just I have these lovely cupcakes left over from the village fete.”

PC Janus smiles at the baker, “Never mind Mrs Bun, officer Dweeb and I’ll guarantee they don’t go to waste.” The baker smiles gratefully.

“Well, that’s the end of this week’s show; next week police in less conservative areas of the country will be tackling drug dealers, thieves and burglars.” (Pan across a sunset scene of downs, with cows grazing and a hummingbird fluttering, to a squad car parked in a layby with two officers admiring the view, while enjoying tea and cupcakes.

There you go Wiltshire Councillors; sounds better doesn’t it? Realism has no place in a reality TV show anyway; drama has never been less enthralling.

Councillors wanting the episode of a police action reality show set in Wiltshire to be akin to an episode of Heartbeat, were shocked to see edited results, and complained it’d have a detrimental effect on investment in the county.

In the same week I drove to Trow-Vegas for a new pair of work boots. Simple job, you park free, pick up a cheap pair of boots, and leave as fast as you came. You can’t do this in Devizes, shoe shops thinner than the soles of 70’s market-bought plimsoll, but I’d rather it not be a parade of hackneyed, chain-store trite, for our peace of mind and abject infrastructure.

The need to park without fee in the county town vital to its consumer attraction, I’m certain the Council will retain the idea. But parking free in Devizes, for tourism, those who need a few items without the hassle of large towns, and others who merely like to browse or saunter our town, will be a thing of the past.

Face it, Trowbridge has no aesthetic value, it’s pure functional I’m afraid, which is sad but why I’m in and out of Dodge faster than you could say “shall we pop in Wilkos?”

Some, it seems, crave for something other than a pleasant tranquil Devizes, arguing on social media we need a McDonalds, and we need a Matalan and a Tesco the size of Wales too. They overlook a larger shopping centre needs a larger town to fund it, which brings larger social issues.

You could drive to Trow-Vegas, Chips-n-ham; spoiled for choice. But we can’t have our cake and eat it; you really want Devizes to be another Trowbridge? I rest my case.

You’d sacrifice the pleasantness of wandering relatively safely through our dwelling, our serene backdrop, and friendly tenet, for the chance to grab a discounted pair of shoes and stop for a Chicken McSandwich? Go on, get off with yer; Trowbridge bus leaves in ten.

Anyway, attracting chain stores to Devizes is about to get trickier, as while the county-town’s rarity of free car parking lingers, our suspicions a fortnight ago, that Wiltshire Council will focus parking tariffs on our Market Place came true. Kaboom, it’s now going to cost a quid per hour, £1:70 for two; more expensive than other similar towns. Who rattled their cage?

It’s a forbidding tax we’ve no choice but to accept, doubtlessly not reducing traffic as people’s needs remain the same; suck it up. Using an environmental excuse, as they did, was a smokescreen. As a town we’ve thrown our political opinions aside and upon a post on the Devizes Debate Facebook page, are in agreeance, it’s farcical, and as Andy Fawthrop summed it, “totally bonkers.”

To rub salt in the wound, the post by Our Wiltshire headlined: “Have your say…” when as we explained in a previous week, the whole consultation was veiled unless you enquired, even then I couldn’t locate the online file I was directed to. Akin to this obscurity, it was absent of a section in which to indeed, “have your say.” The questions, as Rosalind pointed out, were skewered. Even Iain Wallis and I were united in its injustice; I love it when we agree Iain, got my blue tie out and everything mate!

He rightfully pointed out its prohibited to fund other failing services with revenues from parking, and that it will have an effect on local business; of course it will, until such a time we cave under pressure and allow our town to explode with sprawling repetitive housing estates, tawdry commercial hypermarkets, gigantic billboards advertising the latest Nike trainers and, of course, overpriced parking meters.

The Council won’t be able to brush anything under the carpet when the cameras switch on then; hell in a town. Yep, this is the same council who were worried a flimsy TV show, of the variety no one really recollects its setting seconds after it’s over anyway, might have an damaging effect on local business; hypocrisy. Now I’m no economist, but I’d reckon racking up parking fees would be worse.

