Here you go, right; the meal was flawless, the wine is taking effect, the candles are in perfect position, the rose petals spread on the duvet, made sure you changed the sheets and hidden your Razzle collection. Now all you need is the perfect valentines evening playlist as the icing on the cake.

One track wrong, just one accidental selection, could prove fatal for getting to final base. At worst you’ll be alone, regretting how that Slipknot track got mixed in there, or which prankster mate added Iron Maiden’s Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter. At best, mistakes can be made in picking from the plethora of timeless love songs available. One narrative of break-up, something just too damn perverse or slushy, or even a song which reverts your partner back to past lost love, can be dangerous and a waste of your hard-earned cash at the johnny vending machine.    

It is with great empathy and consideration I offer you my tuppence on the perfect Valentine’s Day playlist. To begin, you must understand, love songs come in four main categories; the cliché slushy, soppy sort which are so wet they’re Wet Wet Wet. These are best avoided. The second are the breakup songs, often beautifully crafted nuggets of melancholy, but again, not best for enticement. The third sort, Frankie Says, is the outright filth, centred around the kind of mindless, unattached, no bars held bonking frenzy you have to clean up with a mop and bucket. While at times these are the best of the aforementioned options, what you really need to set the appropriate mood is the fourth category, the songs I deem “sensual.”

Sensual songs arouse the neurons, make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. They neither absolutely call out the knob-fest you’re hoping for, merely hint at it, or relish in slushiness so maudlin it all comes over corny and nauseating. Don’t blame me if everything you do you do it with Bryan Adams’ songs on repeat, it horribly backfires and all which remains of their presence is a fading odour of Superdrug’s own make Eau de Parfum. Here’s the list, adhere to it, fool!

1- Try a little Tenderness – Otis Redding

Otis was a magician, indisputably. His effortless vocals are so sublimely sensual, one play of this and women’s clothes automatically fall off. Guys, if it was good enough for the Ducky, it’s good enough for you; a guaranteed win-win.

2 – Let’s stay together – Al Green

Again, this one is a given. Why do people break up, turn around and make up? Well, it’s for the make-up sex, Al, obviously. Look, we all know make-up sex is the best and stickiest kind of sex, but when setting the mood for the now, never dwell on the possibilities of the future; price of prams these days, prenuptial agreements, stuff like that. Nope, this song pledges nought can possibly go wrong, you are 100% devoted, and that assurance will see knickers on the bedroom floor.

3- Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye

Marvin with the topper most sex blag, only one under the notion it’s greater for weight-loss than a diet. Here, Motown’s senior figure suggests wellbeing, that sex is good for him emotionally and psychologically. But there’s cohesion, it is affirmed, he’s no slapper, and only wants to do it with you. Although you guessed this song would be listed, it works a like a charm.

4- Je T’aime…Moi Non-Plus – The Scamps

Okay, Serge Gainsbourg’s classic obviously needs consideration, but is about as corny as seventies lava lamps, and Jane Birkin’s aching French orgasmic harmonies might be off-putting if you’re still eating pudding or not making quite as good a job as Serge himself. Therefore, try this; this Scamps version is instrumental reggae, and reggae in general, is kinky as. For added effect, should things be going well and your French up-to-scratch, you can have fun arranging your own vocals.

5- Bob Marley & The Wailers – Guava Jelly

So, pandora’s box opened. If we’re going to do reggae, there’s so many Bob Marley tunes which are more than apt, picking just one is a minefield. Let’s go demining like Steve, it’s okay, I’m a professional. For starters Guava Jelly teeters on the edge of reggae, rather deemed closer to rock steady, the pioneering transitory period between ska and reggae. Rock steady is the definitive romantic period of the music of Jamaica, and Bob is one charmer. This particular song is the perfect balance for what I’m proposing here, it’s connotations of lubrication is pure filth, but its backstory of love is quixotic; precision engineering from the Tuff Gong.

6 – Henry III – With a Girl Like You

Now, after all I said about rock steady, a word of warning. Don’t, whatever you do go gung-ho and add any old rock steady song to your playlist. Such is the way of bygone eras and particularly in Jamaica, many are not PC by today’s standards. Often subjects deal with cheating, disintegrations or can be degrading to the fairer sex. Sometimes it helps, if going with rock steady to check covers, take this divine version of The Troggs “With a Girl Like You,” for example; this’ll work.