You ever think while you remain sane, the rest of the world has flipped? A world where it was suggested Dr Suess books were racist when given out in schools in US by Melania Trump, wife of the most bigoted man in the free world.

A world where we believe a tabloid that dogging is depicted in a children’s book, when they simply omitted pages to make it look like it. Where judges spared a criminal from a jail sentence, who unprovoked, stabbed her boyfriend, simply because she has a pretty face and good career opportunities.

Oh whatever Wiltshire Council, charge us a quid to stop in our own town; justice a farce anyway.

 By Zoe McMillan

After 9 days and 969 miles, Jenny Dalton & John Whalley finally made it home to celebrate successfully, completing their Lands End to John O’Groats cycling challenge.

If the intrepid duo were hoping for a quiet and unassuming return to normality though, they were in for certain disappointment as the proud fellow villagers of Seend had very different ideas…well it’s not every day you get to walk amongst local heroes, is it?

They were certainly not expecting their usual Friday night drinks at the village community centre to be ambushed by a host of villagers, all togged up in cycling gear, Lycra and helmets in homage to their impressive achievement, nor were they expecting the celebratory banners, and poo balloons (don’t ask…intensive cycling plays havoc with your bowel movements apparently!) or the vast array of cycling themed delicacies on offer, including of course the cycling pairs particular favourite; the pork pie.

It’s not very often either, John or Jenny were lost for words, but on this occasion even they were taken aback by the level of support from the village and sheer enthusiasm for their tales from the saddle.

To get an exclusive insight into the adventures of SPPCC, yours truly went undercover and masqueraded as a super hero myself, SPPCC’s very own ‘Sustenance girl…bringer of cider and pies to all long-distance cycling enthusiasts’…this allowed me to get up close and personal with John & Jenny and get from John particularly a first-hand account of the trials and tribulations he faced and the lasting affect his adventure will have on him moving forwards. You can read John’s account below.

The staggering and impressive achievement of the Seend duo should not be underestimated. They are two of the 650 that made it across the final finish line in John O’Groats out of over 950 that set off from Lands’ End and together they’ve raised over £5315 for their chosen charities; Vodafone foundation & Macmillan.

The terrible weather conditions they encountered could not dampen their spirits as together they tackled each day as a unique challenge that stood alone…one day at a time, one more push towards the shared end goal. With knees still creaking, shoulders still painful and aching joints still evident it doesn’t seem possible that they would already be searching out their next adventure but they most surely are, and their friends and fellow villagers will most certainly be right behind them once again!!! We’ll let the villagers of Seend have the final word… ” Well done John and Jen. We all knew you would both flipping do it!!!”

In his own words, John Whalley details their Lands End to John O’Groats cycle challenge:

Approximately 900 riders began this event, with around 635 crossing the finish line last Sunday, supported throughout by the very professional organisers, Threshold Sports.

I think the first thing to say is, ‘This was, without doubt, the toughest 9 days of my life!’ Jenny and I had trained very hard, all year for this, with 100mile rides, 4-day back to back tours, rainy rides, hilly rides, but nothing really prepares you for 110 miles, every day, for 9 days, with little sleep in muddy campsites, constantly damp clothing and the most horrendous weather imaginable. It was an emotional rollercoaster of pain and hardship.

That said, the sense of pride and achievement I now feel cannot be put into words. Stressed knee ligaments and cyclists palsy afflicted hands are a small price to pay for the new friends I met along the journey, friendships that I already know will last a lifetime as we supported each other through our own periods of hell, and celebrated our wins together each day.

By its very nature, the event captures you in a bubble that can only involve preparing for cycling all day, cycling all day, and recovering from cycling all day, ready to repeat next day. There is no semblance of real life or normality, and with very sporadic internet coverage and constantly under charged devices, little chance to communicate with the outside world. So, visits from friends and family on the finish lines and pit stops, and messages from loved ones mean everything. We are so grateful for the support we have both received from our families, our friends and our small village of Seend.

In conclusion, this has been an extraordinary journey for me, something I could not have completed without my riding partner and friend Jenny, without the new friends we met along the way, and without the support of our family and friends. But I have also found new qualities in myself, I am stronger and more determined than I realised, I do not give up and I do not let others down when they are in need. I am now looking for a new challenge to see how much more is in me.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/john-optional-whalley

Back in 1980 my brother and I could choose one LP each for Christmas, my first real record aside from Pinky and Perky singles (Google them kiddo, they were the Alvin & The Chipmunks of their day.) My brother thought he was being mature when he opted for the Police’s Zenyatta Mondatta, and my choice was juvenile; Madness – Absolutely.

But from all the ska and two-tone bands of the period, it was the pop, fairground style of Madness which stood the test of time, because our generation could identify with them.

Through synth-pop, electro and hip hop, and soul, not overlooking my eternal love for reggae, my eclectic tastes relished them all along the years, and then the rave scene took me away. It seems now though, I’ve turned full circle and, zipping up my boots, I returned to the roots, the offbeat ska sound; when Madness ruled that Christmas morning.

While 80s mod bands warbled on subjects unrelated to the experiences of a seven-year-old scallywag, Madness sung songs of baggy school trousers and dirty shirts, of pulling hair and eating dirt; we did all that, we walked home squashing snails, and when the teacher came to break up a fight, well you get the picture.

Bands like the Jam I appreciate now, but at the time I didn’t have a clue what they were on about; a clown called Maurice, what’s all that about? And you know their song Eton Rifles? My adolescent mind thought they were singing about eating trifles.

Seems I’m not alone in this affection for the Nutty Boys, the area has gone mad recently. With the MACS theatre school surprisingly opting the Our House Musical for their next production, and now I’ve just picked up on the rumour that the unquestionably best Madness tribute act, Los Palmas 6, is visiting the sleepy village of Market Lavington on October 28th, to show the Music and Comedy Club their nutty acknowledgment.

Not without connections, Los Palmas 6 boast authenticity, citing amidst their seven-piece band, saxophonist for Madness for over eight years, Steve Turner.

Established in 1998, Los Palmas 6’s objective, said Steve “was to offer the most accurate Madness Tribute, and we succeeded.” They proudly awarded themselves the title “best Madness Tribute Band in the World,” and with prestigious booking from the BBC, Virgin Records, Arsenal Football Club, Cardiff Castle, Alexandra Palace, Splash FM, Cobo Bay festival in Guernsey, and not forgetting The Army, SAS, Navy and RAF, nobody’s arguing.

Can you afford to miss this, at twelve quid a ticket? You’d be a nutty boy to wait as gossip is spreading it’ll be a sell-out. Get your ticket from Devizes Books, Market Lavington Post Office or www.ml-mcc.weebly.com

https://www.facebook.com/events/990621147714002/
https://www.madnesstributeband.co.uk/

After my daughter returned from the Macs Theatre School’s performance of Beauty and the Beast, reporting how brilliant it was, I’ve been keen to see what they’d do next. As a long-term fan of Madness, my first album being Absolutely, I was thrilled to learn the next presentation would be the musical inspired by their songs, Our House; this is up the middle of my street and knocking loudly on my door!

Showing at Devizes School on 15th to the 17th February, I’m already building excitement for it. But who is to star in this extravaganza? Well, that’s up to the results of the auditions on Friday, at the school, starting at 6pm. Macs inform us “it’s not too late to sign up!”

 
With over 100 students ranging from 5-19 years old signed up to the theatre school, after only a year since its launch, and the introduction of Mini-Macs for the younger budding actors, things are progressing well and the team thank everyone who has supported the project.

 
Hopefuls will take part in a workshop, but no planning is required. During this workshop, they’ll be taught a routine from the show, and work on a group performance of one of the songs.

 
The auditions continue 2nd October, for those wanting to go for leads. Hopefuls will prepare a solo, performed in character, which showcases their abilities from a choice of songs, ‘It Must Be Love,’ ‘Simply Equation’ or ‘Baggy Trousers, along with a minute improvisation based on the character.