7 – Lorna Bennett – Breakfast in Bed

Now, if you’re only up for covers being the kind you jiggle about underneath, by all means go for the original of Breakfast in Bed, on Dusty Springfield’s ultimate “Dusty in Memphis,” as it’s more than suitable. But if you want a bit of reggae in said jeggae, the UB40 version is not your best option. Lorna Bennett does this with bells on. This is so sexy it should be illegal.

8 – Claude Fontaine – Cry for Another

If it’s sexy reggae you want, but contemporary you fancy, and you’ve taken heed of the importance of French accents we’ve mentioned, here’s a lesser-known masterpiece by multi-platinum, Grammy award-winning record producer, Lester Mendez, certain to hold the object of your affections mesmerised and putty in your hands. Claude Fontaine’s voice just, just, just…. oh, no, pass the Kleenex.

9- Kingston Town – Lord Creator

Look, I like UB40, I really do. But whence you listen to the original Lord Creator version of this, you won’t go back. Its subtle idealistic references paint a romantic image of Kingston Jamaica, in contrast to the biting reality it’s often depicted as. Like the notion, any place is beautiful when you’re there, sure to cause a love tidal wave, in your direction. 

10- Swimmer – Black Star Liner

Now, you’ve done the groundwork and things are moving fast. Unlike technology of the era, owning a pager isn’t going to get to you close enough to the opposite sex to be sneezed on these days, the electronica of the nineties can be your friend. Dance music came of age mid-nineties and no longer concerned itself wholly for standing in a muddy field wearing a dust-mask and gyrating like a broken robot. In fact, local city Bristol took a whopping portion of credit for the downtempo trip hop trend. But, while you know Massive Attack will make it onto this list or it’s not worth publishing, unless you lived it, and I mean, really lived it, I forgive you for not knowing this and the next two sublime nuggets of dreamy dance. Black Star Liner are as if Massive Attack did bhangra for film scores.

11 – Long as I Can See the Light – Monkey Mafia

As the finale of Shoot the Boss, an album with enough cutthroat techno and dark ragga to scare the willies out of Moby, Jon Carter places this gorgeous protuberance of uplifting trip hop to bring a lump to your throat, or elsewhere.

12 –Soldissimo – Air (Etienne de Crécy Remix)

Again, the French know saucy. This Air remix by the super discounted Etienne de Crécy is such a barely known, absolute inspiring masterpiece, and when that acoustic guitar breaks in, oh my, eyes will implode, and the bedsheets will need changing.

13 – Unfinished Sympathy – Massive Attack  

For me to pick a single song from my misspent youth wouldn’t be easy, until I’m reminded of this. You know it, you must do, so will your partner. They’ll whimper, “I love this song,” ergo, I love you for thinking it’s suitable to reflect your feelings towards me, and bingo; fire in the hole.

14 – Sharing the Night Together- Square One

To take heed of my warning about picking any reggae tune, apply doubly so with soca. Subject matter of most soca is outright filth, if not being about waving your flag about during crop over, it’s generally about waving something more phallic about. Which is great for the rugby club’s Christmas party, but not so much when wooing. However, there’s always exceptions to the rule, and when Alison Hinds does it by covering this Dr Hook track, she makes Rhianna sound like Cathy Lesurf by comparison.

15 – Lovely Day – Bill Withers

Okay, so a few might be new to you, this is good, but let’s end it with a classic. The sunlight hurts his eyes, and something without warning bears heavy on his mind. Yes, it does have slight negativity about it, but the very notion just by looking at your partner, it’s all inconsequential and can all melt away, will guarantee your bedposts will be thumping against the floorboards in no time at all. Have a happy and successful valentine’s day. Best of luck, mucky comrade. Over and out!

And if these fail, something is wrong and you should either try Nina Simone, or consult your GP, just don’t bother me, do I look like Deidre Saunders? Actually, don’t answer that, just keep your mind on the job at hand, else your hand will be the only…..okay, you get the idea….

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