 
But there’s a need for a busy chorus and many smaller roles with lines too. So, if you’ve a budding performer in your family, you’d be hard pressed to find a better local opportunity then this; you’ll need to sign up on Macs website, this only costs forty quid for the whole year, and guarantees them a part in this, and the undecided drama summer performance.

I walked home squashing snails and did indeed pull hair and eat dirt, I’ve still got the dirty shirt and baggy trousers, but fear I’m past it, and should leave it to the kids; still can’t wait to see it Macs!

https://www.macstheatreschool.co.uk/

Children of the Devizes & District Opportunity Centre were treated to a show of Lambrettas and Vespas when the Devizes Scooter Club turned up to donate the funds raised at their Family Fun Day, back in July. Over £700 was handed over to the pre-school for children with disabilities and learning difficulties.

“Thank you for supporting us,” the Opportunity Centre told them, “and showing our little ones the super cool scooters!”

Marland Music Management sure are devoted to bringing us some great local talent, but I was particularly fascinated by a gig at Times Square happening next Friday (22nd,) by the photo of the performer; she looked so young.

 
Akin to moments on Cowell’s over extravagant karaoke show when a younger participant wows the audience with rare talent, upon searching YouTube I was bowled over to learn, at just 13, Swindon’s Lottie Jenkins has a mature, sublime voice, a natural ability to write her own songs and a talent for piano.

Times Square is undoubtedly the place to head Friday; don’t take my word for it, check the video.

 
I caught up with Lottie’s manager-mum (cos that’s what mums are for!) Debbie, who enthusiastically told me about Lottie getting through to the top ten at a Song Academy competition at Westfield in London last year, at just 12, spurring her to enter the Future Music’s Young Songwriter live showcase in Camden. She got through to the grand final and was awarded the monthly opportunity to record her songs at River Studios in Southampton.

Lottie has also been playing festivals this summer, booked at Meadowside in Whiteley, and the Netley Park Festival, among others.

 
She cites Amy Winehouse, Emilie Sande, Earl and One Republic as her influences, so I asked if Lottie would be covering songs, or playing her own written ones.

 
Debbie explained she’ll do a mixture, stressing the importance of engaging the audience with known songs. However, with tunes like the songwriter’s entry “Kiss your Old Life Away,” where the judges commented that they loved the “Elton Vibe,” and Tom Odell praised her “spiritual imagery,” I think Devizes would welcome her to play her own songs, and will be in for a treat on Friday.

LOTTIE JENKINS LIVE AT TIMES SQUARE. 22nd September

Always a hit vrooming along in the carnival parade, the Devizes Scooter Club are gearing up for their biggest show to date. On October 21st Devizes sees the return of Swindon-based The Killertones, who last time, it must be said, rocked the Cons Club with a skanking set of classic ska and two-tone covers.

 
This time though, mod band Easily Led support them, with a grand playlist of Beatles, Stones and Who covers, it’ll be intervallic with DJ Shaun Smitherman’s blend of Motown and soul and set to be a storm. Tickets like hot cakes are on sale at the Conservative Club priced at just a tenner, or contact Adam, the self-proclaimed Colonel of the club via their Facebook page and he’ll personally ensure you’ve tickets delivered; don’t get left out and hope you can get in on the door.

 
The Devizes Scooter Club is a retrospective merger of mod and skinhead cultures, assumes mutual respect for both and is open to all with an interest in either scene, scooter or no scooter. As well as organising ride-outs, they’ve successfully raised staggering funds for The Devizes and District Opportunity Centre via their Family Fun Day at the Cavalier on Eastleigh Road, and received a letter of thanks from MP Claire Perry for their efforts; I’m not sure if she’s a Lambretta or Vespa kind of chick though!

Kids playing football, dressed as footballs could be the hilarious component missing from many a children’s birthday party. Bubble Warz, a Calne based event organisation, who are so cool it’s not worth correcting my spellchecker for, has it covered.

 
What to do with your youngster who’s  above the age for soft play centres but not old enough to be clubbing the night away? Let Bubble Warz drive down in their van, inflate a load of human-sized balls and take your party off for the most bizarre and original activity I’ve seen. It allows you time to stand back and laugh out loud, as the nippers clamber inside the core of the transparent ball, harness up, brace themselves and roll off; it’s a hysterical sight to behold.

For my football-fanatical daughter, it was the ideal choice. The only part of the person outside of the ball is their legs, so they started off with a practice, running, leaping forwards and tucking their legs in so the ball rolls. Then, it was onto a knockout sumo wrestling contest, followed by a football match with side-splitting consequences, and finally, giant foam skittles were bought out and, well, I’ll let you guess the rest.

 
An occasion reminiscent of “It’s A Knockout,” Bubble Warz provided us with an original and highly amusing party, the staff were friendly and great with the kids. You only need to sort a location, a large garden or school field will do, and some food for afterwards, as our group were famished grass-covered gremlins afterwards. Bubble Warz did bring a crate of water bottles and insured the kids stopped for a break.

 
I’d recommend this for children from six to sixty, oh yeah, they have adult-sized balls too, if you’ll pardon the expression. It’s ideal for so-called grownups on a stag or hen night. Not for me though, I’m far too mature, and if you tried to force me inside one, I’d tell my mum.

Check their website for more details: Click here.

 by Sarah Tyler. Photos by Gail Foster

What a wonderful afternoon! Devizes Town Band really enjoyed playing the Children’s Proms and Proms Not in the Park, at the Corn Exchange. As it did rain, it was right to change the venue, though we were sad not to be in Hillworth Park this year.

Thank you to our guest soloist, singer Chloe Jordan and to our compere and narrator for Peter and the Wolf, Mark Jones, from Fantasy Radio UK.

Thank you to Sarah Williams from Hillworth Park, for a great collaboration in providing this event and to Fantasy Radio for broadcasting live from the event. We hope those listening at home enjoyed the concert too.

Finally, thank you to everyone who came, we were thrilled to see so many of you there. You were a wonderful, enthusiastic audience and a joy to play for.

If you go to Morrisons, take a book. No, it’s not Christmas rush at the tills yet. Morrisons’ employee Michelle Hawkings is putting out a request for more books to add to her book sale stand in the supermarket, raising funds for the children’s cancer charity Clic Sargent. They’ve reached over £1,400 to date but more books are needed. Hand in those unwanted novels to the customer service and they’ll do the rest, maybe pick up a new read on your way past too!

There’s appears to be a tank, (sorry Simon and Alan, a Bulldog Armoured Personnel Carrier, without a 120mm calibre barrel and weighing significantly less than a tank,) by Shane’s castle. Has it really broken down, or has, as I suspect, martial law broken out across the vizes?

Wiltshire Reich, I mean Council, acknowledged we’ve had our fun, but now we pay the price.

 
Proficient and informative journalist, Joanne Moore reported artistic director of DOCA, Loz Samuels’ understandable fury at the grand price tag on our entertainment and the tenner parking duty proposal, which they just made up, on the non-fee parking day, to attempt dissolve the disgraceful ethos that some wish to provide entertainment for free, and jeopardise future events in our town. Thanks then, yeah, cheers.

 
There’s a new black rat infiltrating our celebrations, come back Wat Tyler, all is forgiven.
This must be the first, at least since the May Day Fair, a lengthy three months ago, effort to curb festivities in town. Let’s hope it’s the last or what will become of carnival? I ponder a twenty-five-quid ticket price, or two calves and your firstborn son for carnival 2018. Is there a vacancy going for a chippy to board up the windows of unpaid town residents who might cop unrestricted views? Bloody freeloaders.

 
So, I hope you made the most of the carnival this year, it certainly looked good from the freely distributed galleries of our talented photographers Ruth and Gail, who blatantly and thankfully aren’t Wiltshire Councillors, or we’d get a tagging tax.

 
Who me? Sorry, I missed it; spent my carnival staring at an obese couple orally absorbing Wotsits, an eternally wailing baby with hawkeyed mum, and signage which read, “waiting time: 3-4 hours,” at Swindon’s A&E due to a dog bite; must have read my article about keeping mutts on leads.

 
So, to all those who wedged themselves into the crowds only to criticise this year’s event; think yourself lucky.

 
You know if you don’t take your kids to the fair, you might have enough to cash to eat this week; scream if you wanna go faster, giv’ us another fiver if you want to be rotated 3-60 one more time. The closer to peak times the price rises and the fare too. You. Know. This. Why fool for it, or if you did, why moan about it on Facebook? Everyone’s out to get their share.

 
It’s okay thanks, no sympathy, I know you care. Right on the inner thigh it was, the dog bite I mean, close enough to my brain to have had a significant effect, and I got to thinking about our nothing-ever-happens-in-Devizes hashtag and how true this could be if Wilts Council get their way.

 
To see how much really does, or does not happen here, I committed to create Devizine, and in a few days, I’m glad to report, it’s a thing now (hate that saying, but “it’s a thing now,” is a thing now.) Treat Devizine as a what’s-on-guide, a “zine” inspired website offering local news and reviews, wrapped in a whole lot of fun. And no, Mr Teeder, while Tia sounds like a lovely lady, she’s not on the payroll here, yet.

 
I will force everyone to support Dezivine, with or against their will! Please, show it your love, check it out for regular updates, “like” and spread our social media posts, consider our dirt-cheap advertising; listings events are free, but to keep it chugging and improve we NEED advertisers.

 
I want Devizine to be dynamic and communal, unlike the Carer-Support-Wiltshire “what’s on guide,” which claimed a “parent carers drop in group was on,” but sent no support staff. The dazzling Devizes Issue divinity, Amanda Attwood announced, “After contacting Carer Support Wiltshire, I was informed they have cancelled the group, leaving carers high and dry. They say this is due to falling numbers, but it has been obvious to carers, this is due to lack of proper advertising and effort. This means Carer Support Wiltshire has withdrawn yet another much needed service from Devizes.”

 
What other changes threaten our humble town? Latest, we get a say in the future development plans for the Wharf, provided you’re jobless. Yep, Devizes social media elite went to town over this, as local rag announced the first meeting is, “Tuesday 12th from 9am to 4pm at the Wharf Theatre, followed by a second on Thursday from 9am to 3pm in the Market Place and one on September 18th from 5pm to 6.30pm before the Devizes Area Board at the library.”

 
Wiltshire Council again, they seem to have either overlooked the employed or organised this at their convenience, making me apprehensive, the only idea put forward will be an overpriced, private-pension-robbing, gigantic old people’s home, the like Devizes has never seen.

 
We dun’t warnt yer ganderflankin’ changes rand ere shagger; happy as we be, we is.

 
You can get gooey-eyed over Tesco but kiss the dilapidated Assize Courts and likelihood it could be an entertainment hub for the community goodbye. Welcoming visitors at the gateway to Devizes, the landmark eyesore day’s maybe numbered, the Dubai owner uncaring even about museum prospects, and the Council hot on its potential.

 
Get real; although they say, “we want people to drop into these sessions to find out what we’re considering, but to also let us know what they’d like to see happen,” it int gonna be rock n roll (or is it?)

 
Without a suitable meeting time, it’s doomed to failure. Wiltshire Council cabinet member for economic regeneration, Chuck Berry said, “C’est la vie, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell,” but continued later to explain, “I’m aware our temperature’s a’ risin’, and the jukebox appears to be blowin’ a fuse. But I can assure you my heart is beatin’ a rhythm, and my soul keeps singing the blues.”

 
“Roll over Beethoven,” announced the Wiltshire Council cabinet member for economic regeneration, “I have formally informed Tchaikovsky of the news.”

Following the recent hurricanes in the Caribbean and Southern USA, Devizes Rotary will be sending a shelter box in order to help provide much needed shelter and supplies.

They will be putting at least £500 from Devizes Rotary towards these boxes; anyone interested in contributing a donation – however small – towards purchasing further boxes, Iain Wallis states, “If there is enough interest, I am happy to start a collection at Moonraker Bears.”

You can learn more about shelter boxes here: https://www.shelterbox.org/shelter/aid

By Zoe McMillan

Oktoberfest, Seend Community Centre,

Saturday 30th September, 19.30, tickets £10.

Limited tickets available now so don’t delay, buy today from Seend shop/P.O or community centre !!!.

Entshuldigen bitte, mein leiblings; hallo damen und herren… right, now I’ve your attention I want to tell you all about the fun & Bavarian shenanigans that will be taking place in our very own capital of fun; Seend on Saturday 30th September from 19.30 in the village community centre.

STOP PRESS – OktoBEERfest is coming to a village near you!!!! On Saturday 30th September, Seend invite you to join them as they offer to transport you (metaphorically speaking) to a Bavarian fun-fest of games and merry making.

Come along to our OktoBEERfest and enjoy a great night out full of Bavarian music, game playing, German sausages, sauerkraut and ofcourse beer drinking…well we are being guided by a bone fide German on how to run this do you know…(don’t worry though, there will be other beverages on offer if you’re not a beer drinker). There will also be a disco to get ya feet stomping too so where else would you rather be?
Come along and embrace your inner European!!

Are you tough enough to hold your own (There may be a clue here for you )when you take on the competition in the authentic game of masskrügstemman..how well can you hold your beer??? (perhaps another clue here); do you fancy trying your hand at the novelty challenge of kühmelken (milking cows) or even baumstammsägen (tree trunk sawing), or would you rather just get hammered in the Bavarian game of nägelschlagen? There will, of course, be prizes up for grabs to the victors!!

Come along and don’t be shy. Release your inner party animal. Traditional dress will be welcomed but is definitely not essential. Join us for a fabulous night out. We can’t wait to see you all. Tickets are limited now and selling fast so if you would like to come along please snap up your tickets whilst they’re still available.

Tickets are £10 & can be purchased from Seend shop/P.O or Seend Community Centre. Ticket price includes a sausage & salad supper.

https://www.facebook.com/events/1637970046215407/

By Zoe McMillan

I could take the long route round and waffle on about how refreshingly good Tamsin Quin is, but if you’ve roamed the Devizes music scene you’d know this already. Plus, I’ve mentioned her on the No Surprises column enough, so get with it!

 
Supplying us with sublime acoustic, self-written songs, and often bursting into classics in her unique style, Tamsin has fast become one to watch, but now she’s asking for your help to raise funds via the crowd-funder website for an album.

“I’ve been writing and performing for the last five years,” Tamsin pledges, “but over the last year or so, songs have been coming out of my ears! My music has really evolved, grownup and I feel really ready to record my first full-length studio album and present these new songs to you in the best way possible.”

 
Planning five days of recording at Earthworm Amber Recording Studios, with producer Jon Buckett, she aims to record ten to twelve songs and offers some interesting and fun gifts to people who donate, starting from a download of the album for a mere fiver, to private sessions, the chance to “hang-out” together and write some songs, to the more obvious wooden spoon-carving workshop!

 
We’ve mentioned Crowd-funder on No Surprises before, its worked for Richie Triangle with his new album and I’ve covered Larkin’s prospective album project. When I go back to my youth, (not as long ago as you might think, whippersnapper!) manually cutting and pasting zines with scissors and Pritt-Stick, standing in the rain trying to flog them to unsuspecting suckers; I loved every minute of that DIY culture; the sense that you were making something without the restraints of a publishing company leering over you.

 
But it wasn’t without its drawbacks; funding and distribution being generally awful. I’d collect three quid or so from a shop and return to my car to find a parking ticket! I reckon sites like Crowd-funder are a blessing to diversity and DIY culture, as opposed to making a fool of yourself under the beady-eye of Simon Cowell, youth can do their own thing and create avenues for their art. This opens opportunity and, while its no easy path to tread, creates a multiplicity of aptitude.

 
I’ll admit, I’d have gone crazy if we had such a thing back then, I’d be crowdfunding for a photocopier, crowdfunding for a word processor and even crowdfunding for a pint! But young- ‘uns today have got their heads screwed on, obtain a goal and go for it; I like this.
So, please help Tamsin if you can, as she says, “I feel mega-lucky for the support of really loyal followers that have built up over the years and I’d LOVE for you all to be involved in creating this album with me!”

 HELP TAMSIN QUIN: CLICK HERE!

Back yonder, in the early days of scribing articles for Index, I reported my surprise upon wandering in the Black Swan and finding it renovated to the charming place Devizes hipsters know it as today. At the time, I was adamant I wasn’t there for antique shopping, stating “I’m not David Dickenson; I’ve come here for atmosphere, a pint and some live music, the quality of all above my expectations. To suit the off-beat character transforming the place a young Irish singer stands at the windowed alcove grasping his guitar with passion.”

 
That singer was, of course, Richie Triangle, and he bought a sense of cheerfulness with spritely enthusiasm, good humour and talented performances. Alas his campervan out back of the pub is no longer, Richie has been travelling, but we’ll still recall him busking in the Brittox and just his short stay in our town, he gained a local following.

 
Well it seemed we’ve good taste in Devizes, as Richie found success on his adventures and has hooked up with Adrian Sherwood’s ground-breaking On-U-Sound studio, to record “Made from Broken Pieces,” an album of original material, all written by him.
In his own words, Richie is, “describing and sympathising with all our situations. How despite being broken, beaten and battered, we’re still here, alive and strong, and have many crazy tales to tell.” The concept stemming from a rock climbing accident Richie suffered while travelling India.

 
Paralysed from the waist down, it was a struggle to make it back to the UK. “After much determination and most of 2015 in a wheelchair,” Richie explains, “I managed to rehabilitate enough to be able to stand, and in time, walk. I couldn’t sit around, and I absolutely had to get back in the music.”

 
Good news is Richie is back in town, playing the Crown on Saturday, thanks to the magnificent Marland Music. This will make the ideal after-carnival party and hopefully, he’ll have copies of this acoustic magnum opus, with hauntingly sublime backing sounds, akin to a modern James Taylor or Neil Young. Or, you can download it for a tenner here: https://www.richietriangle.com/ bargain.

Other after-carnival parties are available; Stuart Beck performs at Times Square, Mike Barham belts out classics at the Moonrakers, DJ Ramon’s getting funky at the Southgate (with BBQ.) What am I, some kind of human event calendar now? Bloody cheek, might start singing in the Market Square myself.

 
Fear not, that will not happen, not with Black Rat Monday out of the way.

 
While on the musical subject, I was lucky enough to be treated to an exclusive preview of the newly formed “Full Tone Orchestra,” at a rehearsal for their performance of Iconic Themes on 16th September at the Corn Exchange. After just three rehearsals I can confirm they sound totally awesome and this should be a spectacular night as they accomplish numerous film scores.

Invited by the ever-busy Jemma Brown, who is promoting the event with husband Anthony, the conductor. I arrived fashionably late to which Jemma whispered I’d missed, “Game of Thrones.” Fussed about this I was not, for it’s not something I’ve followed, rather I favour I arrived just on time as they moved onto the Star Wars theme with boundless energy, and this is much more up my street.

 
Having to close my eyes and allow the music to envelope me, rather than let my eyes wander over the school hall or the musicians attempting to concentrate, I could almost imagine Darth Vader striding up the corridor like the headmaster from a netherworld.
An attempt to bring the uplifting sounds of an orchestra to the Devizes masses, I’ve seen first-hand the hard work and dedication the Full Tone Orchestra are putting into this performance, I heard them still going for it hours later when the wind blew in the right direction and I was taking the recycling bins out!

 
All this and the anticipation of awesome Swindon based two-tone ska band, The Killer-Tones returning to our Con Club on 21st October, with Easily Led supporting, courtesy of The Devizes Scooter Club, you can’t say for a town this size, #nothingeverhappensindevizes hashtag or no hashtag.